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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:22

Apologies if I can't see it but I can't see in the first posts where you said that you checked she hadn't bought any presents yet? I tried to put it as nicely as I could but actually I have read all 8 pages of the post and I do think YABU in buying for your own child and not your sisters.

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 19:22

And yes to what Only says.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:24

Nice comment Midnight. Smug and sanctimonious and self centred as well.
I have given throught this year a lot of money to various causes. I am not selfish. I like to give quietly and ask nothing in return. In this instance i am asking MN your opinion and not asking for praise. Its not my style. To call me those things is quite frankly very shitty. Would like to know what you do for those in need

OP posts:

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:26

Have you been calling your sister names too? That may possibly explain why she isn't speaking to you.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 23/12/2015 19:26

Onlylovers I think the point is just that most of us give to charity quietly with money we would otherwise spend on ourselves. I know I do. I wouldn't make a big deal about it being someone else's pressie money iyswim and I don't really tell others.

Fwiw OP I think you have meant well and its admirable to donate at Xmas but I do understand your dsis being a bit upset because of the reason in the last sentence.

But don't feel bad. Ultimately you've done a nice thing. I'm sure the hospice are grateful.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 19:29

Do you know what's really (I mean really) "smug, self centred and sanctimonious"

All the pompous finger-wagging posts telling the OP off for not conducting Christmas according to their own personal values....really nasty and spiteful.

Even better, in the rush to judge and feel better about themselves, people are accusing her of things she hasn't actually done.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:29

Elllicam. Calling my sister names? Where has that come from. Another made up thing for other posters to add fuel too. Unbelievable!

OP posts:

quitecrunchy · 23/12/2015 19:31

Sounds totally reasonable to me. My parents are doing the same thing for the adults in the family and everyone's completely fine with it

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:32

I was referring to the fact you had just called midnight's comment smug sanctimonious and self centred and that it was shitty. It seemed a bit over the top. I said (if you read my post) too, as you had just called another poster names.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2015 19:34

I still think it wasn't right to do what you did without agreement from your sister. If she had agreed then fine. But she didn't. You are virtually saying you won't get a present from me. Maybe you should have tried to reach a compromise to spend less and then still give a donation. But it's all just caused bad feeling now between you.

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:35

And while I stand by what I said that it was a really nice gesture you are being unpleasant.

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:35

In this thread

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:35

Ellicam Midnight called me smug sanctimoniou and self centered. I said that was a shitty commenet. Midnight said that NOT me. Jesus Christ. Cant people read. Go back and re read

OP posts:

londonrach · 23/12/2015 19:36

Yabu. (My 2p worth which mntters might not agree with, im sorry im not good with words)

Personally i think the hospice is one of the best charities to support, as someone who has worked in hospices. however you have gone about this the wrong way. Charity is a private thing and should be done in secret or else it becomes about the giver. It should be kept separate from family christmas gifts.

Like you i love my sister and i have had pleasure looking for something to give her this christmas to shown her i love her and care for her. And shes important to me. Each of my family ive done that for and i cant wait to give these presents to my family. Im particularly looking forward to seeing my dads face when he opens his present as its somehing i saw 6 months ago and knew he love it. On top of that im looking forward to seeing what my family has got for me as it showns that i matter to them. I know my parents are buying some saucepans as our second hand ones are burning our hands now and my mum noticed this and is buying our some new as she cares about us. By announcing to your family that you giving no presents and dont want presents you stopping your family showing you that love and care and removing the joy of giving a gift to a loved one. It is far better to give than receive. Ok your family has everything In which case you could limit the budget to £5 for adults. I think you have hurt your sister as you thrown her love and care back at her. Yes she shouldnt have ignored you for 5 weeks but she sounds very hurt. Sorry op if im wrong.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 19:37

Ellicam, in your rush to have a go at OP, you seem to have missed that Midnight made that comment to her first.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:37

Elllicam. I have not said one unpleasant thiing. All i said was that someones comment was shitty. Again go back and re read

OP posts:

xmasseason · 23/12/2015 19:38

Charity is a private thing and should be done in secret or else it becomes about the giver. It should be kept separate from family christmas gifts.

I agree londonrach

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:38

Fair enough, apologies. You are right.

londonrach · 23/12/2015 19:38

This advert sums up half of what im saying. Ignore the fact its from john lewis.... m.youtube.com/watch?v=pSLOnR1s74o

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 19:39

People who think this is 'smug' and 'sanctimonious' dislike being made to acknowledge their materialism for what it is.

They do feel guilty for wanting to give and receive presents rather than give to charity. But they've decided it is someone else's fault for putting them in touch with this guilt. If this person could only be made to collude in the mass greed of Christmas (for the children's sake!), equilibrium would be restored.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:40

Thank you London. Noted

OP posts:

Orda1 · 23/12/2015 19:40

Fucking hell, some of you are spoilt brats.

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 19:42

I hope you and your sister make it up anyway.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 19:43

Forgiven Elllicam

OP posts:

flippinada · 23/12/2015 19:44

I think you're spot on BipBip and this has touched a raw nerve, which explains (but doesn't excuse) some of the comments on here.

As for charity only being ok if it's done in 'x way I deem acceptable', stuff and nonsense. It will still be appreciated by the recipient.

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