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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:38

She doesn't have to love her. But the right thing would have been not to make her feel it.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:39

It is quite clear that she doesn't want to be involved ,NeedsasockAmnesty - she doesn't see her as an equal member of the family- just an add on. ( despite the fact that she must have been very young when she met her)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:39

I don't think I have ever met a 10yo who was not able to understand that occasionally grandparents like to make a bit of a fuss over their grandchildren and who is their grandparent and who is not.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:40

But why would a child actually think someone who is practically a stranger loves them in the first place anyway? dsd doesn't love my mum that's for sure.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:41

MN isn't the place to ask AIBU if you clearly think you are not and just want agreement!

chillycurtains · 28/12/2015 17:41

No, she got plenty but it's possibly just because colouring things at aged 10 are not a brilliant present tbf. Also if I was your DM I might have been inclinded to give the £30 to your 3 DCs at a point when your DSD was not around. A 10 year old would be thrilled with moment and not colouring and a 2 year old would not appreciate the money so that may have been hard for her to see.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:42

If your mother got involved and spent time with her then DSD might love her! You can love people who are not related!

chillycurtains · 28/12/2015 17:42
  • money not moment
merrymouse · 28/12/2015 17:43

she doesn't see her as an equal member of the family- just an add on. ( despite the fact that she must have been very young when she met her)

No that is not clear, it is in your head. I expect this thread has gone on far longer than the step daughter's reaction to her presents from her step mother's mother.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:44

Why would you want to be a stranger to your grandchildren's sister? Confused

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:44

MN isn't the place to ask AIBU if you clearly think you are not and just want agreement!

Actually I accepted half way through the thread that we went about it in the wrong way. I have ummed and ahhed about what we should have done and I have come to the conclusion that we should have explained beforehand.

OP posts:
Wineandrosesagain · 28/12/2015 17:44

OP why did you post here? I honestly don't know why you asked for opinions because you haven't changed your own views one iota. Your opening post gave me the impression that you a) thought it was fine that your DSD got less than her siblings, b) it's a 'valuable life lesson' for her, c) she's pretty ungrateful actually and d) you don't count her as one of your children (slightly odd to describe your family as "you have 3 children, your DP 1 plus the 3 with you" - why not say we have 4 children, one is my DSD). My initial impression was that you didn't really class DSD as one of the family, despite the fact that she has been in your life since she was very young, and you have a serious lack of understanding/empathy re how a child perceives fairness. If some members of the extended family such as your DM don't know your DSD (after all these years, that's very odd) then you and her father need to be on the alert for situations where she will feel 'less' and address that by using tact, empathy and kindness. But you really don't agree do you? I think I will stop reading this thread now, as I feel quite sad for the child, and I don't believe you have any understanding of why so many posters disagree with you.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:45

No that is not clear, it is in your head. I expect this thread has gone on far longer than the step daughter's reaction to her presents from her step mother's mother.

Adults make a much bigger deal about these things than children I think.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:45

I think we will have to agree to differ.
It isn't something that I would do to siblings if they were together when they opened them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:47

It is quite clear that she doesn't want to be involved ,NeedsasockAmnesty - she doesn't see her as an equal member of the family- just an add on. ( despite the fact that she must have been very young when she met her)

She does not have to see her as an equal member of her own family, because she is not. It sounds quite like the op is from one of those families who percieve those members who are married to them and household children as immediate family and everybody else as extended. Her mother in essence is a extended family member who she only sees 10 times ish a year.

Unless of course you have moved on to attempting to imply the op does not see the child as a member of her own family that would be quite odd going by the things the op has posted. The op is clearly very hands on with the step child and the op's mother's feelings towards the SC have no relevance to the op's feelings they are different people in different situations. The op and her H chose this situation for their own household they can not and did not chose it for extended family members.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:48

I am pleased to have someone on the same wavelength Wineandrosesagain - summed up beautifully.
I shall stop reading too as I am very sad for the child.

merrymouse · 28/12/2015 17:50

If your mother got involved and spent time with her then DSD might love her! You can love people who are not related!

Assuming school, friends, extra curricular activities, visits to her own 2 sets of grandparents, her stepmother's father, possibly her step father's parents and presumably other relatives and family friends, is it really likely that the step daughter wants to spend weekends travelling to visit her step mother's mother too? This really doesn't sound like a child that lacks loving relatives.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:52

Adults are responsible for their relationship with a child, not the other way around.

LittleBeautyBelle · 28/12/2015 17:52

I have to say I agree with Wineandroses. OP, you seem to have no feeling whatsoever for this little girl. Please tell us we're wrong, give us some kind of indication that you care for your stepdaughter, she's only ten and you've known her since she was tiny! These little slights to her that you shrug off will stay with her always, can't you understand that? "Shrugging" your shoulders with a casual "It's a good life lesson for her" with, she has to understand that she's not an equal part of the family sometime type attitude, that is cruel in my book.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:54

Merrymouse I really don't understand your logic. Everyone can be hurt by the actions of another, whether or not they have other loving relatives/ friends. Doesn't make it ok Hmm

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:56

Of course I care about her! But I really don't think this is the end of the world like people are making it out to be, and I can't expect my mum to start seeing her as equal to her grandchildren.

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:56

I agree LBB. I think the OP doesn't want to raise it with her mother which I understand - how awkward but still the child needs protecting.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:56

They are indeed. But they don't need to form full or close relationships with children who in reality are nothing to do with them.

Yes it's wonderful when it's natural and it happens but it is not bad or evil when it does not.

merrymouse · 28/12/2015 18:02

My point was that while the OP's daughter might have been put out by receiving fewer presents, that doesn't mean she wants a new grandmother.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 18:03

have to say I agree with Wineandroses. OP, you seem to have no feeling whatsoever for this little girl. Please tell us we're wrong, give us some kind of indication that you care for your stepdaughter, she's only ten and you've known her since she was tiny! These little slights to her that you shrug off will stay with her always, can't you understand that? "Shrugging" your shoulders with a casual "It's a good life lesson for her" with, she has to understand that she's not an equal part of the family sometime type attitude, that is cruel in my book

Where has the op given any indication that the SC is any less a member of her own family or that she has no feelings for her?

If she was talking about her own child and not flowering it up with expressions of devotion nobody would even bat an eyelid.

the op is not talking about how she percieves her relationship with the child she is talking about her own mother

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