AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well

But surely he should be explaining that actually, his dd would get more than your joint DC as she got a gift from your dm as well as her own grandmother on her mothers side?

Its very very hard op, I wonder if in future you can org giving presents in a different way.

I was at adult gathering and I saw grown up, professional older men slightly embarrassed and put out they had no gifts to open, it is awkward when everyone is opening gifts...too much of a stark comparison situation.

It is very strange indeed.
Grandparents should be able to help their grandchildren out if they want to without always having to factor in their step grandchildren. Before the end of term DS went on a school trip. My dad put the £7.00 in an envelope and said here you go that's for DS's trip. About a week later we got a letter for dsd's trip which dp paid for. It wouldn't even occur to me to expect my dad to pay for dsd's trip just because he paid for DS's. I honestly don't think he would offer though because it's between dp and his ex, and if her grandparents on her mum's side want to help out in the same way then that's lovely.

But surely he should be explaining that actually, his dd would get more than your joint DC as she got a gift from your dm as well as her own grandmother on her mothers side?

I know. She knows that and she knows she's lucky.

Being 'lucky' with presents doesn't necessarily compensate for not living with both your parents though.

I've said it several times it doesn't compensate.
I've also said its not up to my mum (or my dad come to think of it with the school trips, savings account, etc) to have to try and compensate.

I really think there are degrees of step gp - my mum is a step grandparent to 12 and 'full' gm to my 3. She was stepmum to my 3 older half siblings as dad was married before. She always had a good relationship with my older siblings and she hosted my dad's first wife, my step sister and my half siblings as we were growing up. Dad died shortly before his 3rd gc was born and so he hasn't had the chance to meet the 13 that followed, mum has had a grandmotherly relationship on some level with most of them though. She lives close to some of the sgc and bakes birthday cakes and buys them presents, has more contact with them than my kids her only blood grandchildren, simply cos we live 100s of miles away. There is a good relationship with me and dad's first wife as well and I will visit her when in town visiting my mum.

Family is about building relationships, and that relationship requires proximity and frequent contact, familiarity, otherwise the only bond is duty. So my mum's relationship with my children is less familiar than with some of her sgc, due to circumstances, where we live etc. That is not something I over analyse or I would be demanding my mum baked cakes for my kids and posted them every birthday, I am really happy that we are in a big complex family that enjoys the time we get together and doesn't foster petty resentments as that attitude is reflected in the way my kids feel about the many aunties uncles and cousins they have and they love them without discrimination on levels of blood relationship.

The ops mum is not in a pivotal position 're her sgc - she hasn't built up a familiar relationship with the sgc she is part of the extended family but not an active grandparent so it sounds like the present was a token recognition, that could have been more thoughtfully chosen, but not wrong per se.

It's quite normal and sensible to build a relationship with the adult take your time doing so and be very cautious about introducing the children into that.

Completely agree, and I'd also say that giving somebody presents is easy.

True family are there when things aren't pretty - when teenagers are not just rude and whiny but taking drugs and going off the rails, when there is no money left and helping out means that you share in the hardship, when providing care (for relatives of any age) means that your own hopes and plans are put aside.

Of course many step parents and step grandparents provide this support, but it's an awful lot easier to claim somebody as 'just like your own' than live the reality.

The thing that is clear to me is that the child whose parents split up and meet other partners is always an outsider. A sad situation if everyone doesn't make an effort to stop this happening.

I don't agree with you at all LookingForward, as I said pages back, as a SGP I don't think it's okay to spend more on my biological GC than my SGC. I had to fight hard not to do so but if I couldn't have helped finance a school trip for all of them, I couldn't have done it for one of them. I took them all on holiday several times, in the UK because that was affordable for all 4 of them.
However you wrap it up, I could never justify treating one child differently to the others, regardless of how many other GPs they might have.

So your method which however well intentioned could mean your own GC don't get their school trip or school shoes or what ever it is that you as a grandparent decide you want to do becuase you couldn't afford it for all but your SGC would get it becuase their GP only have to fund it for their own GC with no expectation from anybody that they even consider your GC who chances are, are not even on their radar.

Or

You do say,the school trips (given that school trips are not an unusual thing for GP's to treat the GC's to) then the actual GP's don't get the opportunity to treat their own GC because you already have and chances are they feel a bit miffed by this.

