Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

Yep sorry YABU. It was a kind generous idea (to give money to the hospice) but poorly executed. It would have been preferable to just give the money yourself, not associated with Christmas. Next best would be to request that instead of you receiving gifts, money is given on your behalf. Doing it the way you have is unilaterally forcing your preferences on a collective / shared group experience. Of course you can do that, your rights with your own money always trump other peoples, but you can't be unhappy that there are natural consequences to your actions. But you and your sister are close, and this is fairly easily remedied. Just explain that realise you executed your (kind) idea in a way that had implications you hadn't thought through, and you are feeling terrible now, which is all true. Good luck.

Flat - absolutely agree you should not ask for "forgiveness" for this.

some of the responses on this thread. Surely a gift is given freely?

if not, we're in that stupid territory of "let's swap £10" which is one of the reasons I find Xmas has got out of hand.

Some of the people in this thread really need to reassess their shitty lives. Op, I think what you've done is lovely and the suggestion you've taken 'their' presents is fucking ridiculous.

this is fairly easily remedied

Phew, what a relief.

Some of the responses on this thread are unreal. Let's face it, most presents we receive at Christmas are just stuff. And kids get far, far too many presents as it is. Christmas has turned into a time for materialistic over-indulgence, with the expectations of the receiving of gifts and people who actually think that it's perfectly acceptable to be upset about not getting a present.

As for children expecting presents, well perhaps they need to be brought up to be a tad less expectant. If they're getting presents from their parents then there is no right to a present from anyone else, and I would simply be explaining to them that auntie x wasn't buying presents this year because she wanted to spend the money on people who are very poorly and who need the care more than the children need yet another toy to throw into the cupboard to be forgotten about by new year.

I've always thought the giving of goats and such like was a bit smug, but actively saying "I'm not buying presents this year and therefore don't expect presents," is entirely reasonable. In fact it's entirely unreasonable to go into a five week strop over it. the op's sister needs to grow up.

wanna "I've always thought the giving of goats and such like was a bit smug,"

now there's something I've never been given for Christmas, bit OTT eh?

This is my favourite so far, a reverse from Queenbeen. I too would have liked to have seen the response!

"Aibu - my sister has been bereaved of some friends over recent years and requested that no one gives her Christmas presents, but in exchange, she won't be giving them either. Instead, she will be making a donation to the local hospice. I think that this is very selfish because Christmas is a tradition to me and I would like her to buy me a present. She did tell us months ago but I'm really annoyed about not receiving a present so I haven't spoken to her in 5 weeks. Aibu?"

And OP has said when she tried to discuss the intent with her sister, the response was 'I hope you don't think i am going to donate to charity too' or words to that effect. Just saying..to all that keep telling OP that the option to nominate a charity of their choice could have been reciprocated. Really, would it have worked?

apologies - Queenbean. I liked your post even though I can't read without my glasses on

Does your sister read MN Flat? It may solve itself if she does..or makes things worse

Ah no I've never had a goat for Christmas either. I suppose my family just aren't altruistic enough. ;).

actually I have a feeling Jerry & Margo gave Tom & Barbara a goat - but whether or not it was an Xmas gift....I think she was called Geraldine?

Re It would have been preferable to just give the money yourself, not associated with Christmas. Maybe the OP could not afford to just £200 to charity, most of us can't afford to do that I would imagine!

Why not tell your sis you've changed your mind and you would like from her whatever she would like and your son whatever her kids would like, then when she writes the name tags and puts to FlatOnTheHill from sis she needs to change it to to sis from sis, and keep the gift and do the same with her kids.

Re and you are feeling terrible now do you feel it was a bad idea OP, or do you think your sister has reacted badly to it for her own reasons?

I think your sister is behaving very badly.

I gave £200 to the hospice. Therefore i cannot afford to backtrack and give gifts. Plus its xmas eve tomorr and i will be at work. Been off sick today.
Italian. Im glad i gave to the hospice. But after reading alot of the comments perhaps i went about it the wrong way. I dont regret it one bit though. I hope some poor soul will benefit in some way or another.

Donating to a hospice is very worthy. However, I see you are donating the money set aside for your family's Christmas presents (not of course your own son). You should be making a sacrifice of your own like doing without new clothes or a holiday if you want to donate. There is nothing noble about what you are doing IMHO. Don't blame your sister for being annoyed. There is no sacrifice on your part.

On a lighter note. A goat for christmas sounds wonderful

There is a sacrifice on OP's part. She is forgoing the presents she would have received and probably enjoyed.

Viviennemar. I have not had a holiday for 2 years for financial reasons. Luckily i will next summer. I am a single mum working full time. Trust me I go without many things. And do you know what. When you go without yourself it for some reason makes you want to GIVE more.

Haven't read this whole thread (lost hope for the human condition after about p. 4 of 'how dare you spend what is rightfully your sister's money [due annually no later than 25 Dec, to be paid in earrings/perfume/plastic tat for her children] on a hospice, who do you think you are Mother fucking Teresa').

But to reiterate what others have said:

• Nobody is ever entitled to a present from anyone else. Even at Christmas.

• Sure, you could ask others to contribute to charity. People often ignore this. Like at funerals when people insist on sending flowers when they have been expressly asked to give donations to Cancer Research instead. Best way to ensure the hospice gets £200 is to give it yourself.

