AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

My children have pencils at home. Plus crayons, markers, coloured pencils, paints of all kinds, and they always have. The youngest is now 14 and doodles a lot.

I imagine your DSD also has plenty of pencils at home. It's not The Great Depression any more. Children have stuff. The DSD apparently has a laptop.

A creative and artistic child might have liked a little craft kit? Something a little less basic, generic, and impersonal than pencils and markers?

Right, you weren't complaining about her ungratefulness:
'she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. '

What is all this about:
'I'm not saying that she doesn't like her...'

'WoodHeaven Sat 26-Dec-15 20:11:57
Maybe the issue is that she is trested very equally by the rest oof your family but not by yoour mum.
So she goes and sees your DF and she is treated the same. But she sees your DM and she is treated differently???'

(OP)
'WoodHeaven Basically yes.
My mum's SIL is even worse. She says dsd is nothing to her and that she's an irritating child. I always always make sure she isn't here when she and my uncle come here. At least my mum actually likes her.'

That is very strong language and very negative.
'nothing to her'? What has this child done?

Does the child have to forgo a visit with her father when the SIL and uncle are there, or do they arrange their visits so as not to coincide with the DSD's time with her father?

And what do you mean by 'even worse'?

Fair enough, you don't have to reveal what your own children received. But I am wondering how lavish they were. Perhaps you understand that.

A creative and artistic child might have liked a little craft kit? Something a little less basic, generic, and impersonal than pencils and markers?

Your attitude is coming across as really grabby tbh. Yes she's artistic and creative, but I wouldn't be saying "Oh if only you got a craft kit". And I certainly wouldn't be telling my mum off for not getting her a craft kit.

Does the child have to forgo a visit with her father when the SIL and uncle are there, or do they arrange their visits so as not to coincide with the DSD's time with her father?

They very rarely visit. So no she doesn't have to forgo seeing her father. I would always make sure they visit when I know dsd isn't here because otherwise dsd would be in a room with someone who can't tolerate her every move. And when I say my aunt is even worse, her attitude towards dsd is that she doesn't like her full stop. That's even before you bring presents in to the equation. The chances of my aunt ever buying dsd a present are zero because in her words dsd is "nothing to her". My mum likes her, she just doesn't know her her very well. Big difference.

The DSD apparently has a laptop.

Yes, she has. And you're whinging about her not getting a little craft kit!

You have mentioned a few times that she is a creative and artistic child, so maybe you could have passed that on to your mum, who could then have taken a little time to choose something thoughtful. Instead of that, the child was offered a gift whose intention was to reflect a lesser relationship, nothing to do with giving a nod to the child's interests.

My pov here is not 'grabby'. Thoughtfulness need not cost a lot in terms of money, but it goes a long way. Thoughtfulness doesn't mean getting a token gift just in order to give something to be opened. Many ten year olds that I know and knew loved making friendship bracelets, doing simple beadwork, etc. Kits don't cost much but they demonstrate thoughtfulness, even a little affection. You don't always have to smack someone over the head with the statement that you don't know them well.

A little research about the interests of the age group would have helped tremendously, and who better to ask about what the DSD might be interested in than her father, or her step mother, but you and your mother agreed together that the gift would be a token just something to open and that being so, it didn't really matter what it was as long as it was wrapped. So the opposite of thoughtful. Then it was taken one step further and the gift reflected a difference in familiarity even though all four children are the children of DP.

What do you understand by the phrase 'is nothing to her'? I find this phrase incredibly, actively, hostile and not something an adult should ever feel towards a child.
What did the child do to her to warrant such nastiness?

You use the term 'grabby' as an accusation, and complain that the children are all spoiled, seem to think there is something wrong with the idea of a laptop for a ten year old, but you seem ok with the rather large haul that your own children came away with.

Just finished reading this thread which has gone on for days. I think the OP is having a hard time. Her DM is not dsd's grandmother, rarely sees her and brought her a gift. DSD is 10, old enough to understand that she doesn't have 6 grandparents and that although her siblings got presents from their grandmother , they don't share both sets of grandparents and she got her own gifts from her own grandparents. What's wrong with that ?
Surely there were other gifts on Xmas day from other members of OP's family to her 3 children , similarly DSD would have received gifts from other relations of her DM.
DSD appears to live in 2 happy households , not saying that she hasn't been influenced by the fact that her parents are no longer together, but everyone that matters to her seems to work together to ensure she has a stable upbringing. She may have had a moment of feeling hard done by but she is old enough to understand that to get more than her siblings would not have been fair .

What do you understand by the phrase 'is nothing to her'? I find this phrase incredibly, actively, hostile and not something an adult should ever feel towards a child.
What did the child do to her to warrant such nastiness?

To other people it's just a statement about someone not being related to them.

I didn't even tell my mum what my own children are into! Same with DP's parents. My mum just assumed my DSs like avengers and that my DD likes Paw Patrol. For the record DD doesn't even like Paw Patrol- I'm not going to go complaining about the "lack of thought" that she could have found out whether she prefers Paw Patrol or Disney Princesses though! That's not how you accept presents.

Many ten year olds that I know and knew loved making friendship bracelets, doing simple beadwork,

I am well aware what 10 year olds like doing. Just because she's my dsd it doesn't mean I am clueless when it comes to her. I bought her a Pom Pom bag charm kit and sequin art set, amongst other crafty things.

You use the term 'grabby' as an accusation, and complain that the children are all spoiled, seem to think there is something wrong with the idea of a laptop for a ten year old, but you seem ok with the rather large haul that your own children came away with.

