AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

Wrt the comment 'We know dsd far better than you' :
It is unreasonable to post a comment like that after you have asked random strangers on the internet for their opinions, when you must realise that all anyone has to go on is what you choose to post about a situation, and by anyone I mean those agreeing with you and those disagreeing.

None of the answers to the question 'if everything was hunky dory, why post?' have enlightened me. They just leave me with the feeling that unless someone in the house makes an enormous fuss about something, they will get steamrolled over.

Anyone would be defensive after reading some of the vitriol posted on this thread.

math People such as yourself seem to think they know what every single child is like, hence that comment.

You know me well enough to say 'people such as yourself'?
I don't think so...

That comment was posted without thought by you as a telling off to people who disagreed with your certainty that your mother did not put her foot in it.

If the limited information you chose to post about DSD is good enough for those agreeing with your pov to form opinions on your DSD then it's good enough for those disagreeing too.

Mm hmmm, and some of you are more accurate than others.

After 2 days of posts we are told that OP's father and his partner have a wonderful relationship with DSD, presumably understanding that if you take in a man with a child and then have more children you can't treat 3 of them differently. OP's mother has chosen not to get to know all the family on equal terms- she has chosen to cast one as a visitor that has very little to do with her.
Her choice of course, but not the way that I would do it.
OP must have some reservations. If she was entirely confident it would never have crossed her mind to post. She now only likes the posts that agree with her- they have the 'accurate' interpretation!

Mehitabel Like Needs said, sometimes you just want to chat. This is a forum and it is what a forum is designed for. Whether I was confident or not I still would have posted to see what other people's thoughts are.

I'm not actually bothered that people disagree with me about my mum. I like it when people disagree because it adds to the discussion and makes it more interesting. It gives people a chance to voice their views on subjects like this and gives food for thought on both sides. Just because you have a different opinion to me, it doesn't necessarily mean you will change my opinion (which you haven't) and vice versa. What baffles me though is when strangers think they know more about your life than you do yourself and project come up with all sorts of assumptions. The people that have shared my opinions have listened to what I have said hence their views being more accurate, rather than making silly assumptions based on a huge chip.

Wow Op - you must feel great that you found some kindred spirits on this thread, good for you! Now you can go back to your family (3 + 1 other) feeling fully justified and that anyone who disagrees with you has a "huge chip".

I think your most telling statement has been "DS1 started our family. Before he was born I lived with a man who I loved and he had a child. That was it. He had responsibilities and commitments and I didn't. I didn't think oh how lovely I have a ready made family. When DS was born I became a family person and therefore committed more to DSD". So you didn't recognise DSD as being part of your family unit, even though you lived with her dad. It's now much clearer why you didn't see a problem with her receiving a lesser present, and I suppose it must have come as a surprise that she questioned it - after all, she's been on the outside looking in for years.

Wow Op - you must feel great that you found some kindred spirits on this thread, good for you! Now you can go back to your family (3 + 1 other) feeling fully justified and that anyone who disagrees with you has a "huge chip

Whereas according to some on here if you don't agree with those that disagree with the OP then you are neglectful, cruel, nasty etc etc etc!

Sorry pressed post too soon.

It is stupid playground stuff.

No one knows how anyone else's family works so to say that others set up is wrong is daft as it may work well with them.

There has been lots of assumptions on this thread about the OP and their life including that 'he father left' which is a fact that no one knows.

It is lazy stereotyping and generalisations.

Apologies for not reading entire thread...

IMO your mum gave her enough. Why would she spend the same amount of time and money buying for a child who is not her GC?

Doesn't DSD have her own GPs to buy presents for her? Should DSD's GPs be expected to buy for OP's children to?

DSD sounds a bit spoilt and ungrateful. She is old enough to understand Xmas is not all about presents. In my family the younger children always got more presents anyway.

Also, she is a visitor to OP's house, she doesn't live there.

I think it's nice your mum got her a token present, she didn't have to. I disagree all children must have equal numbers of gifts, or the notion that Xmas is all about receiving gifts.