I don't know about you but I'm a GP I like treating my GC, it's fun, I like baby sitting them I like buying stuff for them and I do my best to make sure I don't step on the other granny's toes by doing something she wants to do. It would be bloody impossible if you added in a potential two other granny's.

The thing that is clear to me is that the child whose parents split up and meet other partners is always an outsider. A sad situation if everyone doesn't make an effort to stop this happening

A far less emotive way of looking at this and possibly more accurate is its not the child who is an outsider IME the vast majority of the time it is the unrelated adults who are outsiders.

If it is actually the child who is an outsider then the parent of that child is doing something very wrong because it is their job to parent as equally as possible it is not the job of everybody else.

"buying their first pair of shoes, their first bike, offering to pay for a big school trip, opening savings accounts for them, paying for them to do a hobby, taking them on holiday, etc etc... It isn't fair to expect them to do these things for their step grandchildren as well."

Grandparents do all of this? Are they expected to do this? Do they insist on doing this of their own accord?
How come? They got their chance to be parents already.

NeedsAsockamnesty it's been six years at least since the OP's mother has known of the child's existence, which is 3/5ths of the child's life. I am all for building up relationships gradually and avoiding full blast at full speed, etc., but six years in, a child and the grandmother of her half siblings should not be such strangers nobody should be posting 'my mum doesn't really know her'.

For her part, the OP is the mother of the child's half siblings, so actually she and the child are not as unrelated as she insists they are. Even by the cut and dried standard by which the OP and her mother seem to conduct their family relationships, failure to get to know this child is a puzzling element of all of this. Failure to consider the child and her father as a unit makes me wonder what sort of father the DP is.

Some grandparents see their grandchildren a handful of times a year. Some grandparents pay for school trips and shoes because otherwise they would go without. Some grandparents live with their grandchildren. Families are not all the same. Why would that be puzzling?

mathan that comment was prompted by which ever PP it was slating the op for not describing the SD as her family sooner.because the op said something along the lines of we were not a family until she because the mother of a half sibling.

But if you think if it with regard to grandparents how about the SD's actual GP's on her other parents side, they are quite likely to never ever even meet/talk to any of the step/half siblings in their GC's other house.

But that's ok right because it's only the SC who has to "be treated equally" it's only the SC who has to be fully included in all of the family by sheer virtue of being a step/half sibling

Merrymouse, It is puzzling because the OP makes it clear that she thinks all grandparents are forking over money left, right and centre for their grandchildren's expenses:
Are grandparents not allowed to do anything for their grandchildren without also considering their step grandchildren, who have their own set of grandparents? -- presumably all falling over themselves to pay for their grandchildren's expenses, 'treat' them, etc. This doesn't happen in any universe I am familiar with.

Sockamnesty, the OP says she and DP are not married, which makes her what is colloquially known as a common law wife. There are no legal rights associated with her relationship with her DP. She considers herself and DP and their children to be a family all the same even though in the eyes of the law this is not the case. Her views on what does and does not constitute a family are askew in more ways than one.

It is only the DSD whose parent lives with the OP. The OP's own children have no reason whatsoever to have anything to do with the mother of their half sister or the DSD's mother's parents because they are living with both biological parents. It is precisely because the DSD has a father present in the household who is also father to the other two children there that DSD needs to be treated equally. Otherwise the OP's mother draws lines between children of the same father. The father should not consent to that. He is father to all the children and therefore they are equal.

Her views on what does and does not constitute a family are askew in more ways than one.

So you aren't a family now unless you are married! Ridiculous statement imo. and completely untrue

Grandparents do all of this? Are they expected to do this? Do they insist on doing this of their own accord?

Yes some do. Why is that so hard to believe?

How come? They got their chance to be parents already.

Because they want to!

Does anyone say "common law marriage " these days?

I thought the penny had dropped that in England and Wales it never meant anything and in Scotland it had a very specific (and now obsolete ) meaning (which no one outside the legal profession ever got right)

So far as legal familial obligations it makes no difference for rights and responsibilities of the 2 parents vis-a-vis the children that they are not married.

Having said all that as most of us seem to agree no amount of presents will make up for not living with her father it would have been more considerate when the step daughter was there to keep the presents equal even if extra presents were handed over to the OP out of sight. There was no need to hand over the cash presents in front of her.

