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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/12/2015 22:48

I think your lack of sympathy is evident!

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 22:50

Lunar did you see the part where I said I would be the same with my children as they get older and it comes to expensive presents?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/12/2015 22:53

Yes I did, I don't have to agree with you though.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 22:56

No you don't. I was just checking to see if you thought I was in the wrong purely because it was dsd that got less because her presents were more expensive. But at least you think it applies to all of the children.

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 22:57

I feel very sorry for this 10-year-old little girl. The way you treat her will have a profound impact on her life, for good or for ill. You know this, right?

OP comment "Sorry but I struggle to feel any sympathy if they have had equal amounts spent on them. Children need to learn at some point."

Just the way you put that...cringe.

How wicked stepmothers get their start. How lovely. You must love your step daughter so much...she's ten. I bet you have pounds upon pounds of resentment toward her possibly because of her mother, whatever it is, I don't know, but it is evident in your posts you don't care for this little girl, really. You don't mind that she felt hurt. Shame on you.

Stickerrocks · 26/12/2015 22:59

Just wondering how your DSD perceives the relationship with your DM? Does she think of her as her granny or as more of a stranger? You've said that your Mum doesn't have much to do with her due to logistics, but how connected does your Dsd feel to her? If there is little bond, it sounds like things are being blown out of proportion in the excitement of Christmas.

JessicasRabbit · 26/12/2015 23:00

sticker, the child is 10 years old. The OP's DM was not under any obligation to get any gifts for any child. If she preferred one child (and some DGMs do) there would be outrage on MN if she bought a favoured child substantially more than the others. As it turns out, she prefers three children out of a family of four children. It's just mean to single one child out, and even worse that the father and step-mum support this behaviour. The least the poor girl's father could have done is sympathise with a child who was very obviously being considered second-class.

merrymouse · 26/12/2015 23:01

She doesn't have the same relationship with her step grandmother though. It's tactless to underline this and the presents could have been given at a different time.

However, I think it's going a bit far to suggest that an extended family of step relatives who you hardly see are the equivalent of all your other relatives.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 23:02

What on earth are you going on about Little? I don't feel sympathy for a child that get lots spent on them but ends up with a smaller pile of presents. And now you think I resent my dsd? Confused You couldn't be more wrong. I get on with her mother brilliantly. She got her a laptop for Christmas from her mum, and therefore she got less than her 2 year old brother at her mum's house. In fact, she probably had more spent on her due to the price of the laptop!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 26/12/2015 23:03

dsd's presents were more expensive it did look like she had "got less". And she did say something about that because she didn't understand the monetary difference between her presents and her siblings much cheaper presents.

My Own DD is 10 and we had this last year with her. We explained that we had bought her one present that she would really like but it cost more, so she would have less presents to open! But, we explained that beforehand!

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 23:06

Sticker She definitely doesn't think of her as granny. She said she sees my family more like friends (her words). She calls my dad by his name but she has been told that she can call him grandad if she wants to. She doesn't. So she definitely won't want to call my mum gran.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 26/12/2015 23:10

For what it's worth OP, nothing in your posts suggests you are a wicked step mother. The adults could have handled the situation more sensitively, but you/your dh can still have a chat to your step daughter and sympathise with her point of view and the difficulties of being in a blended family at Christmas.

MonsterDeCookie · 26/12/2015 23:15

I think it's a bit sad that you haven't included your dsd in your greater family but I imagine you have good reason to have not done so. For what it's worth I never would have done what you did. It just singles her out and is very in her face. My mum has made a huge effort to give the same to my son and to my step children. To do otherwise isn't very kind. If my mum hadn't then I would have made sure my son didn't open his presents in front of his half siblings. If the goal, long term, is for them to feel like a group of bonded siblings then you need to treat them as such.

Stickerrocks · 26/12/2015 23:15

The granny doesn't "prefer" 3 out of 4 children from what I've read, she simply doesn't know one of them. Three of them are her family and one of them isn't. Controversial in the world of MN, but factually correct. There is no indication in any of this that the DSD is being treated like Cinderella. I think OP and her DH are doing exactly the right thing by trying not to blow it out of proportion & explaining it factually rather than building it into a huge snub. On the bright side, DSD has a shorter thank you letter to write to OP's DM.

