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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Donnadoon · 03/01/2016 23:10

^ This ^ What TouchingToes said

mathanxiety · 03/01/2016 23:18

'Math, you said earlier that the colouring wasn't appropriate as she had a laptop'
em, no, actually...

And yes to TouchingToes

HormonalHeap · 03/01/2016 23:20

I don't know about the therapy but TouchingToes summed it up neatly. It really is as simple as that.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/01/2016 23:24

Touching toes, where do you get that everybody rounded on her and invalidated her feelings from?

The op just says that dad had to explain to here out different relationships.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 03/01/2016 23:29

Clearly the ten year old in question is not swept away by the colouring book fad. We know this for a fact.

You've spoken to the child now have you?

Pangurban1 · 04/01/2016 00:23

I have stayed in MIL's house over Christmas and have never given other children (son's cousins) anything remotely approaching what I give mine. Their own parents can do that, like I do. The children are very happily given and receive things like pens/markers/(colouring) books and sometimes a top or pjs or/and a selection box. They are not all given the same thing. Kids aren't too keen the clothes presents! I expect giver to be nicely thanked. I thought these were nice and useful things, rather than the source of scathing disdain shown here. Parents can give the electronic gadgets or equivalent value presents.

It doesn't matter how long I know them, I still give them less expensive presents than my son. And vice versa. Strangely enough, irrespective of the relationship or how long they know him, these other children's parents or grandparents don't give my son the equivalent of a ps4 or wii or xbox either. Nobody else's grandparents, other than my son's own grandparents, give him anything. Same for his cousins and their grandparents. I would regard it as an unexpected bonus if he got any presents from someone else's grandparents as well as his own (never mind the same level of gift), rather than a cause for derision or therapy.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 04/01/2016 00:49

I have stayed in MIL's house over Christmas and have never given other children (son's cousins) anything remotely approaching what I give mine

That's not the point. The point is the girl's father was happy for 1 of his 4 children to be treated less favourably in the family home in front of his other 3 children.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/01/2016 01:48

As would a lot of parents who quite understood that one of their children was not related in any way to the person giving the gift.

Or that that child had people who do have the same actual relationship to the child as that person does to the children that recieved the more valuble gifts gifting that child but not his other children.

Or one who understood that in most circumstamces the children that have two households usually get more of everything and knowing that the other children usually have to observe that so occasionally it can be beneficial to remember that equal does not always mean fair or the same

mathanxiety · 04/01/2016 01:56

Nottodaythankyou, why don't you tell us all how the ten year old felt about school supplies and a colouring book, if you think my opinion isn't accurate, given that she reportedly was on the receiving end of '"just" some colouring things and some chocolates' and was 'looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get.'

Have you spoken to the child?
Do you know better than the OP how the child reacted?

mathanxiety · 04/01/2016 02:27

Again, NeedsAsockamnesty, the relationship that is important here is the one of the child to the father and to the half siblings, not the relationship to the OP's mother -- how she 'feels' about the child is not something that needs to be spelled out in the presence of her half siblings and her own father, at Christmas of all days.

The only person allowed to express feelings here is apparently the MIL. I agree that the child's feelings were invalidated and also that the father is storing up a lot of resentment by allowing his new family to trample over his own daughter in front of the assembled company

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 04:39

Head --> Wall! I'm sure I mentioned that Dsd was fine after a few minutes. As for therapy because she got some colouring stuff (from someone who she barely knows). Only on MN! Grin

It's way to early to type a long response so I'm going to go with what Needs said.

Donnadoon · 04/01/2016 07:12

Why are you banging your head against the wall because people don't agree with you OP?

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 07:41

I'm banging my head against a wall because certain people on this thread like to make things up. For example, apparently we all ganged up on dsd.
And that dsd won't like her presents because her toddler sister got some (different) colouring stuff too.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 07:46

And I've clearly explained that dsd's initial reaction was for a couple of minutes tops, and that after her dad explained to her why she didn't get the other bits she was fine. Yet people on this thread insist on going on about how unhappy. It's been over a week and it's definitely not affected her in any way!

