AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

I think children need to be treated the same if they are all going to an event together, regardless of who is the child/step child. I was visiting my cousin and his 2 children. His girlfriend was there who I'd never met before and I got her dd the same gift because I didn't want her to feel left out. At the end of the day it's about all the people present feeling included and equal.

In the rw equality amongst step children/biological children is just not possible for numerous reasons not least financial.

In our house I have 3 bio children with an ex who lives abroad, he has no parents. My DH has 5, 1 has left home and lives abroad. 2 older live with us, 2 younger live with their mother. DH dcs have their Dms very doting parents alive and very much part of their lives. We buy equal presents for all Dcs. My parents buy a gift for mine and DH children but give me money to give to mine for the sales. (This is not done in front of my dsc.) DSC then see their maternal GP's who shower them with gifts. - obviously this is not shared with my dcs. No one expects it. No one is upset.

Santa presents and extras are bought for whichever children are having Christmas with us. This year (although it varies) two were with us, as were mine. So extras for five. Other three came Boxing Day. Just a main present. Santa only visits Christmas Eve !

Only in the parallel universe of MN do parents/step parents keep a running tote of who gets what to ensure its completely fair at all times and that no precious snowflakes can have a moment of unrest.

It's really shitty to call a 10 year old a precious snowflake for feeling left out.

KurriKurri and MissMerryWeather also have wise words.

If you have a group of children together in a room opening presents and the adults know very well beforehand this is happening, they all should get treated equally with gifts, that is surely the kind thing to do? Every child, I don't care if they're step, or half, or from Mars, or somebody the granny's never met before but knows will be there, deserves to be treated equally and accepted equally. It is not the child's fault his or her life is divided between houses and lives and families. A child would never choose that kind of life but is stuck with it.

Put yourself in the shoes of that little kid, sitting with other kids who are getting handed a bunch of gifts each, lovingly wrapped and picked out, while that little kid gets one little present, or none, or something that is obviously meant for an "outsider." Anyone who can't understand the hurt feelings inside that child is stone cold heartless.

I'm going be controversial and say that YANBU. The 10 year old is perfectly old enough to appreciate that her own mother's family almost certainly wouldn't give her half siblings identical presents to her if they happened to be together for some reason. It's a simple fact of life. She was given a perfectly decent gift to add to the pile of other gifts she would have received over Christmas. She will have received gifts from her own mother's family as well. Your mum did absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to compromise her actions because your step-child happens to be in the house. Yes, you & your husband should treat her equally, but that doesn't have to extend to your Mum who is simply treating her blood relatives. She's been perfectly reasonable to a child she doesn't really know.

I bet your husband's ex wife's parents don't buy anything for your kids.

Yeah, someone tried to use that against me. It didn't wash with me then and it doesn't now.

Of course my ex husband's parents don't buy for my children with my current husband because she no longer has much to do with me, I'm not her family so my children aren't her family. She doesn't know those children and they don't know her. They haven't spent any time with her and don't expect to be loved or even liked by someone who is a stranger to them.

They do love my husband's (their stepdad) parents because they have met them and they are a big part of our lives. It's not the same thing at all.

It's about treating siblings fairly when they are all in the same home and opening presents together.

Only in the parallel universe of MN do parents/step parents keep a running tote of who gets what to ensure its completely fair at all times and that no precious snowflakes can have a moment of unrest.

I never kept a running tote of who got what.

But it was obvious when some children got a mug of sweets and the others got over a £100 worth of toys.

I don't spend the same amount to the penny on my children, but it isn't hard to notice if some children are getting a hell of a lot less because they aren't blood related. No spread sheets needed.

YANBU i am in a similar situation to your mum, I bought my DGC gifts that I knew they wanted and would enjoy. They also have an older step sister who I have met a few times over the years and I have always included a small gift for her as well. But she is not my grandchild, she has another GM who provides the love and the gifts I give to my little grandchildren.

Can i ask how people expect christmas presents to work generally? Should sdc be bought the same amount as resident children? With us step dc arrive boxing day, so resident children get santa bits and pieces, step children get main presents only. If we treat all equally we'd have to cut out the santa and stockings as we couldnt afford 4 lots, but the step dc will get that stuff anyway at their mums.

We spent more or less the same on our joint dd and husbands child, DSS maybe got a little more £10/20 ish. Wouldn't enter dhs head to spend less on one of his children as we had children together, I wouldn't want him to either. He'd feel like he was expecting his ex to pick up the financial slack, and also feel like shit when his son came and saw the difference.

If your dh has four children he should be treating them the same. It's a struggle I know. I know that in together families the amount spent goes down if more children are born, but all children would get less. If it works for you and everyone's happy then that's fine, but I'd be worried my DSS noticed his dad giving him less so he could spend more on his sister and be hurt.

There is a lot of cut and dried thinking going on here and an inability to understand that gift giving is about the feelings of the recipient and not about marking the degree of relationship.