UkmmTheSecond · 26/12/2015 23:20

It works the other way too- dc would notice they got less so we could spend more on sdc.

You're right.

And threads where resident children end up with noticeably less because their dad wants to spend more on non resident child they are usually told told that it's unfair, that the pot should be shared between all children too.

So if dh has 200 quid to spend on Xmas, his ds would have had £200 then he continued to get £200 after he met me, then we have a dd together he'd give each £100 rather than our child together £150 and now his ds £50. If we had a third it would be shared between three, not £90 £90 and £20. I can totally understand why some step children feel pushed out by their dad's new family when the above happens.

For those of you who have children from previous marriage and joint dc with your dh, would you buy your child with ex less because they'll be seeing their Dad later and get stuff from him? If I posted asking AIBU to give one of my children less as ones from a previous marriage and will get stuff of his dad anyway I'd probably be called a cunt and torn a new arsehole.

Different things work for different families though, if everyone's happy then it works. I was just saying for us dh spends the sameish on all his children. I dunno if it's common?

Stickerrocks · 26/12/2015 23:23

OP it sounds as though you have everything worked out in a way that works for everyone. Most children spend Christmas looking around for 1 more present to open. It just so happened that it was your Mum's present that appeared to be missing. Don't fret about it anymore and hopefully it will all be forgotten in the excitement of laptops, choc etc.

LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 23:27

OP, I was out of line calling you a wicked stepmother. I apologize. It seems to me though that your dsd felt hurt and you and her dad reinforced an outsider status to her. I feel strongly that she was treated unkindly, going by all your posts. Children are so sensitive and vulnerable in blended family situations. It doesn't take much of a slight to wound a child who already feels like an outsider.

Micah · 26/12/2015 23:34

So if dh has 200 quid to spend on Xmas, his ds would have had £200 then he continued to get £200 after he met me, then we have a dd together he'd give each £100 rather than our child together £150 and now his ds £50. If we had a third it would be shared between three, not £90 £90 and £20. I can totally understand why some step children feel pushed out by their dad's new family when the above happens

But its not just dad paying for gifts is it? If he has £200, the ex has £200, and i have £200- he gives his 4 children £50 each, i give mine £100 each, and his ex gives hers £100 each. All kids recieve £150, but from our family pot, sdc get £50 while resident children get £150. Or is fair splitting mine and dh's money equally, so sdc get £200 each while dc get £100?

Fair doesnt always mean equal.

Pangurban1 · 26/12/2015 23:34

It was kind and decent of your mother to make sure all the children had nice presents to open.

Just to gauge the usual level of genorosity in present giving, does your stepdaughter's own maternal grandmother give your children the same presents as her grandchild or a bit less like your mother did?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2015 23:38

It is not u reasonable to give one child an expensive gift, whilst another gets several cheaper ones - and 10-years-old is not too young to understand "You got this expensive item that cost £X - your siblings got more things, but it still added up to a total of £X. If you want quantity, when it comes to presents, you can't have expensive things"

But that is very different to what you mum did - your dsd got significantly and obviously less - both in terms of cost and number of presents.

To a child, that will say "I love your step-siblings far more than I love you, because I am not related to you" - I could not do that to a child.

counthedays · 26/12/2015 23:40

Sorry your MIL was wrong, it's her step grandchild, all gifts should have been equal. The fact that there's gift from her other family is totally irrelevant

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 23:44

SDT- we should have handled it differently to protect dsd from feeling like that. Next year I am going to make sure we see my mum when dsd isn't with us.
I still don't think my mum did anything wrong though.

OP posts:
Pangurban1 · 26/12/2015 23:49

But maybe the money given in a more discreet manner. I think your plan for next year is good.

JessicasRabbit · 26/12/2015 23:51

micah, that might be perfect reasoning as an adult. But for many children fair does mean equal. And in this case, the DGM did choose to buy more for some children than the other because she loves one less (albeit because she doesn't know her as well / isn't related). That's hard for a 10 year old child. Fine for adults of course, but hard for kids.

JessicasRabbit · 26/12/2015 23:56

OP, sounds like you've got a good plan for the future. I'm glad she has a step mum concerned enough to ask the question and do what she can to help her navigate the blended family complications.

And while I don't agree that your DM did nothing wrong, she does sound like a loving grandparent, and one that DSD might benefit (emotionally) from getting to know better.