As long as DSD is treated with love and warmth and made to feel welcome, the number of gifts is irrelevant. Alternatively, her mum could send some extra gifts with her so she has some more to open (eg send those from DSDs GPs). Or her dad could get her some extras if there will be lots of family from OPs side likely to bring gifts for OP's children.

Expecting the GP to treat her like their own GC is unrealistic and unfair. She isn't their GC, what's the point of pretending?

wine

I have a 3yo and a 2yo whose biological father has a GF that he lives with. She is very nice and all that, but she is sensible enough to know that she is nothing to do with my children and stays very much in the distance.

Something a bit sick and incredibly questionable about someone who starts a relationship with a parent and instantly or far to soon starts acting as if the child is their family.

If the op was a bloke all sorts of danger signs would be being waved around.

It's quite normal and sensible to build a relationship with the adult take your time doing so and be very cautious about introducing the children into that.

If a lone parent posted on here that they were in a fairly new relationship and wanted to rush the potential SC introductions she would get her are handed to her on a plate!

Here we go again...

I did say that they were a family the two of them, but that our family as it is today didn't begin until DS1 was born. Prior to him being born I lived with DP and he had a daughter- that was it. I wasn't his wife and I wasn't dsd's stepmum. I didn't become family to either of them until DS1 was born because the day he was born I became the mother of one of DP's children, and I also gave birth to dsd's brother. I became a mum and a family person and only then did I commit to dsd more.

she's been on the outside looking in for years No, she hasn't.

I'm still not his wife by the way (don't want get married!) but I'm his long term partner!

Shock horror sensible adult does not want to ride roughshod over the feelings of a unrelated small child by forcing them to be their family member to soon

I have one ds, and dp has 3 dc. We've been together 2 years.

This Xmas, dp's parents spent equal amounts on all 4 dc. They did not make my ds feel left out in in any way, despite him not being their biological grandchild.

You cannot punish children for the way their family is set up, it isn't their fault. I bet your dp's dd felt left out and alienated from her siblings, poor girl.

All children should be treated equally!

All children should be treated equally

So does your ds father parents buy your partners children presents if all should be treated equally.

I bet your dp's dd felt left out and alienated from her siblings

Not really.

I'm part of a blended family, and tbh I do give the non-blood 'see them once in a blue moon' dc's less than I do my blood relatives.

My blood relatives get spoiled a bit, because I love them and I know what they like, while the other kids get token presents, but those kids will get spoiled by their own blood relatives (and in some cases their parents won't even bother with token presents for my side!)

Quiet bravo to OP for keeping things in proportion, listening to responses and thinking about them. Most OPs have flounced or at least ranted back by this point.

I don't agree with your conclusions. Personally I thought you'd handled it quite well in the first place. Deliberately avoiding DSD and your DM getting together at Christmas is not the way to improve their relationship or make her feel part of the family. I'd go the other way if anything, try to do family visits when she's around more not less, if DSD is up for that. Understandable if what she really wants is some alone time with her dad though. She's probably not actually in the market for a new grandparent after all.

Are grandparents not allowed to do anything for their grandchildren without also considering their step grandchildren, who have their own set of grandparents?

Things such as buying their first pair of shoes, their first bike, offering to pay for a big school trip, opening savings accounts for them, paying for them to do a hobby, taking them on holiday, etc etc... It isn't fair to expect them to do these things for their step grandchildren as well.

cat I actually think we handled it well in the first place too. This thread has made me see that.

I don't agree with you at all LookingForward, as I said pages back, as a SGP I don't think it's okay to spend more on my biological GC than my SGC. I had to fight hard not to do so but if I couldn't have helped finance a school trip for all of them, I couldn't have done it for one of them. I took them all on holiday several times, in the UK because that was affordable for all 4 of them.
However you wrap it up, I could never justify treating one child differently to the others, regardless of how many other GPs they might have.

This thread is quite frankly strange. Maybe it's an MN thing but I know of no families in RL that SGP that SGC exactly the same as own GC and nor are they expected to.

My DC will soon have a SM and I certainly don't expect her parents to.

I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to buy my exs new baby with her presents nor her children.

*sorry for typos but you get the idea.