To opt out completely when we have children?

[swansolistice]

I used to like Christmas, but threads here and the huge piles of gifts on Facebook make me feel faintly nauseous. The sheer amount is obscene.

I hate the threads about who has more, who had more spent on them, who had more presents.

I know I'm being a complete Scrooge but semi-seriously, WIBVU to take child(ren) away to a lovely remote cottage in Wales or Scotland or the heart of England and have Christmas there without any of the excess?

Sorry, I missed the post about fertility treatment.

Sansoora I said "luckily" that he found it funny because had he felt jealous, or that his presents weren't as "good" as his friend's, it would have marred Christmas here.

That makes more sense.

We walk a fine line with ds1 these days and have had enormous problems with him lately, so it's lucky for the rest of us that he's having a good day today (or any day tbh)

And from someone who's children went through life finding brick walls to run into I hope your son finds his way soon. Its blooming hard at times eh?

I get exactly what hiddenhome was saying. It was not a dig at you having fertility problems.

Truly I cannot understand someone amidst fertility treatment posting a thread like this. Whingeing about all the things you may be reasonably be expected to partake of if you have children. And claiming not to able to afford a small amount for presents when a future imaginary child is a teenager?

It may be the intention to come across as lighthearted, bit to me just comes across as odd.

oven, it isn't about the fertility treatment as such but I am aware that we do not have any extended family at all, and since the costs of fertility treatment are what they are, plus my age, realistically we will only be able to have one child should it work - unless we have a multiple birth of course.

So these big piles of presents and excited kids is only ever going to be a dream.

That's fine, I wouldn't opt out completely which is where the tongue in cheek part comes in, but it IS always going to be low key. Part of mes relieved, another part is sad. I am not great with Christmas at the best of times TBH. Plus I always end up working!

I'm on nights, and making little sense.

Honestly, the excitement from DC is not tied into the size of the present pile. That is not what they will remember from their Christmases when they were little. Also, what you build into those early Chritmases will live with them into the teenage years. They'll no doubt roll their eyes and pretend it's so dreadfully infra dig but whether it's a sparkly tree at home or a quiet cottage with some twiggy shit then you will have made Christmas for them. Their actual Christmas. How fucking fantastic is that?!

OP, I was brought up that on Christmas Day I got a CD when old enough, before that, a book or picture book.

It's commercial crap if you're not religious, if you're religious then you don't need all stuff. It makes no sense to me. Sadly my family make a big deal,of Christmas now, they caught the bug over the years, or they are just trying to keep up with theJoneses. but I daresay if I had kids, I woukd want to remove them from it too. One gift is fine is you can't face none.

I do love my family but the enforced nature of it means I can't wait to go home. Btw I've also already heard competitive Christmas stories from friends. It's bizarre and the commercial aspect is grim. I'm not anti business or anti profit by any stretch but there's a weird atmosphere round this time of year.

Ps the happiest family I know has a one gift, £5 rule for the children because they pick up on the madness and often get overwhelmed.

Are you sure you want them? You sounds very joyless and have nothing to support them with. If you're can't afford gifts once a year then how do you plan to feed, clothe and pay for school stuff and childcare?

Do what you want OP .

Seeing your childs face light up is a joy of parenthood. Some aspects of Christmas provide that.

I wouldn't miss that for anything personally.

The thing with running away for Christmas is that you would come back. Your child would still see friends back home and inevitably find out about what they did at Christmas.

You could stay home and do your own thing to the same effect.

Christmas really doesn't have to be a big deal, or even a thing at all, if you don't want it to be. Share your values with your child when, hopefully, the time comes. They will 'get' the way you do things at Christmas because it won't differ to the rest of the year. Teach them that material things aren't the be all and end all and they won't expect or even want piles of stuff at Christmas.

You could make presents for each other? My eldest made some shakers using empty water bottles, rice and some sequins for my youngest (9months)- much cheaper than if we'd bought some.

I know some people who do even less. Each to their own. Christmas, if you do want a part of it, CAN just be about love and being together.

This is a good read, about buying second hand...

cookingonabootstrap.com/2015/12/22/christmas-present-shopping-for-23/

I think you'll find, when the time comes for you to have children (and I really hope it does) that you will make things work for you and your family and fuck what everyone else is doing!

It's not the commercial elements, that's for sure. It's not Christmas Jumpers, the latest gadgets or Elf On The Shelf unless you want it to be.

People aren't being very nice about their view about you not being very nice.

Good luck with the fertility treatment.

The problem with your plan is that the build up to Xmas starts mid November with "stuff" and will go on to the end of January with "what did you get?"

I hate it tbh!

I've got 3 children and we have had a fairly low key time so far, small stockings for the older two and nothing for the baby and one present under the tree each. Others have given plenty - but not loads. It is jolly hard to make the day not all about presents.