• I can remember none of the Xmas presents I received from aunts & uncles throughout the years except for the ones who would donate a brace of rabbits, a goat, chickens, etc on my behalf via Oxfam. It was always exiting as a kid to see that something was being done in my name that affected people elsewhere who I didn't even know. It gave a thrilling sense of being part of the world.

Your sister is being wildly, wildly U. She may be miffed but she should have the dignity & decency to realise that for the greed that it is and keep it to herself!

My family agreed in about June one year that we'd each choose a favourite charity to donate to in lieu of presents. Xmas came, everyone made charity donations apart from SIL, who instead bought us all a load of shite we had specifically told her we didn't want (including cashmere jumper for the dog) & sat there with a face like a slapped arse with her pile of Oxfam cards. Fortunately she's never tried to spend Xmas with us again. Result!

Realise this is sadder for you, OP, as you're fond of your sister. But if she's as good a sort as you say she'll get over herself & apologise for being so ridiculous.

I'm afraid I kind of get where your sister is coming from. I agree with the many other posters who have suggested it was a nice idea but poorly executed, if you had discussed it with your sister beforehand or asked her to donate your and your sons present money to the hospice it might have been easier to accept. Like it or not Christmas is for most people about giving and receiving presents. My kids (who are little) get excited about getting presents but they also get excited about giving presents. Unilaterally you have decided to remove that element from your Christmas between you and your sister. It might not be about greed, maybe your sister had a really good idea of a present for you or had bought it. Maybe she has some charities she feels really strongly about too and would have been happy to donate to them? I do think you have made a really nice gesture though.

I'm slightly on the fence with this. Your sister has clearly behaved very badly with the 5 week strop- if she's upset, surely she could explain why and have an actual discussion about the issues.

But...I do think the charity donation/gift thing could have been better thought out. Like it or not, gift giving is a big part of Christmas for most families, and many people would feel very uncomfortable turning up without a gift, particularly for younger members of the family. So there's a real chance that other adults in the family will still feel the need to buy for your son. Adults without children of their own are unlikely to feel hard done-by if they go ahead and buy your son a gift and receive nothing in return, but your sister may feel put out on behalf of her own children who will be used to receiving gifts from their aunt.

That doesn't make them grabby or entitled - they've grown up with a particular Christmas set-up and it's suddenly being changed by one individual, without prior discussion. It also feels like there's a slight undercurrent of judginess about your nieces and nephews and how much they already have. You are still buying gifts for your own son, but you don't feel that you need to buy for the other close family children because they have so much.

Christmas is a big thing in most families. I think it was unwise to make a unilateral change to what is, after all, a fairly normal and traditional set-up - people give and exchange gifts, and presumably enjoy doing so.

There's also the fact that it may make others feel as though you think they should be doing the same. I'm not saying that you do think that - but if someone announces that they're making a fairly large charity donation in lieu of gifts, it's likely to make some people think 'Shit, do I look tight for not doing the same?' Again, it is something that should, perhaps, have been discussed in advance, rather than announced as a fait accompli.

It's a lovely thing to do, and I don't think you were wrong to do it. But I do think it should have been approached differently, and probably with the children excluded, even if their gifts were scaled back slightly. The exchange of gifts is about more than what the recipient 'gets' and it may well be that the sister is more concerned with that side of things than with the material aspect.

Why didn't you just give up something important to YOU in order to donate to charity? Rather than give up a tradition that means a lot to your family. You are buying presents for your son yet think your sister and her DCs are not worthy of gifts this year as they have 'too much stuff'! It's not about the money IMO it's about the time, thought and effort you put into choosing gifts. Why didn't you buy presents for family as usual and give up something of your own instead eg donate money you would have spent on yourself? Or ask family to make donations on your behalf instead of giving you presents?

I think your 'gesture' came across as rather smug, sanctimonious and self-centred. It sounds like you wanted the altruistic reward of donating to charity yet didn't want to give up money you would have spent on yourself and son, so you gave up your family's Christmas presents instead! Did you expect a pat on the back for this 'generous' gesture? Maybe your sister felt you couldn't be bothered to shop for them this year. Or that you felt she and her family weren't worthy of gifts or the effort of shopping.

I suggest getting some token gifts.

Next year maybe buy them gifts and usual and ask them to donate your presents to charity!

Ellicam. I did discuss it with her. She said she hoped i would not suggest she gave to charity as well. I said of course not. Do what you like.
She told me she thought it was terrible idea giving to charity at xmas.
She had 5 weeks notice and i checked and she had not bought any presents at that time. I have said all this from the beginning. Wish posters would read before posting. But thanks for input

Will people fuck off with suggesting the OP gives up a holiday or some new clothes or something? How the hell do you all know so much about her finances you can comment so confidently?

But Ellie, (a) as OP said, she had discussed this with her sister beforehand. And don't you think that it's her sister's responsibility to be a grown-up about it? Don't you think it's childish & undignified to get angry with someone because they haven't got you & yours a Christmas present?

I don't get this; just like I don't get the way some people get so madly offended by insufficiently thoughtful secret santa presents from virtual strangers. Is this really is what Christmas is about - - give me the exact thing I want, beautifully presented, or I reserve the right to be outraged and insulted?

Now I feel a bit unsure about something I did a few years ago! My DH bought me some jewellery that didn't fit (too small ) and instead of exchanging it I asked if he'd mind my returning it for a refund and donating the money to charity (the Tsunami had just happened & DEC were appealing for money)I donated the whole amount (just short of £100)
I wonder if he was upset by my rejection of his gift - I did tell him what I was doing & he seemed OK with it. Now I wonder..