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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 19:12

Thank you Flat :)
I like to think I am!

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 19:42

Someone was so hellbent on making points on that thread that they linked to this thread. It was about two stepsisters opening presents at dad's house and one getting a MacBook and the other a MacBook case. Got a bit derailed over 11 year olds getting MacBooks

I linked to this thread on that one, because of a poster using it to make a point on that thread and describing the situation as child being humiliated and Christmas being really crappy because of grandmother and when I asked her if she meant this thread where the SD got a little cross because she got a token gift from someone who is not her grandmother and hardly knows her she claimed that this thread said nothing of the sort!

mathanxiety · 28/12/2015 19:43

this is not actually that big of a deal compared to what some stepchildren go through is it?

That's like saying 'children in Africa are starving, so eat your spinach'. In other words, it is meaningless and irrelevant.

Adults should not show a child how they feel if how they feel is not love or connection, when the child is in the same house at the same time as her half siblings to whom it is being shown that the adult feels love and connection. Your reasoning would be fine if your mother was dealing with another adult, but the person at the centre of this is only ten and the other (favoured) children are her half siblings. The way you can tell that she is not ready for the slicing and dicing the adults here are insisting she is ready for is that she complained about her token gift. To her credit, she behaved admirably once spoken to by her father.

Your mother drew lines where none were needed, between the DSD and her half siblings, because she put her own feelings before the feelings of everyone else, and she put the child's father in a very difficult position. He had to choose right there on the spot between his wife's mother's feelings or his own daughter's feelings, with all parties witnessing his choice. Your mum owes him an apology.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 19:49

perhaps she behaved admirably after because she thought, well actually that's a fair point this almost stranger is not my grandparent but she is xyz's grandparent, God I shouldn't have had a minor temper tantrum.

I know all bar one of my kids would have felt that way after an appropreate explanation. The one that wouldn't would have set fire to the Christmas tree and only let the interloper (GP) have coffee flavered quality streets.in his defence he does have very significant and volatile learning disabilities 4 of the others have LD's but don't express in a volatile way

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 20:06

Math like I said, dsd complained for minutes tops. That's because she didn't understand at first. Children just see presents and they get caught up in the moment and go for it. Once DP had taken her to one side and explained to her why she didn't get as many presents, she was fine and was happy. She and my mum spoke and enjoyed each other's company. She behaved admirably because that's who she is, and you aren't giving her enough credit. She dealt with it amazingly just like other 10 year olds have the ability to. Very mature and we were so proud of her attitude.

Once again assumptions being made. My DP was NOT put on the spot and didn't have to choose between his wife's mum and his daughter. Don't be so over dramatic. He was confident about his actions and I have since spoken to him one to one about it and he says my mum did nothing wrong. No apology necessary. And please dont call him "wet" or a "shit dad" for not standing up for his daughter. Believe me, if there was something worth standing up for her for he would do it.

We know dsd far better than you.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/12/2015 20:13

So why did you post?

You seemed all het up abut it in your OP. Apparently it was over almost before it began, everyone was all smiles, nobody's feelings were hurt, and it really wasn't worth three paragraphs and two sentences.

Kacie123 · 28/12/2015 20:15

Ok - but since there was no problem whatsoever and everything was glowingly fine, it brings us back to the question of why you'd start a thread about it .... Hmm

Kacie123 · 28/12/2015 20:16

X-post, sorry!

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 20:19

OP wanted a straight opinion.
Not the bones picked out of every comment she makes or out of turn assumptions made about her life by people that no nothing about her.
That is why this thread has so many comments.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 20:19

Because I wanted to see what other people thought as it did play on my mind for the rest of the day. I did feel bad for her but at the same time I knew my mum had done nothing wrong due to the relationship between them. This thread has confirmed to me that dsd was not hard done by because of my mum and that it was a life lesson, which I hadn't thought of it that way before starting this thread. I guess I just wanted some reassurance but at the same time the discussion with people of opposing views has been interesting. Perhaps AIBU was the wrong place. Apologies.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 20:21

Kacie Why do you have to be so snippy? Chill out.

OP posts:
Creiddylad · 28/12/2015 20:25

My mother does not give the same to DSS as she does to my children. My PIL do not give the same to my kids as DSS. None of the kids expect them to be treated the same, they know the different relationships in the family.

So you are not being unreasonable.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 20:34

I once started a thread about my entire under carrage feeling like it was in fire and wanting to sit in a bucket of cold water and AIBU to think always shouldn't secretly add stupid stuff to their sanitary pads that do things like that to people's undercarrage. To this day I'm still pretty sure that my opinions on that are the correct ones sometimes it's nice to have a chat about things

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 20:37

sometimes it's nice to have a chat about things

Exactly why I posted.

OP posts:
wiltingfast · 28/12/2015 20:40

Hmm, tbh I think all children in the house should be treated similarly; sounds like a pile of presents, fail really to see why your Mum couldn't give "her own" a little bit less so they could all have the same?

Why set out to mark your DPs child as separate and different?

She's 10. Seems harsh. I think you could all be a bit more sensitive to it. It's not nice to be treated differently. She's living as part of your family after all.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2015 20:48

A chat with yourself in front of a mirror might have been shorter and less trouble for you, if all you wanted was reassurance that you are right about everything.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 20:59

Give over mathan this place would be very boring if we didn't occasionally have interesting discussions and when it's quite a mix between some thinking it was ur and some not there is no expectation or that the thing itself wasn't an issue but the timing was that the op has to change her mind

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 21:00

That makes no sense! Sorry my cat has learnt how to cut and paste

Stickerrocks · 28/12/2015 21:01

Adults are autonomous human beings. You cannot force them to have feelings for another person, simply because of other people's relationships. There may be 101 reasons why the OP's mum doesn't see her DSD very often and, quite frankly, they are not anyone else's business.

I was given "colouring things" for Christmas, along with several other family members. They were lovely presents, much appreciated by all involved. If someone had given me a kitchen bin (as someone I know received) that would have been a crappy present.

There are a whole host of replies on here, some agreeing with OP and some not. If you thought she was BU, you can't say that she shouldn't have posted simply because she has decided to run with those of us who says she was NBU. The whole point of AIBU is to give you food for thought, not to change your mind in every case.

The 10 going on 11 year olds that I know seem to be completely capable of working out who is related to who and getting to grips with the concept that different people have different connections. Someone came to our house last week and gave me a lovely Christmas hamper and absolutely diddly squat anyone else who happened to be there at the time. My DC doesn't need counselling as a result.

OP as I originally said many pages ago, YANBU. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 21:04

A chat with yourself in front of a mirror might have been shorter and less trouble for you, if all you wanted was reassurance that you are right about everything.

Ooooo did you mean to be so rude?! Wink

Get over it. I posted the thread. We had a discussion. The world has not ended.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 21:16

I got socks second youngest DS stole them and is currently wearing them in his bed

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 21:23

Thank you sticker and same to you! I have sinus toothache though due to having a cold so I'm currently feeling a bit sorry for my poor little self :(

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 28/12/2015 21:30

Needa you can have the fluffy ones we have here. They are currently moulting all over the carpet and I hate hovering up sock fluff.

Stickerrocks · 28/12/2015 21:30

Hoovering not hovering.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 21:33

It's fluffy ones he's stolen!

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