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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 27/12/2015 10:39

As this has moved away from just Christmas now, please can you tell me what you would expect from the grandparents in this hypothetical situation:

DP has a child in 3 successive relationships. Would you expect the grandparents from relationship 2 to continue to treat DC1 as their own grandchild, even down to giving them an equal inheritance, even though their mutual parent has moved onto relationship 3? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear what you think.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 10:48

Catsize, when you say it's the least they deserve, you make it sound like the whole extended stepfamily owe the children something. Next you'll be saying that they should spend more on the stepchildren in order to overcompensate for their parents splitting up.

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 10:52

It's comparing apples to oranges isn't it? A ten year old child wouldn't be informed of inheritances would they?

4 children are given gifts - 3 get more than the other, the 1 who gets least is the eldest and KNOWS they got less. How you can argue that this is ok is beyond me, truly it is.

throwingpebbles · 27/12/2015 10:53

I have only been with DP a year, and his 2 kids were with their mum for Christmas, but my parents still bought each of the 4 kids equal amounts of gifts

It creates far healthier family dynamics that way. I love how all my family have made sure DPs kids feel part of the family. My sisters budget doesn't stretch far (maternity leave) so she had bought a game for the 4 kids to play together. DP does so much for me and has made me so happy, and his DC mean an awful lot to me and my kids, so I am glad my family all treat them equally (DP doesn't have much family, but his parents have bought a big gift for the 6 of us)

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 10:54

A lot of the posts on this thread read like denial.

The OP's stepdaughter's parents are not together. However she still has two parents who love her and she has not lost any relatives. That is OK.

In this case it seems that the parents are still talking and are perfectly capable of planning Christmas presents together without engaging in a fantasy where the SD has 2 Christmases, each spent in an alternate universe where her other parent doesn't exist.

Pangurban1 · 27/12/2015 10:56

I don't know why people are saying the op's plan for next year is unfair. Where were the laptops dropped around at the op's house for all the siblings? What did the stepdaughter's maternal grandmother get her? And was the same present(s) dropped around at the op's house for the other siblings or did she do what the op plans for next year?

throwingpebbles · 27/12/2015 10:57

Christmas gifts are entirely difference from big things like inheritances fgs

I bought gifts for people's foster kids, step kids, for friends.

TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 11:05

So what about what she got from her mother/other GP's? That happened, presumably in her home with her mum and without any comparisons to be made. Confused

MN is like another world to me sometimes, thank God! No one I know would do such a thing. Seriously, I don't know anyone in my life who would even dream of it, and praise Jesus for that. Actually that's not true, my ex MIL would do it and she would have enjoyed doing it as well. no longer in my life or that of my children though so blessings for that

counthedays · 27/12/2015 11:11

It's actually quite shit to live in 3 places and never quite belong in either, and however we parents try to kid ourselves that it's all lovely etc etc it's quite unsettling and coming in and out of a family for a few days here and there forever brings home that it's not your home, you're a visitor missing out on the every day stuff. Giving different levels of gifts just highlights that difference. Giving the same in your home reaffirms to the child, "you know what, you might not be here all the time but you are as important to US (other step family / mother / other GP's etc totally irrelevant) as your siblings.

counthedays · 27/12/2015 11:11

2 places, sorry, not 3

Stickerrocks · 27/12/2015 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 11:25

I didn't go NC, she did.

That was quite a spiteful thing to say though. [sadface]

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 11:28

I can honestly say that dsd is definitely not hard done by. She is loved by LOTS of people, has 2 stable homes and she is VERY lucky and privileged in terms of opportunities, presents, treats, etc... This one thing with my mum is really not going to scar her for life. I'm not going to go out of my way either to make their relationship one of my priorities going forward. It's just not important and she isn't "missing out" on a grandparent fgs.

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 27/12/2015 11:31

Apologies Tony I genuinely hadn't read the end of your post because I don't usually bother reading all the stuff that people cross out. Sorry.

fusionconfusion · 27/12/2015 11:32

I agree with count.

I was treated like this by SM. The first time I met her she gave my sister, then 6, a huge box of new Barbie dolls and other items. I was 10 and she gave me a selection box.

Throughout my teens she made nil effort with me and more or less cut me off when I went to university. She was absent every time I returned. I never so much as said one mean word to her or slammed one door.

Her mother would give presents to my sister and nothing to me.

We are late thirties now and recently Dad was in hospital. She told my sister when I went for a coffee that she had always been her favourite.

I lived with this indifference, meanness and a sense of never being good enough every weekend for nine years.

Adults need to err on the side of kindness at all times with blended families. It feels horrible to be second best.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 27/12/2015 11:32

Of course she is hard done by, she has to live with the fact her father left and now has a whole new family. One that makes it quite clear she is not the same as them and undeserving of equal gifts. Whereas her half siblings have both parents every day and don't have to continually move between houses.

When she's older she can make decisions for herself re contact, you reap what you sew.

fusionconfusion · 27/12/2015 11:33

And privilege is not stuff, resources, opportunities. It's unconditional love, regard and equality,

Kacie123 · 27/12/2015 11:36

..... Then what was your purpose for starting the thread? Did you expect people to say she's a spoilt brat? Hmm

TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 11:37

Are we on AIBU? Did you ask what others thought? It's not about scars for life - I'm not sure anyone has said that have they? I'm just saying that it wasn't a kind thing to do, it seems unnecessary and likely to hurt a child's feelings - why would anyone choose to do that, it makes no sense to me.

I don't understand this TBH, you, your mum and you OH thought this was all cool and good - so why ask the question? If it was just for self validation then fine, but you might have been better off on the SP boards but if you were truly wondering whether this was ok then you have to be prepared for people to disagree with you. It's the nature of the beast. [ROAR]

counthedays · 27/12/2015 11:39

Whether you like it or not your stop. Daughter is part of your family, that became so when you and your partner started a family together. You should be telling this to your mother and be absolutely clear that you come as a package. By saying that you aren't going to bother to encourage a relationship between your mother and step daughter is immediately saying to
Your SD that she isn't important and is keeping a deliberate divide. It will come and bite you on the bum in the future

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 11:41

"Adults need to err on the side of kindness at all times with blended families. It feels horrible to be second best."

This sums it up, in a nutshell, fusion.

It isn't about the presents themselves - it's about the attitude they represent - they say clearly, to a 10-year-old child 'you matter less than those children over there'.

Why would anyone want to say that to a child? Why would anyone think that is OK?

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 11:55

Whether you like it or not your stop. Daughter is part of your family, that became so when you and your partner started a family together.

The Op is not her Sd's mother and her mother is not her Sd's grandmother.

She has her own mother and grandparents and to suggest otherwise would be really strange and a bit creepy.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 12:00

It's actually quite shit to live in 3 places and never quite belong in either

Except that often it isn't and children feel that they completely belong in both homes, even if parents don't try to rewrite the past and and present a make believe reality that writes out the ex and their relatives.

TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 12:03

It would be "creepy" to treat this child as kindly as you treat the others?

Ok Then.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 12:10

Exactly merrymouse. Like I said before she has 2 stable homes and she does completely belong to both and she absolutely does get plenty of unconditional love.
Just because my mum didn't get her as much presents does NOT mean in the grand scheme of things that she is an outsider and that she is not loved. The side of the family that we are all close to and see a lot are my dad's side, and they treat her exactly the same as the others. Those people on top of DP's family, her mum's side of the family and her mum's partner's side of the family ALL love her and treat her equally. But because my mum didn't act the same as them then the child is now an outsider?

And opportunities/ presents/ holidays/ treats are privileges.

OP posts: