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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:56

Anyone can make a child feel bad. And if it's someone invited into the family home then that's just not on IMO.

Pangurban1 · 27/12/2015 15:03

Somebody said it could be construed as 'sneaky' for the op's mother to give the presents separately. If that is the case, was it also sneaky of the girls mom to give her a laptop separately? Should all the presents have been opened at the same time on Christmas day and all siblings received the same things from each person?

AnUtterIdiot · 27/12/2015 15:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 15:57

My thoughts exactly AnUtter.

Dsd isn't missing out on anything because like you say she has her maternal grandma on her mum's side to receive gifts from. So it's all equal really.

OP posts:
ColdWhiteWinePlease · 27/12/2015 16:08

Nah, I would have treated them the same. She's not a 2nd class citizen!

SenecaFalls · 27/12/2015 16:09

Children live much more in the moment than adults do and applying adult reasoning to the situation is not going to allay the hurt a child feels in being treated differently. OP, you have several times mentioned that your dad's family treats her as a full member of the family. That is admirable and as it should be, but that experience will highlight to her how different things are with your mother. Your mother's treatment of her will feel like rejection.

LivingInTheShadows · 27/12/2015 16:14

Could the upset be because the other 3 DC are the DSD's father's other DC and they live with their father full time whereas the DSD only see's her father EOW. I think DSD is entitled to be treated equally to her siblings while she is there which is not often. I don't think this is anything to do with her non-relationship with her stepmother's mother at all. She see's her younger siblings getting more than her when they already have more than her - her father.

I doubt a 10 year old would spend time totting up how many presents she got from all the many different sides of her families - she will only see the equality that takes place in front of her. She cannot rationalise as an adult can.

Awful situation for the child to be in and totally in the control of the adults around her. Poor kid.

The fact that her own father cannot see it and stand up for her is disgraceful, as he probably did not want to upset his new wife.

A child of selfish, divorced parents lot in life unfortunately.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 16:42

I don't think this is anything to do with her non-relationship with her stepmother's mother at all. She see's her younger siblings getting more than her when they already have more than her - her father.

Oh do give it a rest. Presents from my mum who she doesn't know aren't going to make up for the fact that she doesn't see her dad everyday! It'll take a bit more than that and it isn't my mum's responsibility to fill that space with presentsHmm She has a gran on her mother's side who she is very close to and my children have my mum who they are semi close to. She received presents from her gran on her mum's side and my children received presents from their gran on their mum's side as well. And dsd also received a few presents off my mum as well as her own gran. So dsd hasn't lost out materialistically.
It has a lot to do with the lack of relationship why my mum didn't get her as many presents actually. She bought her something to open but obviously didn't want to spend a lot on a child she barely knows. Plus as I said in my OP she is aware that dsd has a whole other family on her mum's side.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 16:45

And yes it is in control of the adults around her. Which is why next year we will see my mum when dsd isn't here. That's the best I can do.

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 27/12/2015 16:47

My oldest DS married a woman with 3 children, and I happily became their SGP. They then had a baby boy and although I desperately wanted to treat my new GS I didn't spend any more than I could afford to spend on all 4 of the children. It wasn't the older SGCs fault that they were not my DSs biological children, he married their DM. I always spent the same amount on all 4 children for the 5 yrs they were married, even though that was hard at times. (It wasn't like I was wealthy and could spend loads on everyone!)
I was a step child, and lived in a family with half, step and full siblings. Everyone knew exactly who they belonged to and what their worth was. I was never going to put any child in that position.
In your DMs place I would have spent less on everyone so they all got the same amount, whether the adults thought it fair or not, it would have appeared fair to the children.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 16:55

Gently telling a 10-year-old that they aren't as important - I am boggling at that concept.

How, precisely, would one do that, I wonder? And who could look into the face of a child and say "they are more important than you".

AnUtterIdiot · 27/12/2015 17:19

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SenecaFalls · 27/12/2015 17:29

It all depends on the person, I suppose. My step-son told me at my mother's funeral that she was always his favorite grandparent. It's not just about blood relationships, although it does seem to come down to that for many posters on this thread.

AnUtterIdiot · 27/12/2015 17:36

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peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 17:37

And yes it is in control of the adults around her. Which is why next year we will see my mum when dsd isn't here. That's the best I can do.

Oh Jesus, Jesus....

AnUtterIdiot · 27/12/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 17:42

Jesus left an amazing example. However people have remained blind and deaf. Love each another! How difficult is that? SadSadSad
God bless the ones who find love in their hearts and souls to share with fostered adopted children.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 17:49

I just cannot imagine how one could tell a 10-year-old child that they are less important than their step-siblings - I can't envision any way of doing that, any form of words, that isn't going to hurt them, AnUtter.

And I would rather be too careful of a child's feelings than not careful enough.

SenecaFalls · 27/12/2015 17:52

Of course, you can't force the relationship. But you can say how things will be handled under your own roof with your own children.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 17:52

Generalised love for humankind is not the same as the love you have for close friends and relatives. It devalues the real bonds that people have to pretend that they are all equivalent.

More importantly this is not a fostered or an adopted child and it is offensive and just blatantly wrong to suggest that they are the same.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 17:53

I would go for the generosity of Christmas sprit and not make it clear that the half siblings are the 'proper family' and the 4th child isn't as equal.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 17:57

My children are definitely the same merrrymouse - luckily DH's family have always treated us as a family of 5 and not one of 4, with one having nothing to do with them! They are siblings. Luckily they just all got extra grandparents that way.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 18:01

SDT

It goes a bit like this. "(Insert name of child) you know that x and x are your grandparents, well x is xyz's grandparent" it really is that simple

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 18:10

Oh Jesus, Jesus....

You can despair all you like. Smile

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 27/12/2015 18:17

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