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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 31/12/2015 12:25

Needsasockamnesty but the difference with the two step grandmothers is one has probably got no relationship with the step grandchildren and didn't give her grandchild a present in front of them. The other step grandparent was with them at Christmas, has got a relationship with the step grandchild and gave the children presents at the same time. I think it does make a difference, I would give them the same but I think the least you could do is give them something that looks a bit less like something you would wrap up for an acquaintances child which is what it sounds like.

Of course some colouring stuff and chocolates could mean something from the pound shop and a bar of chocolate or it could mean something a bit special from an art shop and a £5 selection box so hard to say. One of my grandchildren is a keen artist and their favourite presents this year were sketching pencils. He is guarding his tin of pencils and a sketch pad like the crown jewels, his brother would have been horrified if he got them. Alot depends on how appropriate the gift is, it isn't just money.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 12:59

The reason why dsd's grandmother on her mum's side is being mentioned is to point out that there is no relationship between my children and her, hence no presents and I wouldn't expect her to! My mum doesn't really have a relationship with dsd but she knew dsd would be there so bought her some token gifts. I can't see what is wrong with that.

The reason why I keep mentioning dsd's grandmother when it comes to my dad wanting to help out financially towards school trips etc.. is because my children have my parents to help out with stuff like that and dsd has her own set of grandparents. My dad will gladly buy presents for her birthday and Christmas and she benefits from many sets of grandparents when it comes to presents. But for other things it should just be her actual grandparents who do those things for her, which as I pointed out could end up in a difference in opportunities and lifestyle. Her grandma is taking her to America next year, DS got a present from my dad for getting a good report at school in the summer. Dsd's grandma probably helps to pay for things for dsd in the same way my dad does for my children. Won't always be the same, and why should dsd benefit from both?

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 31/12/2015 16:32

The reason why dsd's grandmother on her mum's side is being mentioned is to point out that there is no relationship between my children and her, hence no presents and I wouldn't expect her to!

It's a completely different situation. Your children live permanently with their father. The step daughter has to visit the house you all share to see him. That's the point people were making, when she is there, she should be treated the same as her father's other children. If you and your mother want to give better presents to your 3 it should not be in front of her.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 16:46

If you and your mother want to give better presents to your 3 it should not be in front of her.

It's not about what presents I want to give to her. she got great presents from me, just like my children did. She got token presents from my mum because my mum and in the circumstances I think that's the best my mum could have done.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 16:48

I didn't edit that last sentence properly. Ignore the bit in the middle that says "because my mum".

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 31/12/2015 17:37

I changed my mind during the course of this, mainly due to Seneca's posts.

I don't agree it's the best your mother and you (and your partner who seems to have no part in this at all) could have done. The presents to be opened when they were all together should have been roughly the same - that doesn't mean upping the value for all but giving the larger presents and cash when step daughter was not there.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/12/2015 17:41

So not fostering an enviroment of supportive caring honesty and teaching the DC that they have to behave like its a covert secret or something that's wrong?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 31/12/2015 17:48

That is your view. Mine is that their father should not be permitting 3 of his children to be favoured in his house in front of his first child.

catkind · 31/12/2015 19:30

Would people object to a godparent favouring their god-child? That would be a similar situation where an adult may be friendly with all the family but have a particular relationship with one child.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 19:59

Also (hypothetical situation here) what if my children were from a previous relationship, and their paternal grandparents came here with their presents (just say their dad was working away or something) Would people expect them to buy the same for dsd?
But I bet if it was the other way around and dsd's grandma came here with dsd's presents, people wouldn't say she should buy the same for the other children because why would she when she doesn't know them.

OP posts:
CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 20:03

7th comment after your OP

"Does your DP ex MIL buy presents for your DC?"

was there an answer?

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 20:05

Yes there was. Keep looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 20:07

Apologies I thought you meant the comment where someone asks does his mum buy for my DC. Blush

But no, dp's ex-mil doesn't buy for my children and I wouldn't expect her too.

OP posts:
CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 22:59

No problem

So it's fair enough that your dm buys mainly for your DC, with a token for your dsd

Alconleigh · 31/12/2015 23:07

I find this fascinating. I'm seeing someone. We live 3 hours apart. He has 2 children. Not met them yet but we are going to start slowly with that in the new year. To be honest I can't really imagine a situation where my parents then meet these children, well not for years anyway, but if they did, people aren't honestly saying they'd expect my parents to treat these children as grand children are they? That's crackers!

HormonalHeap · 31/12/2015 23:21

I think the answer is very simple. Of course op's mother isn't expected to treat her daughter's stepchildren as her grandchildren- they're not! But surely it's just manners if you're walking into a house where there are other children, WHOEVER they are, to bring them the same presents? Anything else is just, well, childish and petty?

catkind · 31/12/2015 23:55

HormonalHeap, er what? So if we share Christmas with friends my parents should give their kids the same as their own grandchildren? If we meet up with BIL's siblings, everyone should buy the two steps removed children the same as their own offspring?
Yes if I was buying token presents for a friend's kids, I'd buy the same for any other kids I knew would be there. But not for main family/close friends type presents.

areyoubeingserviced · 01/01/2016 00:23

My now SIL had a daughter( my niece) from a previous relationship.
My DM has always treated her the same as her other grandchildren.

CallieTorres · 01/01/2016 00:43

So if your dps sister was there, should dm have bought her a present of the same level as op? Or if the dps brother had been there the same?, no, a token would have been fine

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 01:03

The DSD is a half sibling of the children who got more, Catkind. When she stays with her father and her half siblings in the home she is a family member, so she should be treated as one. It's not like sharing Christmas with friends and their children or with BIL's siblings and their children.

Rageagain, the DSD is still his child, no matter how much time she spends with him, and when she is with her father in his home it is her home too. The OP has stated that in six years the OP's mum has not got to know this child, apparently even second hand. It is really odd that the grandmother has so little idea of what the DSD might like or need as a Christmas gift that all she could manage was colouring things and chocolate. Could she not pick up the phone and ask the OP or the OP's partner what the DSD might like or need, within certain price limits? What she did was thoughtless and high handed and dismissive of the child, her relationship to her half siblings, and disrespectful of the father and of his relationship with his child.

Alconleigh, it will be different if and when you and your BF have children who are half siblings of the already existing children. Maybe as a mark of respect for your BF (if you and he and his children become a family) your parents will consider honouring his children with more than just token items. As an aside, if the man you are seeing has not made it clear that he and his children are a package, I would hesitate to get involved.

Also, I don't know why everyone seems so hung up on 'equal' here -- thoughtful would do fine. What the mother did was bring a token gift that showed no thought or appreciation for the fact that the child is ten.

Hormonal, I agree.

TitusGibbonicus · 01/01/2016 01:21

There's possibly a touch too much disparity in the presents, in that maybe a toy or the pyjamas - all get dressed in the same things on christmas morning sort of thing, nice and inclusive - but then i would expect there is the same mismatch in presents from DSD's grandparents towards their step-grandchildren. Regardless of the relationship between the grandparent and the step-child. It isn't expected that a child gets equal presents from 6 grandparents. Equal presents from parents and step-parents though, certainly.

TitusGibbonicus · 01/01/2016 01:28

Math, you're the one banging on about equal rather than thoughtful. The DSGD got a present that was the same as the DGC, and apparently some her father also gotbher, so maybe that's more thoughtful than a toy or £30? You sound like someone who has taken personal issue with her partner's parents for not spending the same on their DSGC as their DGC, especially with the 'find out what they need/want, within price limits' comment.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2016 03:27

I posted about thoughtful too, upthread. 'Equally thoughtful' might hit the spot.

Gifts from the DSD's father would be separate in the reckoning from those from the OP's mother. Presumably his other children also got appropriate gifts from him, since they are all his children.

What is wrong with 'find out what they need/want'? The price limit would be set for practical purposes. No use saying the DSD needs/wants a bike, for instance. The OP's mother could have found out if the DSD would like a craft kit or a bracelet from Claire's or something else like pajamas that would have demonstrated a little more care for the DSD and respect for the fact that the DSD's father has a place in this family, than colouring things and chocolate.

There is absolutely no information on which to base your assumption that the other grandparents in the DSD's life (if they have step grandchildren)base gift giving decisions on parentage.

catkind · 01/01/2016 09:25

Why are people hung up about the colouring things and chocolate? Op has already said that was a good choice of present for the child concerned.
Math, I was responding to a poster who said any child that was there should get the same.

HormonalHeap · 01/01/2016 22:44

Yes Catkind, I'd say that's exactly what should happen. If you want to give your own kids/grandkids something more, give it to them xmas eve!