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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 15:33

If my parents couldn't afford it and dsd's could then that would just be the way it is. There would be a difference in opportunities and lifestyle because of different extended families. Same should apply if my parents could afford it and her grandparents couldn't. It's all swings and roundabouts.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 15:34

Also, I don't resent her by the way. I just think that extended families shouldn't have to consider someone's stepchildren for absolutely everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 15:36

*But the point is is that stepgrandparents

OP posts:
finetonive · 30/12/2015 15:39

That's really nasty, especially as your dp's child is 10 (old enough to really notice how she is being treated as second best) and has been with you long enough to produce 3 children between you.
It's not as if she has suddenly appeared.
I feel sorry for her.

wiltingfast · 30/12/2015 15:47

This isn't about some major life opportunity though, this is just Xmas presents.

It's just not v nice not to give equally to children imo.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 16:07

This isn't about some major life opportunity though, this is just Xmas presents.

I know the original topic wasn't about a life opportunity, but the discussion just moved on a bit that's all. Personally I think that if you know your child's stepchildren and have a good relationship with them, then you should give them as many presents as your grandchildren. But if there is no relationship there then not really and a token couple of gifts are fine. I know people will disagree with me on that one but that's my opinion.

With things such as paying for school trips/ a hobby or for some nice new shoes etc... for their grandchildren, I do not think they should then have to do the same for their stepgrand children. No matter how great their relationship is. My dad gets on really well with dsd, but he doesn't help pay for the above expenses for dsd. That's all between DP and his ex and if his ex's parents want to pay for something then that's fine and is just the same as what my dad does for my children.

OP posts:
moopymoodle · 30/12/2015 16:11

I think it's mean personally. In my family it doesn't matter who is blood and who isn't- they all get the same as they are all equal.

My mother in law buys lovely gifts for both my children from a previous relationship, they get treat like grandchildren as in reality they have that relationship.

HormonalHeap · 30/12/2015 16:31

Last year we had a celebratory dinner. Me, my mother, my kids- and dh, his mother and his dd. My mother got out envelopes with cash for my kids and dh's dd. Dh's mum sneaked an envelope under the table to her granddaughter only. My parents aren't loaded, but they divided equally what they could afford.

Had everyone not been present, I wouldn't have been upset as my kids are not my mil's grandchildren. Wouldn't have even crossed my mind. My kids have 2 grandmas and are not in need of extra gifts/money. But to do that with all the kids present, even if mine didn't see? Sorry but that's a vile, stingy thing to do- not her finest moment.

grannytomine · 30/12/2015 16:37

Needsasockamnesty, how do they have exactly the same relationship? Why would the OPs husbands exPIL (there must be an easier way to say that) have any relationship with the OPs children? Their relationship with her husband ended when his relationship/marriage with their daughter ended, didn't it? The OPs children were born after his relationship with his former inlaws ended. The OP and her family have an ongoing relationship with him and all his children.

grannytomine · 30/12/2015 16:40

Needsasockamnesty, just read your post again I was talking about his ex's parents, they are the people who the DSD would be getting presents from that the OPs children wouldn't. Obviously the husbands parents are grandparents to all 4 children.

grannytomine · 30/12/2015 16:42

Hormonalheap, that was vile but at least you know your mother is a lovely person.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 16:47

The OP and her family have an ongoing relationship with him and all his children.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that dsd should have everything from my parents that her siblings have. As I keep saying, they have different extended families on their mums' side so they can't have everything the same all the time.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 30/12/2015 16:54

I don't think they have to have the same things all the time but it was Christmas and she was bringing presents to the children. I don't even think they had to have exactly the same but I do think the difference in what they got was a bit much. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but you did ask.

Creiddylad · 30/12/2015 16:58

I find it very difficult to understand those that think that in blended families everyone should be treated the same, including grandparents.

My mother pays for lots of stuff for my kids, activities and presents. She gives a token present (£20) for Birthday and Christmas for DSS, who she sees maybe once a year.

My PIL's give DSS lovely presents and give him cash when they see him and take him on outings. They see my kids about once a year and give them cash (£20) for presents.

None of the kids think that the others GP should give them the same presents. No one thinks that they are less important. They know who their family is and appreciate what they get from the steps.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 17:11

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but you did ask.

I'm not bothered Grin Your opinion is your opinion!

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 30/12/2015 19:42

I don't believe this thread is still rumbling on. To summarise for anyone who can't be bothered to read 27 pages:

Some people think that everyone must be treated identically within a blended family, even if they have no significant bond or relationship with the person concerned. Some posters believe it is tantamount to abuse to do differently as the child concerned will be emotionally harmed.

Others understand that there are a jumble of different connections within a blended family. Nobody can force a relationship or dictate how others chose to spend their money and give treats and gifts. It's not worth falling out with anyone as a result because it's simply not that big an issue, it's just the way it is.

