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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
xmasseason · 23/12/2015 19:45

It's not about guilt BipBip as there's nothing wrong with exchanging gifts at Christmas, quite the opposite.

ghostyslovesheep · 23/12/2015 19:48

or maybe they do both Hmm

I donate my legs - and my ability to walk pain free for 2 days - to our local hospice by doing a 10K run - people sponsored me (I did not 'donate' money on their behalf) - raised just short of £200

While I agree SIL is being unreasonable by sulking like a brat - I still think giving to charity should be at the givers 'expense' - so I give my leggies, my money, food, time and bottled of booze (local Hospices drinks trolly!)

I do think giving money you would have spent on others and shouting 'look how lovely I am ' at them defeats the object - but I realise I am alone in that Grin

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 19:48

Nothing at all wrong with exchanging gifts at Christmas. People have been saying that OP's giving to charity is 'smug' and 'sanctimonious' in that it may make people feel bad for not giving to charity themselves. I think if others feel bad about themselves for not giving to charity that is not the OP's fault.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 23/12/2015 19:49

Yanbu as you gave plenty of notice. I might've got her kids something small though.

One year my sister and I both separately decided to give our dad oxfam gifts. He was thrilled, he has everything he needs already and is very difficult to buy for. We also chose gifts that would mean something to him eg girls education as he's a teacher and has daughters

flippinada · 23/12/2015 19:54

No there's nothing wrong with exchanging gifts. Personally, I get a lot of joy from giving a gift that I think (hope) the recipient will enjoy and appreciate, and I spend a lot of time choosing presents. And tbh I like receiving gifts as well - I think most people do.

Where it goes wrong is when people think they're entitled to gifts.

Would people be having a go if the OP had said she couldn't afford presents for her extended family and was only buying for her DS?

Some would I think, because there's always someone who, but I suspect that tone of that thread would be very different to this one.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 19:55

*always someone who does

ghostyslovesheep · 23/12/2015 19:55

no but Bip giving to charity surely is about the giver giving something of theirs - not giving money they would have spent anyway - on others

that's the bit that seems a bit hmmm - it's like people asking for sponsorship to do a once in a life time experience ...for charity

I truly think charitable donation should be about YOU giving something YOU value - and not be a statement that requires everyone to comment on!

90sforever · 23/12/2015 19:56

I don't feel guilty Bip. I never donate to charity

midnightsunshine · 23/12/2015 19:56

But it's not 'giving quietly' is it, to use money you'd set aside for family presents then announce it to them! And apparently expected them not to mind. How would your son have felt if you'd donated the money for his presents too? Would he have congratulated you on this 'noble' gesture? Or might he have felt unimportant and side-lined?

Why didn't you donate SOME of the money to charity and buy (smaller) gifts with the rest. That way you need not have made a song and dance out of it. You need not have offended anyone or told anyone you'd donated it to charity.

You pleased yourself, and implied your sister/nieces/nephews are not worthy of the time and effort it takes to choose gifts.

You felt your charity of choice and desire to donate to it was more important than family tradition. This is the message they're getting from you.

Instead of donating money intended for other people, you could have asked for donations as presents, or asked for money instead of presents, and donated that. Or sold all the presents you and son received and donated the money to charity. That would have been noble. Giving up other people's presents isn't noble or generous at all!

Giving to charity isn't entirely altruistic. You get a rush of pleasure from giving, from knowing you are helping those in need. You had that rush of pleasure and warmth from your donation, at other people's expense.

So your family recieve nothing from you this Christmas, while you had the pleasure of donating their gift money to charity.

redgoat · 23/12/2015 19:59

As someone whose mum was cared for by a hospice, I think you have done a lovely thing.

I think your sister isn't showing herself in the best light.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/12/2015 20:00

Yanbu.

Tbh even if you had said please don't buy us a gift as we will not be doing that this year then set fire to your own money afterwards you would still not be being unreasonable.

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 20:01

Wow, people don't get this. The OP has given her own money. She does not owe her sister some sort of annual tithe or subscription fee for continuing to be related to her.

Her sister is essentially saying, 'you owe me £X amount worth of goods because my annual Christmas bill for being your sister is due. You have defaulted on your payment. I am no longer your sister.'

hiddenhome2 · 23/12/2015 20:02

Your sister's being ridiculous. Nobody is entitled to presents. It's not going to ruin her or her family's xmas if they don't receive a few lousy gifts and the money goes to the hospice instead. She needs to get over herself.

All xmas seems to be about is grabbiness and spending money on unwanted clutter and tat Hmm

90sforever · 23/12/2015 20:02

That's not what she's saying Bip. You don't get it

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 20:03

Bully for you, 90s. Others don't feel guilty for not buying people presents. They get a lot less sympathy on this thread!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/12/2015 20:04

It pretty much is 90's. The op's sister can continue what ever traditions of expectations she wishes in some her own household she does not get to do so in others

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 23/12/2015 20:05

Wow, there's a lot of grabby entitled comments on this thread Shock

Op, what you did was wonderful and it's no surprise that most of your family get it. Flowers

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 20:06

I guess I don't get it. I have never felt insulted/offended/enraged to the point of not speaking to someone because they deviated from 'family tradition' by spending their money how they chose.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 23/12/2015 20:08

Yanbu OP. I'm gobsmacked at the comments on this thread

flippinada · 23/12/2015 20:12

Yep, spot the overgrown spoilt brats.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/12/2015 20:13

Sorry had a cat on my head, I meant in her own and or not of

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:15

So many different opinionS. Life is so short as we all know. Feel sad it has come to this all because i probably never thought it through. Not intending to hurt anyone. But thinking i was doing a good thing. Cant wait for christmas to be over now. Seems its all about what people can get. I was a 1970s kid and life seemed so much more simple back then. It see sems in recent years people have become more materialistic. I dont know anymore. Thank you all for your two penneth worth anyway.

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 20:17

Flowers to you, OP. I reckon she will come round. You have always had a good relationship before, and she will know you meant well. I think it was a lovely thing to do.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:17

Agree with BipBip the sisters feels unhappy about the fact she can't be happy for you to give to charity in this way.

Re *Giving to charity isn't entirely altruistic. You get a rush of pleasure from giving, from knowing you are helping those in need. You had that rush of pleasure and warmth from your donation, at other people's expense.

So your family recieve nothing from you this Christmas, while you had the pleasure of donating their gift money to charity.*

This is so cock-eyed. The family are saving money! They can then choose to donate that money and get the warn fuzzies that are implied to come from that, or to keep it, or to spend it on themselves!

there's nothing wrong with exchanging gifts at Christmas, quite the opposite. There is nothing wrong in exchanging gifts, but there is something wrong in expecting someone to spend their money on a person when they have decided not to do it this year. It's not the OP's relatives who are 'missing out' since their money is intact and they can choose to spend it how they like.

ghostyslovesheep · 23/12/2015 20:19

Don't feel bad - it's done - and your SIL is being very daft

Look the hospice can use the money and it will benefit people

My criticism isn't aimed only at you or really about you - I don't know you and I am sure you are a lovely decent human being xxx - have a lovely Christmas x