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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:17

Yes of course. I have values and believe that children are sent from God. That is why when my minded children and my own one go to the shop, i do not tell them that i wont get them what they have chosen because they are not blood related to me, but treat every child equally and respectfully.

Shutthatdoor · 27/12/2015 18:21

luckily DH's family have always treated us as a family of 5 and not one of 4, with one having nothing to do with them! They are siblings. Luckily they just all got extra grandparents that way.

How have they all got extra grandparents Hmm

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 18:24

So, every time your children go to the shop you get them whatever they like? I probably read that wrong.

OP posts:
peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:25

yes, all of the siblings have 1 pair extra grandparents. what is wrong with that?

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:28

LookingForwardto2016
yes, dear. Every time i am with the other two children, and we pop in the off licence, i get them what they want.
I wont die after buying 3 lollipops instead of 1, would i?

Shutthatdoor · 27/12/2015 18:29

yes, all of the siblings have 1 pair extra grandparents. what is wrong with that?

The OPs children that she has with DH do not have any extra grandparents!

DixieNormas · 27/12/2015 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Funinthesun15 · 27/12/2015 18:31

Every time i am with the other two children, and we pop in the off licence, i get them what they want.

A bit different getting them a lollypop to saying when you go to the shop you by them all whatever they want which is what you actually said.

Of course people would buy them all a lollypop and you are taking it to the extreme to suggest otherwise imo

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:31

OP parents, her husband parents, the other girl's mum's parents.
IF ALL ALIVE OF COURSE!

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 18:32
  1. Why are you popping into the off licence when you are child minding?
  2. it's a bit of a jump from equivalent lollipops to equivalent Christmas presents.
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 18:34

No not at all Grin I do the same when dsd is with us. I'm not my mum so if you think I actually go to the shop and buy my children something and not dsd when she is with us then you are sadly mistaken.

I was more surprised at the fact that you buy all of them something every time you go to the shop. Do you ever actually say no?

OP posts:
peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:35

We are talking about family values, and respect. NOT materialism and selfishness. Understand it however you like.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 18:36

The OPs children that she has with DH do not have any extra grandparents!

That's what I was thinking too!

OP posts:
peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:41
  1. Why are you popping into the off licence when you are child minding? Because I must collect the children from school, and get something to make dinner after the parents have contacted me that there will be not enough of that and that....
  2. it's a bit of a jump from equivalent lollipops to equivalent Christmas presents. It is different, yes. Nobody has ever mentioned to buy Apple PC for a 10 yrs old, but to be treated with respect, and according to their personality.
peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 18:43

*The OPs children that she has with DH do not have any extra grandparents!

That's what I was thinking too!*

If i am the mother of that girl, I would make sure your children always have presents from my side.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 18:46

As I am of grandmother age I can't imagine DC having a child with someone with a child already and then pretending that my blood grandchild is the eldest- there is already a step grandchild to get to know and love and then make sure that they are not jealous, the way that you do with the elder child.
( My children all had extra grandparents- they all had my parents, DH's parents and DH1's parents. )

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 18:48

I suppose it is different in OP's case but I can't see why it is different for her mum- she has 4 grandchildren in the family.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 27/12/2015 18:48

If i am the mother of that girl, I would make sure your children always have presents from my side

You might but that would be very very rare.

I can't imagine the parents of an ex buying the children of you and new partner presents..

In fact I know of many blended families and can't think of any that do this!

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 18:57

I've never heard of that happening before. Whatever works for you.

OP posts:
Pangurban1 · 27/12/2015 19:03

My grandchildren, you said when your son married a woman with 3 children and they then had one between that you always spent the same amount on all 4 children for the 5 yrs they were married.

What happened after the 5 years? Did you suddenly cease to give your grandson's siblings the equivalent presents you had been giving after the relationship ended (presume it did, the way you said it)? Or did you suddenly cease giving them presents completely?

Apathyisthenewblah · 27/12/2015 19:15

OPs mum doesn't have 4 grandchildren though. She has her 3 grandchildren and a stepGD she barely sees. I honestly do not see why people cannot comprehend the difference in a relationship where you see children often and develop a bond with them and where you don't.
We never see DSCs on Xmas day as their mother will not allow it (fair enough) so we do Xmas again on Boxing Day with my DM and Dpils in law. DSCs get presents from me and my mother as well as from their DGPs and assorted aunts and uncles. As both DD and my DSCs have in effect 2 Xmas days no one really knows who got what and they just get on with opening presents and having a good time.
DSC are younger than 10 and while they have a friendly relationship with my mum she is much closer to DD as her only DGD who she sees weekly. My DSCs have 4 grandparents of their own so view my DM as a bonus adult. You can be part of a family without forcing specific relationships on people.

SenecaFalls · 27/12/2015 19:15

I still give presents to my son's former step-son. We don't drop them off the grandchild list just because their parent and step-parent got divorced.

And actually this son to whom I refer is my step-son. So this child whom we consider a grandchild is the former step-child of my step-child.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 19:30

I suppose it is whatever works for you. As the grandmother I simply couldn't treat them differently- but then I would have made a huge effort to make my own relationship with the step grandchild.

mygrandchildrenrock · 27/12/2015 19:39

Pangurban Initially we carried on giving each child the same amount, but over the years we didn't see some of the SGC, gifts were still sent at birthdays and Christmas but 2 of them are adults now and sadly not in contact. The younger SGC and my biological GC still get the same amount but we see my younger GC more frequently so he gets treats then, same as any GC I imagine when they are actually with their grandparents.
My step GC are still my GC and I think of them fondly, even if we don't see them much. I may not be explaining this very well. My ex dil has another child to another man and whenever I pick up/drop off my GC I always give her a gift/some money for her little one. My GC talk about their sister and I like to hear about her, even though I will never be her GP.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 19:45

it can be nice when people do that (in some circumstances it's not ) but you cannot make people feel something they do not and do not have to.

Nothing wrong with have the no limits to family type approach but there is also nothing wrong with not doing so.

Providing the actual parent and step parent (the ones who made the decision to join their family) deal with all valid approaches decently sensitively and in an age appropriate way nobody needs to have hurt feelings. And dealing with it should never include anything even close to "you are not allowed to be generous to you GC unless you are prepared to be equally generous to this other child"
There are better ways to deal with it