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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
catkind · 28/12/2015 18:07

Step GPs in our family are lovely people and get on very well with our DCs but they're not their GPs and no one expects them to pretend to be. Now that's DH's step parents not kids' step-parents' parents, but that's a similar relationship isn't it? No-one expects step-GP to give the DC grandparent type presents even if we are together with their own grandkids, who we also get on well with. One gives token charity shop gifts, the other leaves it to the actual GP.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:12

I dont think your mum is wrong. She sounds like a generous nanny. As you say she does not really know your partners daughter so in buying her a gift she was very kind. Even it it was not as much as the others.
Im sure your partners daughter had lots of presents from her other side of the family.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 18:13

I can't see where the grandmother was coming from. When her DD met DP did she just pretend they were a couple without a child? When her DD gave birth did she pretend this was the first baby in the family and airbrush out the older sister? I don't understand how you can manage not to count a child who was there first.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/12/2015 18:17

you don't count her as one of your children (slightly odd to describe your family as "you have 3 children, your DP 1 plus the 3 with you" - why not say we have 4 children, one is my DSD)

I agree that was an odd way of putting it. Your version is more inclusive (and clearer.I started off thinking there 7 children)

Kacie123 · 28/12/2015 18:17

Adults make a much bigger deal about these things than children I think.

Because adults have seen the long-term impact of hurtful behaviour, poor relationships, and instability.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:22

BighairyBollocks
Perhaps the partners daughter lives with her mother and the OPs mother not always at the house when this child visits. Not abnormal.

merrymouse · 28/12/2015 18:22

She was probably coming from the point of view that this child already had 2 grandmothers and didn't need a new one - any more than she needed a new mummy.

You are making huge, unjustified assumptions that this child does not feel loved by her own family.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:25

mehit

Why would she need to pretend they were as couple without a child? They were a couple where the unrelated member happened to already have a child.mas to when they had their first child together why would she have to airbrush anything out? The resulting child was her first grandchild from that couple.

lass I know plenty of parents who would get the rage and plenty of children who would by a step parent describing their child as their own.

The fact that the child we are all talking about is a step child is directly relevant to the thread the op was merely being factual,some people prefer that, she used the exact same language to describe her own children.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:27

Because adults have seen the long-term impact of hurtful behaviour, poor relationships, and instability

And many adults who have had famtastic relationships with their step children and still do, do not think the op or her mother did anything wrong

SenecaFalls · 28/12/2015 18:29

Adults make a much bigger deal about these things than children I think.

I thought that the child being upset was why we were here in the first place.

I think the poster who made the point about making her feel like a visitor is right. This is one of the most difficult aspects of being a step-child, feeling like a visitor. When I became a step-parent, I was determined to try my best not to have my step-children feel like visitors in our home. That obviously had to involve how other people in my family treated them. Happily, my parents and step-parents accepted them from the beginning and did not make differences in how they treated them relative to their blood grandchildren. But if they had tried to treat them differently, I would have intervened and insisted that under my roof these children are not visitors and no one will treat them as such.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/12/2015 18:29

But there is nothing factually incorrect in the statement "we have 4 children, one is my DSD)"

The family unit for her husband is a wife and 4 children.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:30

OP people are picking the bones out of this thread and making assumptions. Ignore them. You know you are good to DSD. Plus as mentioned your mum hardly sees this girl. She kindly gave a gift to a child she barely knows. End of.
I understand this as i have a DS who goes to his dads EOW plus one night in week. Ex has partner and the have child together. My ds barely sees his dads partners parents. As my ds lives with me. People on here love to dig and make assumption when they know nothing about your life.

merrymouse · 28/12/2015 18:31

I also don't think a new family that includes step children necessarily needs the MIL to be regularly present when they are finding their feet.

Might work in some families, but there are certainly many where it wouldn't.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 18:31

Because adults have seen the long-term impact of hurtful behaviour, poor relationships, and instability.

Except this is not actually that big of a deal compared to what some stepchildren go through is it? Dsd has stability, love, plenty of family and support, fantastic relationships with people and this is a one off event. My mum didn't get dsd a couple of presents and will most likely not see her at Christmas again. She got some presents from her, it was explained to her why not as many as her siblings and has been her happy self since.

Adults on here, myself included, are making this in to a big deal.

It's a cliche but children are more resilient than you give them credit for.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:32

well its a wee bit icky

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 18:36

OP people are picking the bones out of this thread and making assumptions. Ignore them.

I know. People assume dsd is an outsider when she's really not.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:36

op one of the earlier posters on this thread was on another thread last night referring to this one and described, let me just make sure I'm remembering the words correctly,
Your Christmas being ruined or really crappy as a direct result of this and your SC being humiliated by grandmother.

Out of Interest did any of that happen? And for clarity how long was your DsD acting ungrateful for?

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 18:43

When her DD met DP did she just pretend they were a couple without a child? When her DD gave birth did she pretend this was the first baby in the family and airbrush out the older sister? I don't understand how you can manage not to count a child who was there first.

Well when your daughter gives birth to her first child, that is kind of a big deal. No she didn't pretend dsd didn't exist not at all, but it was my first baby and her first grandchild. Why shouldn't we have enjoyed that time for the first time just like Dp's ex and her mum would have done?
DS1 started our family. Before he was born I lived with a man who I loved and he had a child. That was it. He had responsibilities and commitments and I didn't. I didn't think oh how lovely I have a ready made family. When DS was born I became a family person and therefore committed more to dsd.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 18:46

Needs I am confused. That wasn't me who said that. My Christmas was definitely not ruined and dsd was not humiliated by my mum. She was talking to her and being nice to her, not ignoring her and being nasty.

Dsd was probably acting ungrateful for minutes tops. DP took her to one side and explained the situation and she was fine.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:55

I know it wasn't you. It's just a very good demonstration of how people can imagine all sorts of things that didn't happen.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 18:56

And when I say ds1 started our family I mean the family unit that we are today.

I know that DP and dsd were a family before they met me. But I wasn't part of that family until DS1 was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 19:00

Ah right. Yeah I know what you mean. Several assumptions have been made on this thread. One being that I don't care about dsd, which couldn't be more wrong seeing as I have seen her grow from a toddler to a pre-teen and we are very close as a result.

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 28/12/2015 19:03

Someone was so hellbent on making points on that thread that they linked to this thread. It was about two stepsisters opening presents at dad's house and one getting a MacBook and the other a MacBook case. Got a bit derailed over 11 year olds getting MacBooks.

I'm off this thread. Not flouncing, but have to go pick up my three young granddaughters who have decided they want to make Hogmanay presents for a friend visiting from Scotland. So we are making shortbread. Their idea. I am not a cook. It will not be pretty. And will probably taste like crap with American butter.

Oh, perhaps I should mention: I do not share DNA with any of them. Bye, y'all.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 19:07

OP ignore this lot.
I posted on here the other day and according to some they know exactly how I live, how I think, how I feel etc etc. its ridiculous.
I get totally your situation as my ds has a step mum and half sister as mentioned up post. Again your mum did nothing wrong and you sound like you are doing a great job.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 19:11

Seneca my dad doesn't share DNA with dsd either and neither does his partner, and they have a wonderful relationship with her. I'm not disputing that you can't have a great relationship with and you can't love someone who isn't related by blood. My point is that not everyone does feel that way, especially when they never see them.

Enjoy making your crappy shortbread Grin. Toodles.

OP posts:
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