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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 27/12/2015 13:57

you are being needlessly snarky with your comments about functional homes

No, I honestly think that many people are projecting their own family difficulties onto the OP.

I value true relationships over mawkish pretend relationships measured in presents. Luckily the Op's step daughter seems to be genuinely valued and loved by many adults. That may not be the case for every poster on this thread, but that has nothing to do with the op or her step daughter.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 13:59

Autumn, this is not the childs father or the step mother doing anything lesser, unless you are extrapolating from this thread they the dad did not get his child equal gifts?

This is a extended family member who is not related to the child and does not know her

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 27/12/2015 13:59

I can't get worked up about this tbh OP and I don't think you or your mum WBU. If she rarely sees DSD, why would she buy her the same gift as she buys her GC who I guess she does see? I'm not a step-child, but I used to get more or less some xmasses from our GPs than my siblings. It never bothered me and I never went looking for 'the rest'. Also, my sister used to get a lot more from our aunt and uncle because they are a lot closer to her and see her a lot more. It was totally fine.

There's something a bit horrible about children feeling they need to count their presents and make sure they get at least the same as everyone else even when the gifts are from someone they don't know very well. It's not really in the spirit of things IMHO, but I appreciate not all families are the same.

counthedays · 27/12/2015 14:03

I find much of this thread so sad and upsetting. I've been a step child for 35 years. There have been many ups and downs in those years but the one thing which has always been consistent is that my parent and my step parent treated all the children in the family exactly the same. I know that was hard, and I know that at times they each resented it but as adults it's one thing we all appreciate more than anything in the world. We each know who our full siblings are, we are closer to our fulls than our steps but ultimately we are a family and when push comes to shove we are all there for one another. I know that's because, however my parent and step parent felt at times they knew it was the right thing to do. Our other parents didn't have an issue with it, we accepted that the others got gifts, holidays and grandparents but in our house, within closed doors we were equal and an adult I feel truly blessed to these 2 wonderful step siblings in my life. They're no blood relation to me, I've very little in common with them and we would probably never choose each other as friends but we were thrown together because of our parents and they are 2 of the most important and special people I know and that's completely because both of our parents made it so.

At times I don't adore my step parent, our relationship isn't always easy but I can never ever fault them for not treating is totally equally

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:03

I would say that it's not in the spirit of things to give a lesser gift to one child, particularly when you know they will be opened at the same time as the other children's gifts, just because that child is not a blood relative.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 14:04

Fwiw, if one of my kids came home from other parents complaining that their other parents partners parents brought them a gift but it was not the same amount of gifts as their own grandchildren got I would be responding with " of course it wouldn't be sweetie, grand parents like to get extra special things for their grandchildren just like your grandparents do with you, how lovely that they got you a gift"

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 14:06

Needs You would actually be doing your child a big favour reacting like that, rather than making it in to a huge deal and putting it in their head that they are less important.

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:08

The fact of the matter is that the DSD felt aggrieved. It's not for other adults to decide that she had no right to feel that way. She's 10 years old and it's a sensitive situation.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 14:13

I know looking I have lots of children ranging from over 21's to 2yo. Have been a step mum to 9 SDC (I was married a few times) have good relationships with all my children and the mothers of my SC and the SC themselves, ive been seperated from the father of 4 SC for over 4 years and one of his children lives with me.

Every single one of the kids have at one time commented to me about how much they value the importance I placed on their own original family and how much easier it made everything for them all.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 14:14

"Ok but again that's not for me to demand is it?"

I would look at it as asking that my mum didn't hurt my stepdaughter's feelings and make her feel like a rejected outsider.

If she was physically hurting your stepdaughter, you'd have no problem 'demanding' that she stopped, would you, Looking? Why is emotional hurt any different?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 14:15

No boden it's only a sensitive situation if the adults involved make it one by not age appropreatly explaning family dynamics and differences to the children.