Grandparents do all of this? Are they expected to do this? Do they insist on doing this of their own accord?
How come? They got their chance to be parents already.

Yes they do. No they aren't expected to do it. Yes they insist on doing it of their own accord.
How come? Because they want to! Shock horror.

, It is puzzling because the OP makes it clear that she thinks all grandparents are forking over money left, right and centre for their grandchildren's expenses

Left right and centre? No not really.

presumably all falling over themselves to pay for their grandchildren's expenses, 'treat' them, etc. This doesn't happen in any universe I am familiar with.

So just because you've never heard of grandparents helping out wrt their grandchildren it doesn't happen? Ok then.
I never said grandparents "fall over themselves". My dad certainly doesn't fall over himself, but he actually likes to sometimes. And I certainly don't expect him to!

Most of the families I know have multitudes of grandchildren (on my dad's side there were over fifty grandchildren) and most of their children would rather bite off their right arm than suffer that degree of involvement in their lives by grandparents, who as noted have already had their bite of the cherry.

Most of the parents I know have more self respect than to allow that level of financial 'support', which they would rightly see as evidence that the grandparents need a hobby, and everyone in families like that needs a greater sense of boundaries.

OP what would you do if there is something like a school trip which your partner can't afford to pay for his daughter (and her mother and maternal grandparents can't either) but a couple of years later the same trip is available for 1 of your 3 who can go but only with financial help from your parents?

Would you and your partner allow them to pay for a treat which he could not give to his eldest child?

Math I know some one whose step grandparents paid school fees for her whole school life because when her mother married their son they wanted any children of their son to go to this particular school, which meant their step grandchild and any "blood" grandchildren which might be born.

These grandparents picked up school fees for a step grandchild before they even had any "blood" gcs. Her mother and their son divorced but the grandparents continued to pay the fees for all the children.

Lass
What if we didn't have the financial help from my parents and we couldn't afford to pay for school trips ourselves, but dsd's grandma could afford to pay for her? Slby your logic we should say no because we couldn't ever afford to give the younger 3 the same Opportunity in the future? Would you think it's ok to deprive dsd of that? No, thought not.
Why shouldn't I let my children benefit from their grandparent like that though? dsd's trips are between DP and his ex, and our children's are between me and him. If my parents want their grandchild to have that opportunity then I'm not going to stop that from happening. It's what happens when children have different extended families- they have different opportunities.

And then what if we were to split up? Should my children go through their school life never doing anything because a few years back dsd didn't get to do it? (She's been on all school trips by the way so this is all hypothetical)

Most of the parents I know have more self respect than to allow that level of financial 'support', which they would rightly see as evidence that the grandparents need a hobby, and everyone in families like that needs a greater sense of boundaries.

Nothing like generalisations and looking down on people because others do things differently

My DParents paid for all sorts of stuff for some of my nieces and nephews because my DBrother had to leave his marriage with virtually nothing but what they were standing in and the DC needed clothing etc.

According to you he needed 'more self respect'!

I think every step family is different and you have to make your own rules.

In our home the children are all expected to be treated the same. So if Grandparents etc want to do different presents or special treats for one child or for all, but one child then they do it elsewhere. I expect MIL to treat all 5 children the same in our home so she'd have brought the same number of gifts for each. Ds (technically Dss) had a special gift this year from his grandmother, something which is a family tradition at his age in her family, so she gave him it at her house when only he was there. She did send presents for his siblings to be opened when he opened other present froms her on Christmas Day.

I think it's inevitable that children in blended families have a level of being treated slightly differently because of family dynamics, but for me personally it should never happen in the home. that's just my view and I'm lucky that MIL, FIL and other MIL (Dss's grandmother) are in complete agreement and would never allow the children to see them treating one of their siblings differently.

Most of the parents I know have more self respect than to allow that level of financial 'support', which they would rightly see as evidence that the grandparents need a hobby, and everyone in families like that needs a greater sense of boundaries.

hahaha oh you really do sound bitter and miserable math. My dad has plenty of hobbies actually, and now that he's retired early in his 50s he sees his grandchildren loads more. And shock horror he likes to pay for some things for them. And practically he willingly helps out too. He's fab and the kids absolutely adore him. I have plenty of self respect though :)