When it comes to children who are half siblings, the relationship of the children to each other and the fact that they are all in the same room at the time the gifts are opened, with their father present overseeing everything, is really important.

A ten year old child has been overlooked by everyone, and to cap it all, her own father has pulled the rug out from under her feet to reinforce the dividing line among the siblings.

Nothing good can be achieved from drawing lines between children like that, and there has been a blow to the father-daughter relationship that will need mending.

Why would anyone want to choose this course? These are children who are experiencing the fallout.

We spent the same on all 4 of the children, but because dsd's presents were more expensive it did look like she had "got less". And she did say something about that because she didn't understand the monetary difference between her presents and her siblings much cheaper presents. Surely none of you think that is unfair?

But she hasn't been overlooked by anyone. She was given perfectly reasonable presents to unwrap. She is old enough to understand that blended families have different relationships within them. Nobody would expect cousins to receive gifts of identical value from a mum/auntie just because they were spending Christmas together.

Were you completely incapable of making it look more even. A couple of cheap, bulky items to make a child feel good. Would that really have been to much to ask, did you both manage to make her feel left out twice?

I disagree. She saw her half siblings receiving gifts to mark the level of relationship (grandmother/grandchildren) because that is exactly what this grandmother intended. She thus correctly understood that her gift also marked the level of relationship (i.e. not a grandchild) and also the fact that her half siblings' grandmother has not managed over the course of six years to get to know her. The first is perhaps understandable, but the second element is not.

How can a child be part of the lives of her half siblings since they were born, and part of the OP's life for six years, and part of her own father's life since she was born, yet be so unknown by the grandmother/mother-in-law/mother of the OP in this situation?

If your dh has four children he should be treating them the same. It's a struggle I know. I know that in together families the amount spent goes down if more children are born, but all children would get less. If it works for you and everyone's happy then that's fine, but I'd be worried my DSS noticed his dad giving him less so he could spend more on his sister and be hurt.

Really? So the two that live with us get 3 or four main presents with the two that dont, and we treat them all the same. Dsc arrived this morning with shedloads from their mum and stepdad, photos of piles of presents christmas morning. They got £100 each too, which they want to go shopping with tomorrow. I think our two would notice they get very little compared to their half siblings. It works the other way too- dc would notice they got less so we could spend more on sdc.

The way we do it they get at least similar treatment, (even though our santa presents are essentials like pants, socks, shampoo etc). step dc actually get alot more, as they have their stepdads family too.

If we were allowed to have sdc on christmas eve/day they'd all wake up to the same.

Unbelievable lunar.

I wouldn't do what you have suggested with my own children when my oldest wants an expensive gift and my youngest two want cheaper things. Because I don't want any of my children to be entitled and spoilt.

They are not cousins -- they are half siblings, Stickerrocks.

I don't think that's unfair either that's just growing up, being 10 she would want more expensive things than a 6 year old, she would have a smaller pile. When your kids are 10 they will seem to have less too.

Exactly Rabbit. Lunar's suggestion is just ridiculous because children need to learn that if they want something expensive then they get less. Less than their siblings possibly but that's just the way it is as they grow up.

My children are in no way entitled or spoilt, they are kind boys and will always share whatever they have with each other and others.

That doesn't mean that they are incapable of human emotions. They are perfectly capable of understanding that different people get different things at different times. But at Christmas I don't want them to think about that at all. I wanted them to look at their presents and smile and feel good. Their pile of presents was different but looked a similar size. My eldest got smaller items than my youngest, so I added a couple of minecraft pillows. Hardly cost me anything and made things look equal.

It can be truly shit being a step child with all the various combinations of siblings, family dynamics are not the choice or fault of the children. Ensuring that all the children at each event over Christmas are treated the same is not rocket science.

Four children opened Christmas presents together. Three got the same thing. The fourth child got less than half of that.

I simply cannot imagine a situation where I'd do that to a 10 year old child.

If DM didn't want to spend the same on all the children, then they open presents separately.

OP, your dsd was hurt. She told you she was hurt, you could see she was, according to your post. She's ten. My son is ten and there is no way I'd want him to feel rejected like that. On top of it all, her own father, influenced by your opinion no doubt, reinforced her outsider status. You and your mom hurt this child and she won't likely ever forget how you made her feel. If you want to insist you're being completely fair and equally loving to her, knock yourself out. You know in your heart that she felt like an outsider and not part of the family, and it seems you're ok with that. I would not be ok with that.

math yes, they are half-siblings, but the eldest isn't related to OP's mum. She hasn't left her out and she's under no obligation to get her anything or split her budget equally between the 4 of them. OP and her DH are treating them all fairly (all families seem to have unwritten rules on either equal cost or equal numbers of presents), but in the real world that doesn't have to extend any further. Perfect equality can only exist in an ideal world. In real life someone will always be disappointed.

lunar So some children are hard done by because they get expensive presents which could mean a smaller pile/less presents? Sorry but I struggle to feel any sympathy if they have had equal amounts spent on them. Children need to learn at some point.