AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

What if we didn't have the financial help from my parents and we couldn't afford to pay for school trips ourselves, but dsd's grandma could afford to pay for her? Slby your logic we should say no because we couldn't ever afford to give the younger 3 the same Opportunity in the future? Would you think it's ok to deprive dsd of that? No, thought not.

You have been telling people off for making assumptions about you so please don't make assumotions about me before you put the question to me.

From your answer you clearly do not think of this girl as part of your family - meaning the family which includes your partner.

In that case I think major ticket items like school trips / school fees are an issue your partner needs to address. He is the common factor here. He needs to consider seriously how he, as the sole common parent of 4 children, is going to square the circle where 1 or 3 of his children potentially is treated very differently from the others.

Yes I do see her as part of the family. But she has different extended family to the other children which potentially means different opportunities. That could be more or it could be less, or could be the same.
If her grandma on her mum's side was well off then dsd wouldn't be stopped from benefitting from that just because her siblings can't have the same. Her mum wouldn't allow that for one and I wouldn't blame her! So i wouldn't stop my children either.
My dad isn't majorly well off, but he's very comfortable. Dsd gets days out with him when the others do and nice birthday and Christmas presents, but he wouldn't offer to pay for her school trips or for a hobby.

Not sure that addresses my point.

Maybe you will be lucky and her maternal grandparents and your parents end up being willing and able to independently give them all the same; or maybe you will have 4 extremely well adjusted children who will, without any rancour, just accept it's the other grandparents who are providing treats rather than their father withholding them.

Or you could, or rather your partner could, find himself the father of a bitter and disillusioned teenager /adult child who thinks his father was happy for her/their sibling (s) to get more than she /they did.

Lass -- serious lack of boundaries there. Parents should be left to their own choices, imo, and should pay for whatever they choose. They are the parents after all. Christmas presents for all is one thing but a school the GPs choose and pay for is another thing altogether.

I agree with you that the father has to do more thinking here than he seems to have done up to now. Perhaps he has chosen the path of least resistance so far and will continue to preside over a situation where his daughter is distinguished from his other children in ways that seem to mean a lot to those doing that, for unfathomable reasons of their own. DP seems to be a go along get along sort of person here, which is fine as long as nobody gets hurt because of his preference for a quiet life.

Also wondering what sort of involvement DP's parents have in the life of the family. How about a situation where DP's parents send gifts for his children, one really nice thoughtful one and the rest clearly not, with DSD given the nice one because she is the oldest and the GPs prefer her mother over you or for some reason wish to impress her mother with their generosity towards her daughter.

Would love to know what the stats are for marriages and relationships coming to grief over differences of opinion among the partners on GP involvement with the grandchildren and the family finances.

Even where children have the same mother and father they can have different opportunities, but where they haven't been taught to measure love by rigidly counting material goods there is a understanding (in most cases) that, for example, circumstances are now different (family has more money), needs are different (perhaps one child very timid or otherwise struggling at state school) or one child has an exceptional talent which requires family sacrifice to nurture. There can sometimes be resentment, but usually not, and usually not long lasting. You are happy for your sibling because them being happy makes you happy, rather than it being you versus them.

Treating everyone equally is not the same as treating everyone fairly because we aren't all the same in our ability to deal with the world. But I fear that families with a step-child are failing to treat their children as the individuals they are with different strengths and weaknesses because of the overriding mantra, 'treat the children equally, treat the children equally'.

I probably wouldn't have got any of them as much, and would have bought them all exactly the same thing, so she feels like she's being treated as part of the family.

It seems best for children that people stay single after their relationship ends to avoid all of this potential hurt to their child, but try telling people to make the sacrifice for their child/ren. Forget it! Most people don't have it in them. Instead they want to control others.

Or you could, or rather your partner could, find himself the father of a bitter and disillusioned teenager /adult child who thinks his father was happy for her/their sibling (s) to get more than she /they did.

Well what if he wasn't happy that dsd was to get more opportunities than her younger siblings because of her mum's side of the family? Should he try put a stop to that because the younger ones wouldn't be getting the same? His ex would tell him no. The same way I would say no to him if he tried to put a stop to our children having those opportunities that dsd's grandparents couldn't give to her. And if he became very arsey about it then I would be seriously rethinking our relationship. At least his ex would be able to say no and that be the end of it.

This thread is weird

Of course your parents should be able to pay for things for their GC if they choose too. Their money their choice. You don't need to justify this to anyone.

Different families do things in different ways and in a step family situation the setup has to be unique to each family to cope with individual circumstances.

It certainly is weird. I totally get that parents and step parents should treat DCs within the family equally but it's ridiculous to insist that the extended family does the same.

Good luck to OP's DH telling his ex and her parents that they have to treat his younger DCs equally to DSD. And spend the same amount on them as on DSD. Or that DSD can't go on a school ski-ing trip, paid for by DM and DGPs because the younger half siblings can't due to finance.

So many people here seem to think it's fine to dictate to people how they spend their money. It isn't.

Math you are arguing for a very fixed idea of what a grandparent should be - grandparents must spend X amount of time with grandchildren, and give X amount of gifts. Too little and Childen are damaged, too much and parents have no pride. Time and money spent must be strictly monitored to ensure that everybody feels that they have been treated the same.