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 07:47

Yet people on this thread insist on going on about how unhappy she is.
(Miss out a couple of words in that sentence!)

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 07:54

Fuck sake. Miss should obviously say Missed.

rageagainsttheBIL · 04/01/2016 08:32

There's another thread on here about a dad who won't let his kids into his house, lied to his kids repeatedly about being at work when he was with his new family, and even lied to them about his wedding so they couldn't attend, for a bit of perspective... Obviously there are degrees of crapness but it seems some posters are really over invested in this thread.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/01/2016 12:32

It is an interesting conversation to have

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 12:34

Oh I agree needs it is. It's been a bit Hmm in some places though Grin

Thatoneoverthere · 04/01/2016 14:33

I think that it's Ok for your DSD to get less from her step grandmother BUT I think what she bought was not OK under the circumstances.
If she is going to buy 3 out of 4 siblings what is effectively matching presents but only a quarter of that for your DSD its never going to go well is it?
If your mother got more individual presents for her grandchildren and something small for your DSD it would have made far more sense. Maybe to have made it about her being more grown up than the others, like get her a DVD they can't watch but only cost a £5. But I spend a lot of time with the crazy 8-14 age group so I have thought a lot about such things.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 15:21

Thatone But that's the thing, not all of dsd's presents were identical to the others' presents. and when you count each individual present, she actually ended up with one less than the others. Rather than the pyjamas, the toy and the money she got lots of different colouring things as well as the chocolate.
I know a packet of scented felt tips doesn't equate in value to 30 quid, and a pencil case is cheaper than a toy, but she still had presents to open and she likes them. My mum shouldn't be expected to spend as much on dsd if she doesn't know her very well. And well, it's the thought that counts. She thought about what a 10 year old girl might like in the same way she thought about what a 2 year old girl might like. Ironically with my DD my mum bought something to do with Paw Patrol and DD isn't keen on it. Whereas dsd loves her presents. I wonder if people will make a big song and dance about "the lack of thought" about DD.
I'm not bothered if my mum bought something DD isn't really in to, the same way I wouldn't be bothered if my mum bought something dsd isn't in to, because she wasn't told. What was she supposed to do except guess?

SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 16:07

Come to think of it, even if she asked me I wouldn't be bothered if she bought any of the children something completely different and it ended up being something they don't like. My mum is entitled to buy whatever she likes and it's not up to me to kick up a stink about it!
My gran bought DS2 a scooter. She asked which one she should buy and I pointed out a Thomas and Friends one. She bought a plain one. Why? Because she's the one buying the presents and she is entitled to make the choices. If DS2 would have preferred the Thomas one then it would have been tough.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 04/01/2016 18:21

SoapandGloryisDivine are you the OP ? Have I missed a name change?

I initially agreed with you but the more you go on about it, the more wrong I think your partner and you are and to a lesser extent , your mother.. It's the complete lack of empathy on the part of her father , you and to a lesser extent your mother,three adults towards a 10 year old. The generous cash gifts in particular could have been handed to you.

Tweetypie100 · 04/01/2016 18:38

It was awkward enough for me this Christmas opening presents from our family in front of my husbands aunt and cousins who hadn't as much (because they'd done theirs earlier in the morning) so I could see how she felt a bit odd as even when the shoe is on the other foot it is awkward. It must be hard for her because she knows she's different to the other three kids...

Having said that there is no excuse for being fussy about it in front of people and expressing her displeasure as you say.

Your mum wasn't technically wrong and it was nice of her to buy her something, but maybe next time it can be done more subtly ie can you do the kids present opening at her house?

Thatoneoverthere · 04/01/2016 18:40

LassWiTheDelicateAir I agree with you after that rant! I thought that I had said I agreed with SoapandGloryisDivine but I'm dyslexic as fuck so who knows :P. All I meant is that they are the same from a physical point of view. As in Toy, PJ's and Money. Nothing else. Nothing about the money/value, her liking or not liking it, your kids having to do with out or have stuff they don't like, your mother being generous or not nothing like that. She was probably just looking for her pj's since her 3 siblings got them.