Can we all please acknowledge that there are valid different opinions and nobody is suddenly going to change their mind, then move on to the big issues of the day: WineCakeChocolate

mathanxiety · 30/12/2015 22:00

And he'd be expected to happy for dsd to have private education if her mum's family paid for it but the others didn't get the same opportunity. That's what happens when they have different extended families.

Does DP ever get a say in anything that happens in this DD's life? He comes across as someone very ready to adopt the course of least resistance.

I agree with Mehitabel that some of the children here are more equal than the others.

Good luck to OP's DH telling his ex and her parents that they have to treat his younger DCs equally to DSD. And spend the same amount on them as on DSD.
Riders, the OP's and DP's children together have nothing whatsoever to do with the DSD's mother and maternal grandparents. Why would they? They probably never see each other; there is no reason to. The DSD otoh, spends time with her father in his house, with her half siblings, as a family unit in which all the children have the same father. (Yet the half siblings' grandmother has not managed to get to know her well enough over the course of six years to be able to offer more than chocolate and colouring things as a Christmas gift.)

OP I just think that extended families shouldn't have to consider someone's stepchildren for absolutely everything.
If the extended family respected the DP then they would treat his child with his ex as equal to his other children. She is only a stepchild to the OP, not to her partner.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2015 22:01

Or perhaps the problem is that the father for whatever reason does not fight his child's corner.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 22:15

Meh I don't have the energy to give you any headspace tonight Math.

Will come back on tomorrow. Night.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/12/2015 00:51

People can have the utmost respect for one of their childs partners and still not consider them to be anything other than a extended family member by marriage.

Grannytomine.

The step childs maternal grandparents are her maternal grandparents, the op's childrens maternal grandparents are their maternal grandparents they are BOTH grandparents to a child in that household if indeed it is the relationship to the children that is the most important focus point for family relationships.

So if you are my step siblings grandparent but not mine is good enough for the op's children to understand and accept then by the same process it should be ok for that to be reversed.

after all the father of these children will always be the father of their grandchild (think that's the arguement lots of people are making about why the op's mother should be grandparent to the SC because the step childs father is the father of her grandchildren)

mathanxiety · 31/12/2015 04:12

They are not respecting the individual family unit then, NeedsAsockamnesty. Which hearkens back to boundaries. If the extended family is more important than the individual families of its members then the GPS and all the charter members need to take a step back and stay back.

You are missing the point that the DSD (rightly) spends time in the home of the father of all the children whereas the other children, her half siblings do not spend time in the home of her mother -- why would they? They have nothing to do with DP's ex wife or her relatives after all. So implying that the DSD's maternal grandparents should have anything to do with the other children is silly.

charlestonchaplin · 31/12/2015 06:01

If parents want children to get the same sort/amount of presents they need to make up the difference. Much more acceptable than demanding your relative spends money or more money buying a gift they don't want to and can't understand why they should. It is the parents that have made the decision to get together and have more children. Trying to control other people's behaviour is just that, controlling.

Tell relatives that you feel that it is important for the step-child's emotional well being to get the same as the other children so you don't want any spontaneous gift-giving. You want them to run the gifts they are planning to give by you so you can even things out if necessary. This will have the effect you desire in many cases because it is quite cumbersome.

The remaining cases will be those who strongly disagree on principle, and you can provide gifts/add to their gifts as necessary. For some people blood relationships are very important, for others it is the closeness of the relationship that matters. When neither is present as in this case, some people really don't want to give, especially when there is a cost to them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/12/2015 08:53

I know you are fiercely determind that your way is the only right way to do things and that anything else is akin to emotional abuse.

But clearly people do things in different ways.

And Yep some people do still have a lot to do with their ex's family. I know I do. I haven't seen him for 4 years yet his adult child is currently living in my house and I had dinner with his mother and sister last night.

rageagainsttheBIL · 31/12/2015 10:24

But Math :

You are missing the point that the DSD (rightly) spends time in the home of the father of all the children whereas the other children, her half siblings do not spend time in the home of her mother -- why would they? They have nothing to do with DP's ex wife or her relatives after all. So implying that the DSD's maternal grandparents should have anything to do with the other children is silly.

By the same token, the DSD spends only a minority of time in the Father's house, and has hardly any relationship with the OP's Mum... Who she has very little to do with.

You seem to be extremely critical or perhaps suspicious that the OP doesn't have her Mum round all the time and hasn't gone to great efforts to make her part of DSD's life...

Yet you know almost nothing about the OP's relationship or dynamic with her mother and the circumstances around her visits.

Due to distance and other factors, my parents visit me maybe 3-4 times a year. I can completely see how if my DH had a child who was usually resident elsewhere that my parents could go a year without seeing them if not more and thus not develop a relationship. And I imagine we would try to keep those occasions distinct anyway, so we could focus on the stepchild while they were with us without the distraction of other family members around. Obviously this is hypothetical but is it really so hard to understand why the OP's mother has very little relationship with DSD?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/12/2015 12:08

I see my mother twice a year