However, as has been pointed out before families are different. Your grandparents might have had 100 grandchildren - doesn't make any difference to how other families run their lives. Plenty of grandparents have one grandchild, plenty of grandparents provide free childcare so that their children can work. Many grandparents help their grandchildren financially (either so they don't go without or just because they can), and many families include children who need more or less support at different times (and sometimes more support for the rest of their lives). Sometimes providing care for grandparents has a direct effect on their grandchildren, and sometimes that will impact more on one set of cousins than another. Sometimes parents do not live together.

All families are different, many will be vastly different to yours and not operate in a way that you (or I) would perceive to be best, yet the members are loved and thrive.

You are making assumptions about the OP based on a tiny scrap of knowledge.

Or you could, or rather your partner could, find himself the father of a bitter and disillusioned teenager /adult child who thinks his father was happy for her/their sibling (s) to get more than she /they did.

Or OP could find herself with bitter younger DCs because DSD got twice as many presents because OP insists on her family treating them all the same when DSD's family don't.

Would love to know what the stats are for marriages and relationships coming to grief over differences of opinion among the partners on GP involvement with the grandchildren and the family finances.

If AIBU is anything to go by, PIL are the number one source of family discord, going nc and being advised to ltb. However, you don't have to be a blended family to argue about the ILs and I suspect that AIBU isn't a completely accurate reflection of real life!

My parents set up an education fund for their grandchildren a long time ago. It has paid to help my nephews and nieces through various schools at different times, and will help my two go to university (we've not used private schools, so no previous calls on the funds). It's not available for my brother's step daughter as she isn't a grandchild. If he adopted her that would be quite different, but she has her own father and grandparents (I'm sure that my brother will support her should she need it).

My parents were similarly helped by their parents, it's more efficient to pass savings down an extra generation (my father was an accountant) and I expect to do the same for my children too. Nothing to do with boundaries or lack of hobbies (weird comment that one!)

I'm not sure what (if any) Christmas present my mother gave my step niece. Hopefully something less odd than her gifts to her cousins!

Speaking as a mother of a blended family there is no way at all that I would have the children's education treated differently. I wouldn't expect grandparents to pay for the step grandchild, but it would mean that we couldn't accept it unless we could afford for my other child to go to the same school.
(Not difficult for me anyway because I prefer state education and would be likely not to accept the offer anyway)

I have 3 equal children and as said before I wouldn't have had more if the entire extended family hadn't seen us a a proper family to start with. In this case the DP doesn't seem to mind so not much can be done.

I don't see the problem if you have 'her' children and 'his' children and leave it at that. The problem comes when you have joint children and they become more equal.
You have to hope that this DSD's mother doesn't have more children and a DP whose family don't want to count her - otherwise she is second best in both. Regardless of the fact she gets presents from both sides- it clearly points out that she doesn't properly belong to either.

nooka Your parents have got it right in my opinion. They shouldn't have to finance their stepgranddaughter through school/college/uni. If her own grandparents can do the same then fantastic, but if they can't then this is where the some children get more than others based on who their extended family is.

If it's allowed to work one way then it should be allowed to work the other way as well. In other words- and I'm using my children and dsd as an example- if dsd is allowed to benefit from her extended family on her mum's side (say they paid for her to go to private school for example) and my children obviously wouldn't have the same, then the same rule should apply if it was my parents/extended family doing that for my children. They shouldn't be expected to pay for private school for dsd as well.

Of course they shouldn't pay but someone has to. How can a man allow 3 of his children to have a private education and one can't? I don't expect OP would be happy for 2 of her own children to have an expensive education and the other one to be excluded- yet DP is expected to!

Dsd starts secondary school soon. When I was at school we went on trips to places like Belgium or Barcelona. I really can't see my dad offering to pay for dsd's trip and it will be DP and his ex who sort that one out. If her grandparents offer to pay towards it then great.

In a few years when mine are at secondary school, we will pay for them to go on the same trip. But I wouldn't be surprised if my dad offered to pay towards it/gave them some spending money/bought them some clothes for their trip. I don't expect him to do any of it though.

I suspect that if OP's mother said she was putting 3names of her grandchildren in a hat and saying that she would pay for the education of the first 2 out OP would turn it down.

That is the point OP you are paying for the same trip . If grandparents pay for education you need to finance the 4 th child to do the same.

I don't expect OP would be happy for 2 of her own children to have an expensive education and the other one to be excluded- yet DP is expected to!

And he'd be expected to happy for dsd to have private education if her mum's family paid for it but the others didn't get the same opportunity. That's what happens when they have different extended families.

nooka that's what I'll be doing for my DC. If you don't mind me asking did they set up a trust fund to do this with appointed trustees?

Op hope you don't mind me derailing this thread slightly to ask the question above! It seems to have gone off in weird directions so maybe a positive one might be good!!

I'm a step child and a step mum. My step sisters got things I didn't and vice versa, c'est la vie. My step daughters got things my children won't and vice versa. As long as everyone is cherished and valued it will work out. Children don't necessarily become bitter and twisted

Grandparents are fine offering to pay for 2 if they know you can pay for the 3rd.

Surely he gets a say anyway? I wanted all mine at good state schools- I didn't want private education for them- regardless of who was paying.