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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
SoapandGloryisDivine · 04/01/2016 19:11

The generous cash gifts in particular could have been handed to you.

I agree with that.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2016 06:10

'As for therapy because she got some colouring stuff (from someone who she barely knows). Only on MN!'

No, that would be because her father is so spineless and lets other people treat her as a second class child of his in his own home in front of him and her half siblings.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 05/01/2016 06:40

Shall we stop going round in circles and just agree to disagree Grin

TouchingToes · 05/01/2016 06:55

Not only on MN at all. Your attitude to your dss is sadly familiar. At least she will be in good company when she is old enough to find someone who acknowledges her feelings.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 05/01/2016 09:06

Clearly you haven't read what I have been writing, or you have read it but you're twisting it. I think it's the latter.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/01/2016 10:29

Op.

If you are in my area you are more than welcome to pop round and meet a very well adjusted sensible Young woman who has no issues at all as a result of not being treated as if she were related to all my extended family members.
She's very clear that she preferred it that way.

She is awesome

SoapandGloryisDivine · 05/01/2016 12:14

Needs I bet she's lovely :) Is she your dsd?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/01/2016 17:09

She is

fusionconfusion · 05/01/2016 19:11

Wow. This is still going on. It's a New Year, people. Peace out. Star

SoapandGloryisDivine · 05/01/2016 19:55

I know. I think we should all accept that some people think I am in the wrong and that dsd is clearly going to need therapy when she's older. I disagree with that and think she's absolutely fine. And we shall leave it at that Smile

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/01/2016 21:01

Are those the only two possible outcomes, though, Soap?

You don't think there are any shades in between? Hmm. So, unless the OP's dsd was so traumatised by what happened that she needs therapy, she must be entirely happy with what happened? She's not allowed to be hurt, unless the hurt is life-altering?

What a daft thing to suggest.

mathanxiety · 06/01/2016 04:17

Still wondering why this thread was started.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/01/2016 09:50

So we could all tell the OP that it is just fine for her stepdaughter to be treated so differently, and for no attempt to be made to consider her feelings, math?

TouchingToes · 06/01/2016 21:19

So we could all tell the OP that it is just fine for her stepdaughter to be treated so differently, and for no attempt to be made to consider her feelings, math?

Yes that's the impression I got, too.

AIBU?
Yes
No, I'm not
Well... er, yes you are..
NO I'M NOT

catkind · 06/01/2016 23:24

Some posters think OP is BU, some think she isn't, a discussion was had, OP came to own conclusions. There's no rule that an OP has to bow to whoever shouts loudest or longest.

Shutthatdoor · 06/01/2016 23:36

Some posters think OP is BU, some think she isn't, a discussion was had, OP came to own conclusions. There's no rule that an OP has to bow to whoever shouts loudest or longest

Completely agree

Nottodaythankyouorever · 06/01/2016 23:38

AIBU?
Yes
No, I'm not
Well... er, yes you are..
NO I'M NOT

Well apart from the fact that isn't how it's gone.

Some have agreed with OP some haven't and some are undecided.

fusionconfusion · 07/01/2016 00:01

It happened in 2015.

IT'S BEHIND YOU!!!

Mwah ha ha ha

fusionconfusion · 07/01/2016 00:01

Oh yes it is!

mathanxiety · 07/01/2016 05:34

It seems to me that the further from the incident time proceeded, the less unreasonable the OP's MIL became.

Sometimes people only pay attention to important things if they irritate them, and then only for as long as the irritation is happening. The more time passes the less important it all seems.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/01/2016 09:16

Math, a huge amount of poster thought it was nice of her mother to bring the child a gift

SoapandGloryisDivine · 07/01/2016 11:01

Catkind explained it brilliantly. Smile

noeffingidea · 07/01/2016 12:52

I agree with your Mum, OP, though perhaps she should have been more tactful.
A ten year old should be able to accept that your mother isn't her grandmother and therefore isn't obliged to get her or treat her exactly the same.
In any case, I've never allowed my kids to count each others presents and compare what they've got. Appreciate what you have been given and stop worrying about other people have got. So far, no signs of any of them needing therapy.

SurrenderAt20 · 07/01/2016 14:59

YANBU but it could have been handled a bit better maybe Confused

I moved to a different country when I was about 13, and not long after I visited my grandparents in England with a friend from my new country. They paid for us both to go and see a film at the cinema that we were both into. My grandparents gave us both a fiver or so in "pocket money", but then gave me another fiver when my friend wasn't with me, so that she wouldn't get upset.

With your DCs being so young, your mother could have done something like given you the £30/child on the side which could be spent on them at a later date. That way your DSD (who I assume is a lot more aware of the concept of money) would maybe have felt less left out as it would have been just two smaller things that were the difference. Obviously I'm now assuming that it was the monetary difference which made her feel upset, I could be wrong of course, but it could be a solution for the future - a child under the age of 5 or 6 surely isn't as bothered by getting money or not as older children are and so keeping hold of it for them isn't as big a thing for them? Confused Just my opinion but like I said, it worked for me Smile

mathanxiety · 07/01/2016 18:45

I suspect the ten year old didn't care about the money, but it was the sight of pajamas plus whatever toy they each got that made her look for 'the rest' of hers. The OP won't divulge what toys the other DCs got so it's impossible to say whether the sheer visual difference between her markers and colouring book and school supplies made her realise that her gift was substantially different from what the others got. I think it makes a difference if the toys were large/expensive/nice/elaborate/looked like a lot of fun but we don't know at this point if that was a factor. I suspect it was, and that that was why the OP decided not to describe the toys. On top of that, there were pajamas.

A ten year old should be able to accept that your mother isn't her grandmother and therefore isn't obliged to get her or treat her exactly the same.

An adult with a kind heart should be able to accept that what she is or isn't 'obliged' to do isn't really the point on Christmas morning. What should have concerned her were the feelings of a child spending an unusual Christmas Day with her own half siblings and her father, and therefore the idea of whacking her over the head with the bald statement that she and her sibs were somehow separate from each other would never cross her mind, because that was not necessary and not kind.

The child was being asked to make all the allowances here, whereas it is the adults who should have done that, given that it was Christmas and that they were dealing with children, and apparently the DSD only spends Christmas with her half siblings and her father once in a blue moon -- when you spend Christmas with your own father in his own home with his other children then that home is your home and that should have been acknowledged in a meaningful way, and not with a token that only served to tell the child that she was a blow-in. How much would it really have hurt the OP's mum to have given a nod to the fact that all the children are related and that they all have the same father and that the DSD was as welcome as anyone else in that home that day?

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