AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

I got my 15 year old dd colouring things for Christmas, and my 50+ year old sister got some too. I would have been happy to receive nice pens myself. I doubt very much that the DSD got the same set as those given to the toddlers.

I have a step-niece. I got her a present for Christmas this year. It did not in any way reflect how much I like her mother (respect seems an odd term to use in this context), the present I chose for her (my SIL) showed that, or at least I hope it did! The present I got for my step-niece reflected the relationship I have with her. It was similar in size/price to the presents I got for my other two nieces, as they are all fairly similar ages and have similar sorts of relationships to my two children.

You can't assume she didn't get the same stuff as the toddler and young children. The OP says both categories of children got 'colouring things'.

A gift that was substantially different, as the gift in question was, would make most parents say 'ouch' along with their child. Imo a gift that expresses a different level of relationship among children who are half siblings would be disrespectful of the fact that one of the adults is the parent of all the children equally and that to him they are all equal. Or they should be. If they are not, then shame on him.

Perhaps not relevant to this thread but dh is not the parent of my children. If he bought them a lesser present to reflect this, I would be furious as this would be highlighting thier lesser status to them. We cannot control what grandparents in the family do, but I would hope that if they wanted to give their own grandkids a special gift, (absoutely fair enough), they would tactfully do this another time and not in the home of the step grandkids in full view! Too bad if it's Christmas! Surely that's just tact and polite, and considerate behaviour that separates humans from other animals!

You can't assume she didn't get the same stuff as the toddler and young children. The OP says both categories of children got 'colouring things'.

You seem determined to find fault in whatever the OPs DM did.

You have no way of knowing what 'type' of colouring stuff it was either.

My DN had colouring stuff for Christmas and loves it. She is a highly intelligent 12 year old.

Math if you wanted me to give you a breakdown of what colouring things my mum got for dsd then you should have just asked!

Scented felt tips
A pack of about 20 pencils with all different shaped rubbers stuck on the end
A colouring book
A drawing pad
A pencil case.

My 2 sons got an avengers tin with about 5 felt tips in it and a colouring book/stickers and my daughter got the same tin but a paw patrol one. Plus the drawing pad and colouring book. She was aware that the tins wouldn't really have been dsd's thing.

Then dsd also got the selection box and tube of smarties.

i actually think there was plenty of thought put in to dsd's gifts. I highly doubt she'd have liked a paw patrol tin! She didn't get the pyjamas, a toy and the money, but she still got a lovely bunch of colouring things! And then everything else. Hardly hard done by.

Hormonalheap, I hope you don't ever invite friends for Christmas if it means your own kids have to have their main presents in secret. Not that it would fool anyone for a second as soon as the kids are old enough to talk to each other. Or don't you get your kids big gifts? "If you want to get your own kids something more"?? It's the norm isn't it? If you don't really do Christmas like that it's a different situation. Or if someone's so rolling in it they can get iPads for whatever kids that happen to roll up I guess. Would you require any guest kids to have their main presents from their parents in secret on Christmas eve too?

Imo a gift that expresses a different level of relationship among children who are half siblings would be disrespectful of the fact that one of the adults is the parent of all the children equally and that to him they are all equal. Or they should be. If they are not, then shame on him.

Absolute rubbish.

The person giving the gift does have a different relationship with the DC. It is nothing to do with the relationship with the parent that the DC have the same.

You keep using emotive language bringing other relations into this.

At 10 the DC would understand this. My niece has a different Mum to her siblings. She fully understands this and that all her grandparents aren't the same as her siblings, even though they are close.

Catkind I think you're still missing the point. We're talking here about extended family, not friends. I don't think my mum would describe my dh's daughter as "a kid that happened to roll up". And the other thing you don't seem to get is is that step children/grandchildren are not "guest kids", they're members of the family.

You were talking about any child present hormonalheap. I queried whether this would include visiting friends and you confirmed in your last post that it did.
There are closer and less close relationships within a family too. I don't get my nieces or nephews the same as my own kids, and if I buy for BIL's brother's offspring at all it's just a token. Regardless of who's seeing who when. No secret, no need to hide from each other, everyone has their own closest family giving them special gifts.

everyone has their own closest family giving them special gifts.

Exactly. And my mum isn't close to dsd, regardless of who her dad is.

OP here by the way

Correct Catkind. I was talking about any child present, including step children/step grandchildren. Be it Christmas or any occasion, such as the one I mentioned where one grandmother split what she could afford between all the children present at the table, and the other gave only to her own. Which do you think is the nicer Catkind? It's just polite, and manners, not to give your child more when they are opening their presents together. By your way of thinking, I should be giving my stepchild less as he doesn't live with us and we're not that close. Nice!

I guess part of my point here is that your mum should be close to DSD, because of who her dad is. Or she should fake it, again because of who her dad is.

