Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 09:18

That is the point OP you are paying for the same trip . If grandparents pay for education you need to finance the 4 th child to do the same.

Not really. We aren't leaving one out if we haven't already paid for the first 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 09:19

Mine go to a good state school, but he wanted to go down the church school route because apparently they are better schools. He's realised that isn't necessarily true.

OP posts:
Micah · 30/12/2015 09:23

Dh's sister is quite a bit older than him. Pil helped her send her dc to private school, paid for hobbies, provided childcare, took them to disneyland.

Their circumstances have changed now and they cant contribute financially for our dc. Theyre too old now for childcare etc.

It is what it is. No point being bitter, people get different things depending on others circumstances.

nooka · 30/12/2015 09:24

Learningtoletgo, yes he did. Which is one of the reasons why even if my brother wanted to access funds for his step-daughter he wouldn't be able to (the fund was set up long before she was born).

I can see if you have close in age children from the blended and from the new family then it must be very tricky to navigate, but I really think that this is for the parents to navigate.

charlestonchaplin · 30/12/2015 09:25

Mehitabel6Some parents do just that. Some children thrive in a state school whilst their sibling is failing horribly. If they think that the best solution is to move their child to an independent school rather than accept an uncertain, possibly mediocre outcome for them, you are unlikely to find that their sibling wishes them anything but the best.

I had one sister in a state school and one in an independent school, though both were doing well in the state school. There was no resentment, and when the older had the opportunity to join the younger (in the sixth form), she didn't want to.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 09:27

He's paid for us to go on holiday in the past as a family, which included dsd.

He and his DW have been talking about taking my 3 on a caravan holiday next summer.

Dsd is going on holiday abroad with her grandparents next year as well to somewhere much further afield.

OP posts:
rageagainsttheBIL · 30/12/2015 09:30

This thread IS weird.

Yes of course immediate family should treat children evenly and fairly, within reasonable limits, but this isnt what we are talking about?

Even within families it isn't always possible or wise to treat everyone the same. I went to private school and uni whereas my much older siblings - by the same parents - didn't. I showed academic promise and got a significant scholarship / bursary, and my parents were in a much better circumstance for me to go. Should they have not let me?

On the flip side my siblings' children are closer to my parents, and they will get many additional years of our parents being around compared to me and my kids - arguably priceless - and they've had different practical and financial help... swings and roundabouts.

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2015 09:31

Quite clearly we are all different but when I started a new relationship my DS came first. He was the child- I am an adult and can deal with having to end a relationship, however heartbreaking.
It had to suit him and I can't imagine taking him into a family where DH's mother didn't bother to build up a relationship or spend time with him, and yet treated his brothers quite differently.
Over and out- my last word.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 09:32
OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2015 09:34

One last word. I did think of sending only one of my children to a private school because of his SNs but I didn't need to in the end BUT that was quite different it was to suits needs not the luck of the grandparent's purse.

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2015 09:35

You haven't changed your mind so I can't have made too much impression. Grin

Debbriana1 · 30/12/2015 09:37

From this post it sounds like the best place to be is a step child if you like getting lots of presents. People think that it will compensate you for not having both your parents.
From reading this, I think the parents should send out a memo to inform all the present givers to buy equal presents. This should apply to dp exes too. Let's all see how that works out. By the way, grand parents don't ask for step grandchildren. It's some thing they learn to deal with and those that don't should be their choices too.

nooka · 30/12/2015 09:39

Mehitabel6 the difference is that you are talking about a child that lives with you for most of the time (I assume given that mothers are very rarely the NRP). That means that in general when you visit your ILs your child does too. In the OP's case her step-daughter stays with them for a fairly small amount of time, and she has also said that visits to her parents are also relatively infrequent.

Unsurprisingly that means that when they do visit her parents it's more likely than not on non contact weekends (far more flexibility apart from anything else). Or as she has said they use the grandparent visits as a way to give the SD time on her own with her dad. The result is that the OP's mother and her SD don't know each other very well.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's the OP's mothers fault that she's not spent much time with her SGD, it looks like it's just how things have panned out.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 09:41

Grin Nope.

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 30/12/2015 09:41

Mehitabel6 you like to think that you were putting your son first, but in reality you had no concrete way of knowing how things would pan out. Unless you had discussed with your new husband before he became your husband that you would cut out all family members that refused to toe the party line.

Another poster has previously said that it was only when a new sibling was born that they started to notice differences in treatment (obviously), so really you were going in almost as blind as anyone.

merrymouse · 30/12/2015 09:47

Surely he gets a say anyway? I wanted all mine at good state schools- I didn't want private education for them- regardless of who was paying.

You know who gets a say in all of this - the SD's mother who may have vastly different opinions about education compared to the OP. And what about her husband, and any children he may have from a previous relationship?

Is there a never ending chain of half and step siblings who all have to be treated identically - would you maybe have an annual conference (perhaps hire a hall?) to sort it all out?

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2015 09:50

I will have one last word before I stop reading.
He met all the family first- he built up relationships long before we were married or had more children.
Off out so can't read more.
Nooka has a good point.

Debbriana1 · 30/12/2015 09:59

What I find amusing is the exact the people think that ops mother should treat the child like her grand child, which she isn't.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/12/2015 13:33

I better call all my children and tell them I must stop buying their kids their school shoes, silly me thinking wanting to treat them by saving them £50 a pop as a nice gesture because they are young and not in high paid jobs.

Because it's a boundary issue!

bodenbiscuit · 30/12/2015 14:13

I really don't think grandparents paying for school trips or anything else is the issue here. Personally I think it's normal for grandparents to help out, particularly in the current climate.

The context for me is all about how the DSD, on this occasion was treated unequally in her own home. It is all about the specific context of how things are done at the child's home as a previous poster has said.

grannytomine · 30/12/2015 14:13

The Christmas presents were very uneven, if I was visiting someone with presents for their children and there were children I had never met I might take something like OPs DSD got but for a member of the family, which she is, I would have made it more even.

I don't get the issue with DSDs grandparents not giving to OPs children, they aren't part of their family, very different situation in my opinion.

I think the bigger issue is OPs attitude to child which doesn't come across as including her as part of the family. Sorry OP might be different in real life but you sound quite resentful to me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/12/2015 15:00

They have exactly the same relationship to the op's children as the op's mother has to the op's SD

LonestarStateOfMind · 30/12/2015 15:10

Going back to the issue of presents, Dsis has a stepchild, as I was going to see him on Christmas Day I asked her for ideas of what to get him, I have bought for him in the past if I knew I was going to see him on the day. Our mother always buys for him regardless of whether she will see him or not and always acknowledges his birthday and spends the same amount as she would on the other grandchildren. Anyway Dsis told me to just get him a token gift as Bil, the child's father, feels gifts from our family are nice but unnecessary. I take my lead from them.

DownstairsMixUp · 30/12/2015 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 30/12/2015 15:32

I don't get the issue with DSDs grandparents not giving to OPs children, they aren't part of their family, very different situation in my opinion.

But the point is is that parents shouldn't have to also provide things such as savings accounts/money for school trips/etc... when they do it for their grandchildren. She has grandparents already for that and if they can't afford to help then that isn't my parents' responsibility to make up for.

OP posts: