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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 28/12/2015 16:13

I haven't read the thread but if the grandmother knew the children would open their gifts together and given the daughter is only 10, it was mean to have her open fewer gifts.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 16:25

I have no idea how anyone can possibly try to argue that this was a good life lesson for her. Some people must seriously be lacking in empathy to take that position :(

thebestfurchinchilla · 28/12/2015 16:35

YANBU. It was kind of your DM to buy a gift at all for your DP's child. I presume that his DD will get more presents from his mother and MIL. Perhaps in future it might be less obvious if you arrange to meet or visit your DM without the other child, say when she visits her grandparents, and swap presents then .I guess this is a modern family dilemma.

green18 · 28/12/2015 16:42

YANBU. The dad is 10/11 which is old enough to understand that she has different grandparents. Old enough to have had a quick word with her before presents were given out. Reminding her that she will get presents that the others won't get from her own grandparents. As the OP says, those are the facts and you can't deny them. If the children were toddlers it would be completely different as they are not old enough to understand.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:16

green That's probably what we should have done beforehand- had a word and explained to her then she would have been aware before the presents were given out.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 28/12/2015 17:17

The lesson is that presents from people you barely know have no bearing on how much you are valued by the people who do know you.

Also, that blended families include people with different relationships that may not include you, but that is ok and does not mean that you are less loved.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:19

I just don't agree, sorry. Children are not able to rationalise things the ways adults do.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:21

But you may well feel less loved when your 3 siblings are the ones to live with your father full time when you can't, and are then seen by some as his 'real' family when you are just an extra ' visitor'.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:22

She's 10, nearly 11 boden. She starts secondary school next year. I'm sure children that age have the ability to rationalise.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:27

But all 4 children are his real family. I'm not saying she isn't as much family to him as her siblings. And dsd has a grandma on both sides just like my children do, as well as all of the other family members that love her. It's just that my mum doesn't see her in the same way that they do. Not everyone is going to love her the same way as her relatives do.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:28

If children are unable to rationalise what the reality of a blended family is then why the fuck are we so keen on having blended families

merrymouse · 28/12/2015 17:29

mehitabel, If that is really an issue for the OP's step daughter (and you are making an assumption that it is) better to discuss it openly than pretend the situation can be changed by an extra present from someone she hardly knows.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:29

If children are unable to rationalise what the reality of a blended family is then why the fuck are we so keen on having blended families

Very good point!

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:31

'She starts secondary school next year' so what? I have a 12 year old and I would expect her to be hurt by a situation like this. Even a 17 year old hasn't matured emotionally enough to act like an adult. It's very unreasonable to expect a nearly 11 year old to think like an adult IMO.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:32

merrymouse
Exactly, I said up thread that no amount of presents from my mum are going to make up for that fact that she doesn't see her dad every day. It's not my mum's responsibility to fill that gap with presents.

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:33

If your mum doesn't love her as much then it's one thing to feel it but quite another to show it...

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:33

If OP was entirely confident then she wouldn't have asked the question.
We are not all going to agree. Some will, some won't.
I don't- however I am in the minority so don't see that it matters.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:34

I get the impression the OP was expecting most people to say DSD is a brat.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:35

I will agree that it is better to discuss the fact that she is not seen as ' a full' member of the family.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:35

I expect she does not love her at all boden she hardly knows her and she is not related to her in any way.

She does not have to love her

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:35

Well when they start secondary school they aren't little children anymore?
And seriously, a 17 year old isn't mature enough to understand? Do they automatically start understanding on their 18th birthday then?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 17:36

I am grandmother age and couldn't do it to a child. I would make a huge effort to have a relationship with my DC's step child and my grandchildren's sister.

mrsjskelton · 28/12/2015 17:36

Your mum didn't have to buy her anything and did so I don't think YABU at all!

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 17:37

No they don't...but they certainly don't at 10.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 17:37

I get the impression the OP was expecting most people to say DSD is a brat.

I said up thread I wasn't expecting that to happen. She wasn't a brat and I never said she was. And even if I did want those respnses(?which I didn't), MN isn't really the place to ask if your stepchild is a brat is it?

OP posts:
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