Pencils and a pencil case plus a colouring book and drawing pad maybe she already has a pencil case for school, and pencils too, with rubbers on the ends. 'A colouring book' could cover all sorts of different quality items, and same goes for a drawing pad. Scented felt tips again, maybe she already has a set, or unscented markers for school.

Compared to the toy, pajamas and £30 each, this all looks a little boring. Maybe it would be worth asking your children which of their items they found the most exciting.

What was the toy they each got?

It is just nicer all around to consider the feelings of children and not to go purely on your own feelings, when you are the adult.

The DSD is closest family to her father, staying for Christmas in a home she has a right to consider her own by dint of her father living there.

By your way of thinking, I should be giving my stepchild less as he doesn't live with us and we're not that close. Nice!

That isn't what is being said as we aren't talking about the parent/DC. don't understand why some find this hard to grasp

I have quite strong words with family members of they leave my DSD out. It's try she does have DO's family, her mums family and her stepdads family buying her presents, but to sit her in a room with other children opening gifts and give her less feels incredibly cruel.

Are her relatives buying for her siblings? Bet they don't - think its a good convo starter for difference between fair and equal. She had presents from her relatives that siblings won't have so it is fair how the children were dealt with - it doesn't mean everyone has to have exactly the same . She is allowed to be disappointed but for me even at that age she should have enough self discipline to say thank you and remind herself she gets more from her other rellies that they don't

Pencils and a pencil case plus a colouring book and drawing pad maybe she already has a pencil case for school, and pencils too, with rubbers on the ends. 'A colouring book' could cover all sorts of different quality items, and same goes for a drawing pad. Scented felt tips again, maybe she already has a set, or unscented markers for school.

Compared to the toy, pajamas and £30 each, this all looks a little boring. Maybe it would be worth asking your children which of their items they found the most exciting.

Wow. Nothing like accepting presents graciously because of it being the thought that counts. You truly are reading too much in to and over analysing what gifts she received. A clear example of how society is entitled and ungrateful when it comes to Christmas/Birthdays, etc...
So what if she already has a pencil case? Or some felt tips? She's got more now. She accepted some presents more maturely and graciously than you ever could and she's 10 years old.

Hormonal, so, one step at a time. Do you admit it's okay to give my own child more than my brother in law's nephew even if both happen to be around the same table?

I am trying to work out whether we're debating the degree of closeness of a step-grandparent/grandchild relationship (not a question that has a single correct answer in my view), or if in fact we're debating a major difference in present giving etiquette.

I'm a step child, my mum and stepdad didn't have any more Kids so there's just me and my sister.
My step family didn't buy us presents, it never bothered me and I never saw my step grandma as a grandparent, I was 8 when they got married, to me my grandparents were my mum and dads parents. I saw my step cousins getting gifts for birthdays and Christmas and it never occurred to me to get upset by it.

Catkind I think we're debating a major difference in present giving etiquette. No I don't think it's ok, sat round a table as you suggested, to give your own children/grandchildren more- everyone would understand why you'd want to- and I'm sure there would be a lot of people that would do that, but it just isn't a nice thing to do. If you want to do that, give your child/grandchild's present another time- it's not about 'secrets' it's just polite. If you don't get it, there isn't a lot more I can do to explain.

Only on MN. I don't know of anywhere else where posters would expect a parent to give their own child the same as their BIL nephew! madness and ridiculous

Madness and ridiculous indeed!
If anyone told me in RL I must buy my BIL's nephew as much as my own if they're going to be in the same room together, I'd probably laugh and think it was a joke. And of course, I'd say no.

Indeed shutthatdoor. I don't think anyone would want to share Christmas with us in real life if it meant all the children had to have their main presents some other time.

There was a thread anfew days before Christmas about two families adult brother and sister I think who were all sharing a family Christmas at their parents and taking with them their children.

One adult asked the others to not gift their own children as much because they weren't buying much for their child.

It ran for quite a few pages almost all posters said that was bat shit crazy

No she didn't accept the tokens she got 'more maturely and graciously than you ever could and she's 10 years old'.

She had a strop that caused you to post here complaining about her ungratefulness.

And to give a child school supplies for Christmas really isn't as special a gesture as you are trying to make out.

The thought does indeed count, and when the thought is to show a child that in her own home with her own father present, she is being treated as second class, fair play to her for understanding fully at age ten what the gift giving exercise was all about.

What toys did your own children receive?

I wasn't complaining about her ungratefulness actually. I was pointing out that she was at first.
After it was explained to her she was fine. An adult such as yourself would have pulled their face and kept it going. Hence why she handled it better than you would have done.

And to give a child school supplies for Christmas really isn't as special a gesture as you are trying to make out.

You do realise children like to use these things at home as well as school. Do your children never pick up a pencil apart from when they're at school or something? Dsd is very creative and artistic, so the presents she received were ideal.

The toys that my children received I don't need to tell you if I don't want to. So I won't :)