Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 17:18

Why isn't the sister being held to the same standard as the OP? Why isn't she expected to understand how much it means to the OP to support a cause that resonates so much with her due to her friends' deaths?

The sister has had five weeks to digest the notion of thinking of someone other than herself for a change, and apparently still isn't up to it. I wouldn't be wasting too much of my energy worrying about a person like that, sister or no.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 17:18

Ealingwestmum - DS who is 15 years old is MY son. Please re read.

OP posts:
bettyberry · 23/12/2015 17:18

I don't understand posts like this. Who cares what the definition of a gift is? How is it relevant? We're not in a court of law. Life isn't black and white like this, people have expectations, traditions and things they are comfortable with

er... because its a bloody gift that has yet to be given and the OPs sister doesn't yet own. She has expected to own it and because she isn't getting it has thrown her toys out of her pram and made her sister feel like the worst person on the planet.

You're right, life isn't black and white. Expectations are not always met and the OP was also comfortable with the idea of not giving gifts and making a charitable donation instead because she wasn't comfortable buying gifts for people who already have things they need.

The sister should've said thank you. She should've been gracious. She should've respected her sister's decision regarding the gifts. The sister can of course not like the idea and been miserable about it but the way she is treating her over this is not on. Just think of what this is teaching her children too. 'aunty isn't buying any presents so I'm not talking to her for five weeks and I will continue to be mad at her because i want my flippin' present'

ilovesooty · 23/12/2015 17:19

Sorry but hell would freeze over before I'd start apologising to someone who'd rebuffed my attempts at communication for five weeks.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 17:20

All the others were ok except for her.

Well, there you go. And I hope you're taking some reassurance from the posts supporting you, and not just being upset by the greedy ones?

And: 'But do i really have to be forgiven for giving to a hospice?' Of course not. FFS.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 17:20

Well said, Lea.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 17:22

I know. I wasn't referring to your son, I was referring to how in most children react to gifts at that age.

I have no idea of how old your sister's children are, and would never make assumptions about them, as they may actually not be as bad as their mum.

It was an example of what children who have not been taught about Christmas being anything other than receiving materialistic gifts.

I commented earlier that we (MN) should not assume that your own son does not get what you are doing. And you confirmed it later in your comments, so I am really pleased he's supportive!

flippinada · 23/12/2015 17:23

Yes, I'm not sure why OP is obliged to be so accommodating and beg the forgiveness of her sister who's essentially thrown a massive tantrum over not getting Christmas presents.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 17:24

Thanks ealingwestmum. And thank you all for your input. Looking at both sides of the coin now.

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 23/12/2015 17:27

I love you and I hope to spend Christmas with all of you whom I love more than anything.

mineallmine · 23/12/2015 17:31

I agree with others. Your sentiments are nice and noble but I do think that if the practice has always been to buy presents for each other and for your children, it's not fair to change it without everyone's agreement. You're imposing your decision on others and making them out to be greedy if they want to continue with the tradition of presents. You should have discussed it , not announced that this is what's happening.

What you probably should have done was to say either a) Please give me and ds money instead of a present because I intend to give to charity X or b) Please donate whatever money you would have spent on presents for me and ds to charity X instead.

cariadlet · 23/12/2015 17:31

For the last few years I've asked the people that would normally buy me presents at Christmas to donate money to a charity instead. I tend to change which charity I'm asking for each year.

If they then say that they'd like me to do the same for them then I'll donate instead of giving them a present - either to the same charity or to a different one that they've requested.

But if they don't say that then I'll get them a present. Although it's a better use of money to donate to a worthy charity than to donate to an adult who doesn't need anything, I don't think that it's up to me to make that decision for them.

What does annoy me is that when I tried asking MIL to do this for me she got really arsey with me and said it was up to her how she spent her own money. Which wouldn't be quite so annoying if she didn't give my dd an Argos catalogue and ask her to point out the things that she'd like for Christmas. I do get a bit peeved that dd is allowed to choose what she'd really like for Christmas, but I'm not.

Caboodle · 23/12/2015 17:38

Yabu because the gift giving is a tradition and people feel strongly about tradition. You chose to break the tradition without prior discussion. Also she may like buying gifts for your DS but nows feels she cannot. You could have handled this better.
Dsis is bu for not speaking to you for 5 weeks; that is ridiculous.
Just as an aside-why did you choose this way to donate rather than donate other money or x amount per month etc?

Inertia · 23/12/2015 17:45

Not saying that your sister's response is acceptable by any means, but I think the problem is that you have unilaterally decided that your family traditions of exchanging presents are no longer worthy of your recognition, and that you have judged your nieces and nephews and found them not worthy of your gifts in comparison to others.

You could have told everyone not to buy for you but ask them to donate to charity instead.