I'm saying your attitude is a bit grabby because you seem to think colouring things aren't a good present when they are perfectly fine. I feel a bit sorry for people who buy your children gifts as you will be over analysing every present they open. Possibly passing your grabby attitude on to them.

What do you understand by the phrase 'is nothing to her'? I find this phrase incredibly, actively, hostile and not something an adult should ever feel towards a child.
What did the child do to her to warrant such nastiness?

I think it's horrible. She's done nothing to deserve it.

Many ten year olds that I know and knew loved making friendship bracelets, doing simple beadwork, etc

Many 10 year olds I know, including ones I teach love colouring, especially the ones that are around.

They also find the friendship bracelets etc old now.

• especially the new books that are around.

Colouring books are this year's thing and many 10 year olds love pens (as do many adults).

But really, even colouring books weren't the latest craze, none of us know the OP's SD at all, never mind knowing what she would like better than the OP.

Not all kids are the same. Stationery like that would have been my ideal present at 10. OP knows the DSD, no-one else here does, so if OP says stationery was an appropriate present then quit sniping at the choice.

dsd has loads of creative things, and the things my mum bought for her have added to her collection. I really can't see anything wrong with what my mum bought for her. And as for them being stuff just for school, that's not true at all. Although, I can see her wanting to show off her scented felt tips to her friends at school, and she actually did mention that her friend has exactly the same ones.

As a 10 year old girl, I would be very excited about taking my new pencil case and felt tips in to school, as well as taking showing off my pencils with different rubbers on the end

Ahh memories of being at school.

My mum has an iPad and a laptop.

I bought her 2 colouring books, pencils, a pencil sharpener, pencil case, and a couple of notebooks for Christmas.

Bad me

We are not a big 'gift' family, never have been. The DCs get one or two gifts each from Santa Claus now that they are all much older than yours, and each one gets all the others and me a gift too. We do a gift exchange on Christmas Eve and open Santa gifts on Christmas morning. When they were smaller they got perhaps two or three appropriate items each plus chocolate. We used to have a situation where all of exH's extended family gave a gift to everyone else in it -- that became a bit much because there were seven original family members, plus spouses, plus children. Then we switched to a secret Santa with their twelve cousins and no gifts exchanged among the adults, but that stopped when the logistics of it all became too difficult. The whole family was also very put off the concept of gift giving when exMIL made it clear nobody and nothing would dissuade her from singling out the two cousins who joined the family when their mother married BIL for separate and unequal treatment. Life is too short for pettyness of that sort.

Clearly the ten year old in question is not swept away by the colouring book fad. We know this for a fact.

It is reasonable to suspect that she would have preferred something else that didn't single her out as an outsider. Again, this is not about the gift per se but how the gift was correctly perceived by the child. A little thought and a little less standing on ceremony, and hurt could have been avoided.

We know this child is creative and artistic and we know that the gift she was given was intended as a means to express her place in the affections of her half siblings' grandmother as opposed to the place of her half siblings. She understood perfectly what was intended, so we may conclude that she is intelligent and perceptive too.

My DD (17) has a laptop and android phone, and she got by request a set of watercolours and a watercolour canvas pad.

Your mum is probably not put off colouring stuff by the fact that a toddler in the same room got the same gift, Slithytove. Things that ten year olds are sensitive about might not bother someone a few decades older.

math People of all ages like colouring. My gran in her 70s loves colouring. One year olds love colouring. So I don't understand this concept whereby dsd would be put off colouring just because her 2 year old sister got some colouring stuff too. I'm sorry I just don't get it.

But you saw it with your own eyes.

Saw what?

You saw how much the thought of a colouring book made her heart leap for joy. It may have been the fact that her toddler sibling got one too (maybe even the same sort of book) or it may have been that she doesn't find colouring books provide sufficient outlet for her creativity, or maybe she was genuinely disappointed to be the recipient of such an impersonal gift. No matter what the reason was, the thread was inspired by the upset the gift caused.

If colouring books were really her thing, something she had hoped for, then she probably would not have been upset, looking for the rest of her gift, wouldn't have been considered ungrateful by you and wouldn't have had to be spoken to by her dad to have her gift explained to her.

This thread is weird. My 9yo nephew wasn't put off the game he got for Christmas just because my preschooler DD also got a game. If I can remember that far back, OP said the DSD was momentarily peeved that it was 2 presents not 4, not that there was anything wrong with the presents. (Perhaps where your mum actually went wrong was not wrapping the stationery in lots of separate parcels OP?)

Anyway, getting rubbish presents from distant relatives who you hardly see is completely normal childhood experience, not some debilitating trauma. My cousins once gave me makeup brushes, I did not and never have worn makeup. I only remember this because they turned up in a box recently when we moved house, DC have been using them for gluing. 25 years down the line, cheers cousins! I'm sure the closer family members who were present on that occasion got both bigger and more appropriate gifts.

I doubt she had an issue with the colouring stuff, she probably just wanted cash too.

Math, you said earlier that the colouring wasn't appropriate as she had a laptop. Ridiculous claim. My post was to point out that many people like this type of present and the op has said her dsd is one of them. Why you claim to know better is beyond me. She obviously for a minute or two wanted more presents, like the other kids. Happily, she has had them from her own GP.

To me it's really simple. The child was given a gift inferior to her siblings (half, steps, whatever, on this occasion they were children on the same family on Christmas Day) and she felt hurt. When she expressed her hurt, she was admonished for her "ingratitude".

Seems incredibly mean to me. And the way the OP, the dad and the grandmother (but she's not really the grandmother because she's only known the child 6 yrs) are all rounding on the child to invalidate her feelings is awful.

Just hope Dad is saving up for therapy because if this is representative of how the child is treated, she will have issues for sure.