AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

Charleston You made some really good points in your post.

It seems you are maybe deliberately focusing on the idea of perfect equality, same amount spent on each child, same gifts perhaps. What many have suggested however is that a gift that showed evidence of a little thought and that was age appropriate for a ten year old might have done just as well. It looked as if your mum stopped at the petrol station and picked out something for DSD on her way over to yours.

What your mother did was rude to your DH in the disrespectful gesture towards his child, in his presence. She was telling him that some of his children are more important to her, that there is a pecking order. She was really rude as well as thoughtless towards the child too. Christmas morning is not the time to teach a child some sort of salutary lesson and prevent her from becoming a brat. She had no intention of being an angel in disguise here and people who think she did the child a favour in the long run have lost sight of the fact that none of the adults here gave any thought to the DSD among them when arranging Christmas, her own father included. Nobody gave any thought to her until the DSD brought up her complaint.

Children don't become spoiled from abundance of material things alone. They are spoiled when material things take the place of real connection to parents. It is not up to the child to save herself from that. It is up to the parent to ensure that the child feels the connection, and when a parent's life circumstances change, circles widen, it is up to the parent to ensure the child feels as welcome as he or she does in the new circle. This child is feeling a lack of connection and that is what she highlighted. You should all be embarrassed that her half siblings' grandmother doesn't know her after six years. There are threadbare connections here that need to be fixed. Her father is letting her down massively. It is not up to the child to try to forge the connections here. DH needs to take the lead.

'If you have broken up your child's family, or failed to prevent it being broken up' -- I have no words, Charleston. Do you mean to include all divorced parents in your scathing comments?

Why is it so important to point out to a child on Christmas morning that 'they are not the same as their half siblings'?

And can you not see how horrible it might feel to a child, in the presence of her father who is the father of all the children, to be treated as someone who is different?

I disagree - I don't think charleston made good points and I'm beginning to think you're not for real LookingForward.

The way you write makes it clear you think she's an entitled little princess and she needs to be put in her place. Maybe you don't think that consciously but it comes through.

How could you not after six years have the foresight to see this exact sort of situation happening?

Look, the family dynamics are difficult and strained and a kid in the middle of it all might "need" more affection and demonstrations of belonging than those who know they belong. She or he certainly doesn't need the occasional insensitive slap in the face to feel like they're not part of the "real family". How do you not get that?

charlston

You really believe the things you're writing? Dear lord, what a dreadful way to see the world.

tony I agree with charlston

I suspect mumsnet is full of divorced mothers who fear for the well being of their darling children leading to this overriding demand that stepchildren be treated 'more equally' than others. If you have broken up your child's family, or failed to prevent it being broken up, do not expect the world and their auntie's dog to make up for your failings. It is the parents' job to ensure their child's emotional well being, why not parent and explain to your child the complexities of family relationships rather than expecting every one else to step into the breach in the way that you dictate.

You agree with this?

Again.

If you have broken up your child's family, or failed to prevent it being broken up, do not expect the world and their auntie's dog to make up for your failings

This is not a reasonable thought process.

It reads as though you see your DSD as temporary.

Next year you'll just make sure she's not with you? Really?

It's like you think there's no point in investing any time in the relationship with her and your DM because she won't be around for much longer - that's how it reads.

Your DSD is as much a part of your family as your own 3. Your DM should accept that your DP's DD comes as part of the package of your family unit. She should get to know her, and treat her fairly.

She should have quietly put money into their account, (or given all 4 £20 rather than 3 £30).

It reads as though you see your DSD as temporary.

Next year you'll just make sure she's not with you? Really?

It's like you think there's no point in investing any time in the relationship with her and your DM because she won't be around for much longer - that's how it reads.

Your DSD is as much a part of your family as your own 3. Your DM should accept that your DP's DD comes as part of the package of your family unit. She should get to know her, and treat her fairly.

She should have quietly put money into their account, (or given all 4 £20 rather than 3 £30).

Sorry for double posting, long train journey with dodgy signal!

I don't think it is a failure if your family breaks up. But I do agree with Charlston when she says that you can't expect everyone to make up for it. My mum didn't get a choice in the person I started a relationship with and she has no real relationship with his daughter. There are people far more important people in dsd's life to make sure she's ok. You can't expect everyone to make up for it, especially people who aren't there day in day out.

There are people far more important people in dsd's life to make sure she's ok.

Yes. You're one of them.

Yes and I have already admitted we handled it wrongly.

I just think it's a nasty mindset TBH. She's a child. A 10 year old little girl.

If I ever start wanging on in my head about about "blood" relatives and whether or not I should treat little children differently because of that - despite knowing that the child would notice that inequity - then I would be quite happy to shoot myself.

Still, I guess as a divorced person, I'm just a bitter old bitch who expects too much!

I haven't read the while thread but just wanted to add my situation.

My mum had a step mother. No contact with her birth mother's side. Growing up, we were constantly told by SGM how she loved all her gc (step and birth gc) the same. "I love you all the same" would be trotted out everytime. She bought us the same presents etc.

Except her behaviour towards us sgc was very different to her own gc. And I actually wasn't bothered. As an adult, I'm more bothered about the lies and pretence.

I agree with charlston as well, think she phrased it in a piss poor harsh way but I agree with the thoughts behind it.

I also think teaching your children that the main way to be loved show love or value is by purchase power,is a bit crap.

Every time people talk about staying in crap relationships it's all " children are resilient and won't be phased by you leaveing" yet when it comes to presents they all of a sudden turn into such delicate little flowers that extended distant family members all have to act like they have just acquired another none related child and treat them exactly the same as their related children just because the childs parents made a choice to share a life.