You could have found the money for the charity donation by giving up something that was important to you- a holiday, wine, makeup, clothes- or by working extra hours. Plenty of people give regular donations to charity and keep quiet about it. Instead you've decided that your relatives have enough stuff and donated the money you would have spent on them.

You've done something you believed to be right, and giving to charity is a very noble thing to do. But I think your family are probably upset by your judgments about how deserving everybody is , and the idea that your own child is deserving of presents from you but nobody else is, and the fact that you've made a decision which significantly changes the dynamics of the family Christmas without actually considering anybody else.

Queenbean · 23/12/2015 17:47

Dear sister..... Please forgive me and I hope to spend Christmas with all of you whom I love more than anything.

Ha ha ha ha ha. You have to be joking!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2015 17:53

Some of the responses on this thread are unbelievable! I'm stunned that grown women think it's reasonable to get annoyed because someone donated money to a deserving charity rather than buy unnecessary items for relatives. The mind boggles.

It's a hospice ffs, they really need the money. Yet apparently some people think the Op is BU because in doing this her sister, an adult, misses out on the warm fuzzies she might have got from that one gift??

Op you said earlier you felt like a cunt? You are not the person on this thread who should feel like that...

90sforever · 23/12/2015 17:57

Nobody should "feel like a cunt" what a ridiculous thing to say

BackforGood · 23/12/2015 18:03

She is being ridiculous for not speaking to you for 5 weeks,

However - I do think YABU not to buy something for your nieces/nephews. Fair enough if you want to agree with the adults not to get each other gifts, but dc like to get something for Christmas.

I also understand what people are saying - you are donating the money you would otherwise have spent on them, so it's them going without.
the 'right' thing to do would be to say "Look everyone, I really don't want any 'stuff' this Christmas, but I'd prefer if you put whatever you might normally have spent on my in an envelope and I'm going to donate it all to the Hospice" - that way, you are donating what you would have received, not what they would have received. You might find others would join you, or you might not, but it's not a great gesture to donate money you would normally spend on other people to your own personal favourite cause.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 18:06

Mineallmine. I have never once said anyone was greedy. I really wish people would thoroughly read posts before commenting.

Inertia, i did say, do NOT buy for myself and my son. You are Another one who has not read my post properly. And for your information I have not had a holiday for two years. Due to it being too expensive on school hols. I dont need to work extra hours i work in an office full time. Im a single mum. You sound so bloody high and mighty. Worst commenter on this post. And its not the fact you do not agree with me its your condecending attitude

OP posts:
diddl · 23/12/2015 18:08

5wks!

Good grief!

I'd still be buying for kids, but adults maybe a token something?

We rarely do presents for adults as we never know what to get/no one knows what they want & I can't really see the point of something for the sake of it.

Idefix · 23/12/2015 18:12

Yanbu to give to charity that is your choice and is admirable.

However I can also understand from your dsis PoV why she is upset probably not for lack of a gift for herself so much as her dc about the impact your decision will have on your families traditions at Christmas.

Was the notice period 5 weeks ago? Your dsis may have already prepared presents for you and your ds - this may of left your dsis conflicted as you have pretty much said you are not bothered about these gifts.

It may seem upsetting to think about it and you were not doing this to deliberately hurt your dsis feelings but after 5 weeks of nc she is clearly hurt and angry.

I would be thinking token gifts for nieces and nephews would help mend the bridge with dsis.

You are very kind to think of and donate to charity.

emilybrontescorset · 23/12/2015 18:17

Op I think you are doing a wonderful thing.

I absolutely detest the greed and self righteousness which seems to come at Christmas.

3 friends of mine died this year and no amount of presents will ever make up for that.

I myself gave lots of valuable items to my local hospice charity yesterday. I could have sold them but chose not to.
This us my way of donating.

I would ignore your sister and hope that she herself never suffers the loss of a loved one.

LeNouedDeViperes · 23/12/2015 18:18

DS is 15 by the way and was happy to receive no gift. I discussed it with him

That's the way to do it, if you discussed it with your DSis and DN's before you made your decision the outcome may have been different.

aprilanne · 23/12/2015 18:19

personally i would have told the adults and asked them to donate there present to you as well .but its a bit mean not to give your sisters kids .children just wont understand or care unless they are teenagers

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 18:24

YANBU

Re I am all for donating to charity but in effect, you're making others donate, by spending the money you would have spent on presents on that, aren't you? No, she isn't, she is saving the others money because she has said they do not need to spend that money on her. They can still spend that money on her if they wish, and they will not get a present 'back in return', or they can donate it to chaiity, or keep it, or spend it on their kids. Sounds like a win win.

BRILLIANT kind act FlatOnTheHill don't let anyone make you feel bad.