IMO that was the only mistake the op's DH made

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 27/12/2015 14:21

I would say that it's not in the spirit of things to give a lesser gift to one child, particularly when you know they will be opened at the same time as the other children's gifts, just because that child is not a blood relative

Which "one child"? Do you just mean DCs and DSCs or all children? Classmates? What?

If my family took this attitude and got their knickers in a twist about all children getting 'the same' at Xmas I think everyone would end up with a card and £20 note from me I'm afraid!

minipie · 27/12/2015 14:23

Not read whole thread.

Seems like the key to this scenario is talking in advance.

So you call up your DM and say "how many presents have you got for DC and DSD, as if it's fewer for DSD I will bring along some presents from her GPs on DPs side to even it up"

Easy to say with hindsight I suppose...

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:26

Don't be disingenuous Monty - you know what I'm saying. If I was going to be giving four children Christmas presents that they would all open at the same time, and particularly if they all live together as part of the same family there is no way I would make one of them feel like the odd one out. I agree with SDT.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 14:29

You think that not getting some pyjamas and a toy from your stepmother's mother is the equivalent of child abuse?

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 14:30

SDT if she physically hurt her that would be intentional so of course I would tell her.

But she's not emotionally abusing her either. She didn't go out of her way to hurt her emotionally or else she would have got her zero presents. It wasn't her intentions to upset her and imo my mum did a nice a thing for her. So no I won't pull her up on it. The onus is on us to make sure dsd doesn't get upset again.

OP posts:
MontyYouTerribleCunt · 27/12/2015 14:31

boden your last post makes sense. Don't think it makes the OP's mum U, more that the presents should have been given separately, though as the OP says, she can't win really as it would look sneaky of DSD found out.

Apologies if I offended you, though I'm rarely disingenuous, your previous post was strangely worded to me is all and I couldn't understand what you meant. You said "not a blood relative". Could have meant anyone really.

flashheartscanoe · 27/12/2015 14:32

I was a stepchild with half siblings from the age of 5.
Their dad and his family got them more than they got me but I knew I had presents from my own dad and granny- that they didn't have. It's just how life is and it was totally fine.

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:34

Merry mouse - the open disparity would make any child feel wronged. I can't believe some people seem not to be able to empathise with this.

My youngest child has a different father from my older two girls who see their father regularly (the youngest doesn't see her dad). At the times where I've gone to an event for one of our older children with my ex DH, and I've had to take dd3 along with me, my ex h treats her the same as the other girls by buying her an ice cream or giving her sweets as well as them. Does he know her well? No. Does he have a relationship with her? No. But he treats her the same in those situations because it's called being a decent human being.

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:36

Merry - I'm not offended but the whole thread is about a blended family so I'm not sure what you meant by classmates? I felt the context was established but perhaps not...

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 27/12/2015 14:38

Well boden I wasn't clear what you meant which is why I said I wasn't clear what you meant. See? Not disingenuous! Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 14:40

What is a tad worrying is that you needed it explained to you why such obviously different gifts would make your stepdaughter feel excluded and as if she matters less - and your mum clearly doesn't realise this either.

I honestly cannot imagine giving gifts to a group of children, and deliberately giving one of them much less than the others.

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 14:40

I'm sorry I misunderstood you merry.

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 14:48

We do not quite know the history of the last 6 (?) Xmas-es... Maybe the 10 yr old girl, due to not being a blood-related to the OP and her family, never received anything as present from their side, and only was included on the table for Xmas dinner....
Maybe this is the first Xmas when the mother of the OP actually remembered that there was another child in her daughter's home, so gifting colouring stuff and chocolates now looks as an extremely generous act?
Perhaps this girl is constantly reminded about being a second hand child from a broken family, hence we do not need to look through her childish eyes, beliefs and expectations?
Of course I do not know any of the OP's family, and all that could only be my humble opinion.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 14:53

But Boden, the op's step daughter does see her mother - and her own grandparents and the op's father and stepmother (?) and potentially her own stepfather's parents, and presumably other extended family. Her parents are not together but apparently able to co parent amicably.

It would have been better to give presents more sensitively, but the OP's step daughter has not been abandoned by any of the important adults in her life.