It's quite selfish really, we decided we are in love and want to be together so all of you guys just have to feel things or act like you do for a child you don't know and is not related to you because we say so, even if you think these actions are to the detriment of those children that you are related to and do have a full relationship with that a child all of a sudden has to have new relatives just because you decided that was going to happen.

All because nobody wants the job of explaning to a 10yo that families are rather more diverse than that.

Family history and roots are widely accepted as being so desperately important until such time as two parents decide to enforce a bigger one on a kid

I think that the accusation charlston makes of projection can quite easily be placed on those posters who agree with her - albeit in a different frame.

I suppose it's about kindness really. Is it kind to single one child out and treat them differently? I don't think it is and gherkin lies the rub.

It's not about "making up" for a family breaking up. It's about accepting the previous children as equal to the "new" children and being just as much a part of the family. If people can't do that I genuinely don't think they should get involved with people that already have children and I would be very angry and upset if dhs family treated my dd somehow differently to the ds we have together.

Yesterday dh and I bought a present for a child we had never met - my sils dp has a daughter from a previous relationship (sil also has 2 children and they have one baby together). We got a present for her dps daughter because she is part of their family and we got a present in similar value etc because we want her to feel the same as the other children in their family. When we dropped the presents round she wasn't even there as she was at her mums but I know she will be pleased to find a present for her when she goes to stay with her dad again. It's not about biological families etc, it's about a child getting a present the same as everyone else and not feeling different.

Fuck me auto correct.

I can only agree with Needs and Charlston.

DSD was included. "Colouring stuff" can range from a packet of felt tips from a 99p store to the best selling colouring books & pens on sale in Smith's & Waterstones this year. It was a perfectly nice present.

How many of you can honestly say that your children have behaved perfectly all Christmas, with no hint of wanting more gifts? Those of you saying that OP sees her DSD as temporary are obviously forgetting that most blended families share Christmas, spending different days with different parents in different combinations. Next year it may be someone else's turn for Christmas & Boxing Day.

It can only be a matter of time before another thread springs up with someone complaining that their child has been given too many gifts from their step grandparents, who are over-stepping the mark.

It's like you think there's no point in investing any time in the relationship with her and your DM because she won't be around for much longer - that's how it reads.

But loads of people don't have any relationship with their step parent's extended family.

I agree with Finola. I think it devalues relationships to pretend that a relationship exists or is necessary where it clearly doesn't and isn't. At best it's fake at worst it's creepy.

This 10 year old has her own relatives. Will she also be expected to help with the OP's mother's care if she becomes frail in her old age? Will she expect to be remembered in her will? No. She has her own relatives who might justifiably be put out at the suggestion that the SD is somehow missing out on a grandmother.

Yes some children have close relationships with step grandparents and some children are cast adrift when families separate. However this isn't the case here. A well meaning adult who has no real relationship with the SD made a bit of a blunder when timing the giving of presents. That is all. (And many elderly relatives give inappropriate presents).

In honesty I would be a bit fucked off if my child were gifted as a grandchild by potentially 4 sets of grandparents. My child atm has 2 sets of parent presents plus grandchild prezzies off of my parents and his paternal grandparents, sometimes I find it hard to treat him or just think of something he could really want when it's a special occasion, it's healthy and normal to want for something but there's no opportunity for him to want for anything for too long before someone grants it.
The op's dsd had a laptop PLUS parents presents at the op's PLUS I assume presents from her own maternal GP's possibly from her step fathers parents and the op's father, that's a lot and I could see the resentment singling her out from her half siblings in both families when they are old enough to notice that she gets twice as much as them for every special occasion. It's potentially 5 or 6 hundred pounds worth of things for one child, not very mn to say that this should be essential.
It would say nothing about the op's dsd to point out that this could make her entitled and materialistic, it says everything about human nature that someone cannot be that spoiled, and not end up spoilt. This would create the biggest divide and resentment in a family when one has been raised as a princess through circumstances.

My view, is that in that home everyone is treated equally and that means the same amount of presents / money spent on them. If that means that some of the children get more spent on them overall then that's the conversation but I cannot express enough how important it is for the child to feel completely valued in their own home and not feel second fiddle especially at 10. I truly speak from experience as the young child of divorced parents. I would never ever say to my step child "sorry love but you get more from your other family so I will give you less here". I would say "when we are all here we are equal and we all get the same, what happens at Tarquin's mums house is up to her, but whilst we are in his house we all get the same from this family"

I'm a child of divorced parents as well. And watching my step/half siblings get less than me in almost every way on almost every occasion was unplesant for me and them.

And no it didn't make me me loved or valued.

YABU.

My brother has a partner who has a 5yr old son. For the first time, they came to us for Christmas.
We treated him equally to the other nieces/nephews/grandchildren at Christmas, and I do not expect him to be treated differently by my parents in terms of inheritance etc. It is NOT the child's fault that parents have split etc., and if they get three sets of grandparents out of their difficult situation, who then buy them three sets of presents, well that is the least they deserve.
Step-children should be made to feel like valid full members of the family, not like some sort of outsider wherever they go.

It seems awful to me that you have stressed difference rather than acceptance for the sake of a few quid.

"the least they deserve"?

Presents are one thing, but when it comes to inheritance that is quite another. Why should a grandparent leave less to their grandchildren in their will in favour of a stepgrandchild, who could inherit from their whole other family. I can't understand why anyone would think that is fair.