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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
fusionconfusion · 27/12/2015 12:13

Don't understand how expecting four children to get roughly the same sort of value of present at the same time when all together in one place is writing off ex/other relatives.

If a particular relative expects to value one child in the family less because of the circumarances/chance that has arisen, simply meet that relative with the children they do value and avoid situations like this. And if that's the case, you don't arrange for the SD to be elsewhere for the comfort of the adult eg make her have Christmas elsewhere next year, but arrange for the adult to make alternative arrangements.

It is never about the stuff, am amazed people think so. It is perfectly fine to give children presents of differing value just not all at once and in a context where it appears that the child getting least really is less valued by that person.

I have seen SM/SD relationships play out with lots of friends to late adulthood. Without exception, the successful healthy loving blended families I know have been fair, kind, reliable, consistent and equal to all children at all times that family have been together, and have been clear and transparent about times there are exceptions to the usual rule. I have many friends with SMs and SDs who are actively involved as equal grandparents etc.

Where relationships have broken down it is nearly always because of the way families divided and excluded certain members based on blood vs marriage ties and were unkind or thoughtless in taking the perspective of CHILDREN less seriously than the comfort of adults.

Everyone can make their own choice. It depends really on what your values are; what matters most to you.

Shutthatdoor · 27/12/2015 12:15

she has to live with the fact her father left

It may not have been her father's 'fault' the marriage ended!

fusionconfusion · 27/12/2015 12:17

*circumstance

All the stuff in the world won't make up for not being treated as an equal member of the family, sorry.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 12:17

Shutthatdoor people just like to jump to conclusions don't they?

For the record, her dad didn't walk out.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 27/12/2015 12:22

Don't understand how expecting four children to get roughly the same sort of value of present at the same time when all together in one place is writing off ex/other relatives.

Except the OP agreed several pages back that it would have been better not to exchange the additional presents in front of her step daughter.

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 12:26

OP - you really don't get it - you are only seeing it from your own point of view. To your 10 year old DSD there is no grand scheme of things - she was made to feel singled out as less important by your mother. It's little things like this that children remember.

If I were in your situation I would expect all the children to be treated equally by everyone. It's basic kindness.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 12:27

It would be "creepy" to treat this child as kindly as you treat the others?

Ok Then

Yes it would be creepy to treat a child who you rarely see and has perfectly good grandparents as though you are their granny.

It has been agreed that the present exchange could have been carried out more tactfully, but to pretend that the OP's mother has the same relationship with her step daughter as her own family would be over stepping boundaries and dysfunctional.

TaliZorah · 27/12/2015 12:27

It wouldn't be creepy. Wtf

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 12:28

In summary:

I don't think my mum was wrong to not buy dsd anything beyond the token gifts she bought her.

What was wrong was the way me and dp handled the situation. If we had done it differently then dsd wouldn't have even needed to know. Just the same as my children don't know when she gets presents off her own mum's maternal family.

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 12:28

Sad.

TaliZorah · 27/12/2015 12:29

OP I agree with you there. You could have given your other kids their extra presents afterwards so your SD didn't know

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 12:31

So, Forward - you don't think your mum's treatment of your stepdaughter would have made her feel like an outsider?

Sure - every 10-year-old can sit and watch their stepsiblings open piles of gifts, whilst they just open a token gift, without feeling at all hurt, left out or upset.

It doesn't matter if it is presents, love, attention, whatever - if you lavish it on 3 children, and begrudge a stingy amount of it for the fourth, just because they are not related to you by blood, you are saying to that child that they matter less than the other children - as clear as if you had said the words.

Your mum did this to your stepdaughter, and you let her.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 12:31

It wouldn't be creepy. Wtf

Absolutely - it's like expecting children to suddenly bond with fake uncles and aunties and kiss random strangers because of some perceived connection.

Yes presents should have been given more tactfully, but expecting everyone to pretend that this woman who her step daughter rarely sees is her grandmother is just plain odd.

fusionconfusion · 27/12/2015 12:33

Fair enough OP.

Kindness is limitless, Merrymouse. It's about giving to make the other person happy, not expecting anything in return. Insisting someone calls someone granny or kisses them when they don't want to might overstep a boundary. General kindness can be shown by anyone to anyone at any time. Have no idea how kindness could be 'creepy' if done openheartedly with good intentions.

nailsathome · 27/12/2015 12:33

If my dps mum made such a clear division between our son and my DD from a previous relationship I'd be fuming! If she was with you for present opening then she should have gotten at least what appeared to be the same. She is a child and should not be a victim of adult family politics.

My ex mil does not buy DS presents because he does not visit her for Christmas, it's that simple.

I also find it very sad that you don't include Dsd as one of your children.

Finola1step · 27/12/2015 12:36

I agree with you OP. You can't expect anyone to buy presents for your dc. It is nice when they do. But in future, maybe it is best to double check what is being given so that you can manage the situation accordingly.

That said, your dsd will one day be old enough to understand that family relationships can be different with different family members. And as a blended family, there will be a range of relationships.

Perhaps this has highlighted that your mum may need to get to know your dsd a bit better.

Shutthatdoor · 27/12/2015 12:39

Shutthatdoor people just like to jump to conclusions don't they?

Yes they do. Angry

VaticanAssassin · 27/12/2015 12:40

I also find it very sad that you don't include Dsd as one of your children.

I have 3 bio DCs and 1 DsS. If I referred to him as one of "my" children, his DM would have my heart on a serving platter!

VaticanAssassin · 27/12/2015 12:44

Just as I would, if I had an XH who's wife referred to my DCs as "her" kids. IYSWIM.
They are my children.
DsS, while I love him, and I have for all the years I've been in his life- he is not my Son.
Hence the 'step' prefix to Mother.

Catsize · 27/12/2015 12:49

OP, this is getting worse, more Hmm and more Shock.

Next, you will be saying that an adopted child could properly be treated differently from a blood relative.

You are not looking at this from her perspective. The presents will say 'you mean less to me than the other children'. Simple.

To suggest you hand them out in some secretive way in her absence leads to your children feeling either superior or mortified (as a pp said).

I think it is hard enough for children who move between family homes, often as older siblings where 'new' families have been formed. So yes, the least they deserve is to be treated like valued and equal individuals by their step-families.

And as for inheritance, your attitude saddens me, but I suspected it would be as you have shown. Shame that I was right.

Conversely, we went out of our way this Christmas to ensure that my brother's partner's son was treated equally. We want him to feel welcome in the family, and part of it. You and your family obviously have different ideas.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 12:50

I also find it very sad that you don't include Dsd as one of your children.

Why? What's sad about it? There are 4 children in the family- 3 are mine and 4 are his.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 12:50

As would the mother of the SD whose currently living in my house (despite the fact I have not clapped eyes on her dad for over 4 years) vatican she's one of my closest friends but would be very cross as would SD

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 12:52

Have no idea how kindness could be 'creepy' if done openheartedly with good intentions.

It has been generally agreed by posters and the op it was wrong to give different presents to the children when they were all present.

Money is however not limitless and the creepiness comes when posters are suggesting that the op's mother should think of her daughter's step daughter as her own grandchild.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 12:52

Next, you will be saying that an adopted child could properly be treated differently from a blood relative

Are you seriously attempting to say that an adopted child is anything at all like a step child?

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 12:53

To suggest you hand them out in some secretive way in her absence leads to your children feeling either superior or mortified (as a pp said).

I can't win then can I? Not that I agree with you that my children will feel superior or mortified. They don't even need to know that they're getting presents at that particular time because dsd isn't there.

OP posts:
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