I think it is a lovely idea OP and you can certainly do it or something along those lines. Children dont see the horror of Facebook in any event

What kind of person are you and your dp? I know, for eg, loads of hippy types who do the winter solstice/home made gift type thing, and their kids are perfectly happy with it as they grew up that way and they hang out with likeminded friends.

Tbh OP I think your post just came across like you wanted to have a little dig at those who've splashed out on presents this year.

Don't waste energy concentrating on how other people do their Christmases. There's always people who spend a fortune (and show off) it doesn't have to get competitive. A friend of ours (On FB) has bought his girlfriend a 10 days exotic holiday for Christmas. I bought DP a pair of trainers! He bought me a book. But there's no need to compare, we're happy with our lot and maybe if we had thousands lying around we'd buy each other a holiday too.

There's a rather lovely thread somewhere about the bizarre things kids asked for this Christmas, a lot of them were after blutac you can get that in poundland! Cheap and cheerful!

All the best for the future with your fertility treatment and you never know, in a few years time you might be sat on Christmas Day with a toddler and half of toys r us in your living room

OP you're not making any sense to me. You're saying you can't afford to give hypothetical children lots of presents so to avoid them feeling left out you'll try to pretend christmas isn't happening at all?

yanbu

except you can do most of it without moving an inch - just stay in, don't have loads of folk over, if anyone, and buy as much as you want to and no more...and stop going on facebook.

I don't do FB so have no idea what other people are doing

We opt out every other year and quietly seethe in between. We don't celebrate on the 25th, don't do Santa, only a few small presents for DD (don't buy for any adults), simple meals with friends and family, no cards etc. i could happily say "fuck it" though.

Out, I hope so :) For some reason, I do find Christmas hard and always have. I think even as a youngster there was a keen sense of it never being what it should be.

Please don't think, because of the above statement I am a dour joyless sort. Normally I'm the opposite but Christmas does bring out the inner grinch in me and I couldn't for the life of me articulate why!

We probably are quite hippyish to be fair, although that should make me a peace and loving sort and to be fair for eleven and a half months of the year I am!

Thank you poocatcher :)

Pam I love that idea in theory, in reality I am shocking at anything crafty and it always looks awful

Autumn, there's a lot I didn't explain in my OP.

Like the fact that I want this child more than the sun, moon and stars, like the fact that I want the child to have a storybook Christmas and summer and autumn and Spring, and the fact I can't give them that, although I want to so very much, and that hurts me in some hidden part of me I'm not very good at articulating.

It's not 'stuff' or lack thereof. It's more the reactions to that stuff, if any, I find wonderful or distasteful depending. A happy excited child is a joy whatever, wherever.

But if you think of the contrast between a snowy cottage with wooden floor and delicious smells of a real tree and piles of presents and new PJs and a lab bounding round and laughing indulgent grandparents and brothers and sisters and gorgeous family meal, it contrasts to a poky terrace with a worn carpet and no dog and a couple of presents.

I just don't want my child to feel shortchanged by me I suppose.

Running away in my head sounds lovely. :)

Now I apologise on this lovely day if I have brought annoyance of irritation to your homes but the hippie in me has bad vibes from the people saying I shouldn't have a child at all. So could you stop. Please?

Not RTFT as about to dragged away to play Monopoly...
YANBU but...
My DC have always loved their stockings: nothing expensive, things like socks which they need anyway, now as they get older things to take as they leave home (a mug, a wooden spoon...), things they'll use (soap, throat sweets) and some chocolate.

Ah, disappointed, let's watch The Grinch together this evening :)

before I go to fucking work!

Your later posts make more sense as you seem to be saying that you do see the joy of it but you don't know if that's something you will ever have.

But what you are not seeing is that very few people get to have it all. I'm not going to make this about me but my family life is very difficult and we get next to none of the usual 'best bits' about having children. I could go on about other stuff but I would sound as if I were making it up! I also realise that there are parents who are dealing with more again.

However, I still want to celebrate Christmas in the best way we can and I really want others to do that too.

Wishing you the very best of luck with your fertility treatment.

Then you make the cottage bit of that come true for you and your future child. That is so doable, it really is.

"I do find Christmas hard and always have. I think even as a youngster there was a keen sense of it never being what it should be."

I totally get what you mean here. I didn't have this feeling as a child, but I do now. My parents died many years ago and we have no family locally, so it is just the three of us. I sort of feel that everyone else is having mor fun than we are. Although, having said that, we are enjoying Christmas this year because last year's Christmas was utterly grim.

I agree, ovenchips. hiddenhome was clearly being tongue in cheek. It's difficult to understand what the OP wanted from this thread, TBH.

I think closer to tripping over one another in a pony terrace and an irate mother whingeing about having to work!

Still dreams are no crime :)