Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

Robotgirl
You are right. I dont want praise. All i wanted was opinions as to whether i had done the right thing or not. As sister gone all pissy on me.
Some people are looking into it so deeply

Bloody hell. I can't believe some of the things people have said on here! What is wrong with people?! I think the OP has done an amazing thing and I wish I had thought to do that! I cannot see what OP's sister's problem is. If it were my child I'd be pleased that they were learning the importance of putting the needs of others ahead of themselves.

OP - have an amazing Christmas! Focus on spending quality time with your loved ones as THAT's what important, not throwing the cheque book at a load of toys that will be forgotten about by the time 2016 starts. Don't let anyone make you doubt your decision to give your hard earned money to charity, as it was a wonderful thing to do.

Jesus, have just come back to this thread and sad to see how nasty it's become.

I think it says a lot more about people themselves who have nothing but criticism for people who donate money to charity. Charity should be private should it, according to whom? That's why all donations are anonymous then and JustGiving doesn't exist. I suppose people who get sponsored to raise money are also selfish, smug, self centred and all the rest of it, making a big song and dance about it.

Those who have taken to slinging insults at OP: have a fucking good look in the mirror and maybe if you can suppress the greed for a moment, see that maybe it wouldn't be all that bad if we didn't all swap Christmas presents every year and instead a few more people donated to charity.

OPs nephews are not going without - they just won't get a gift from Auntie Flat. I'm sure they will survive - and perhaps not even notice in the excitement on Christmas Day.

Get a fucking grip people. It's a couple of presents. The rest of OPs family have no issue with her decision, it's just her sister who has decided to go NC, over a couple of presents. Shame that that's how she values people, based on gifts and material items.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas OP.

Fucking hell. Anyone would think I had gone out and robbed some old dear the way I have been totally flammed today. Im all for differing opinions but it seems xmas has turned into a grabby nightmare from some on here. I really really hope some of you dont need a hospice one day. Because they rely on ass's that are smug and sanctimonious like me.

And to the poster that wrote this:

OP perhaps you should post your address so we can all personally send you a medal

"Why should it be your sister's job to explain your (reasons for your) uni-lateral decision to change the Christmas tradition (of present giving) that you all hitherto shared? Should you not do that?"

"Why has her sister not taught her children not To expect gifts from every single family member at Xmas And that if they do receive them it's something to be thankful and gracious for?"

OP seemed to be saying that her sister should be explaining her ( OP's) decision, bettyberry. I was questioning why, as I think OP should explain her own decision herself.
I did not suggest that it was okay to allow ones children to expect gifts from every single family member at Christmas.
However, since you have raised the subject, do you not think that if OP has in fact hitherto given her nephews a Christmas gift every single year of their lives, then it has been she who has taught her nephews to expect Christmas gifts from her?

"OP I despair at people on here. The venom because you have chosen to opt out of the materialism cycle around Xmas."

Venom? In (for example) my post, which you quoted? I think not.

I think it's a neat way if donating a decent sum and knowing it will actually get to the hospice. Rather than expecting everyone to give their present money they would spend on you to charity.

I like the idea and wish I had the guts to do it. I don't really like receiving presents. They're never what I want and feels like a waste if money. I also think ds gets too much. I'd like to tone it down but don't know how.

I think you've done a good thing and think your dsis is being OTT.

FlatOnTheHill has done absolutely nothing, repeat nothing, wrong.

I'd send you a medal Flat. Not for being boxed into a corner to divulge more personal stuff or getting natkingfuckingcole to bite predictably, but for being you, that some of us normal guys applaud.

Here's to the smug, sanctimonious cunts out there to coin the phrases of the day...happy xmas!

You sound like a lovely person OP. Please ignore these pathetic, goady cunts.

Ealingwestmum Merry Christmas

Bloody heck this thread has got mean x

OP have a cracking Christmas - I may have been the original voice of decent but you don't deserve nastiness

Had a long discussion with DH on this subject last night as a pair of his relatives do something similar and just say they've donated the Christmas money to a charity of their choice, they don't expressly say they don't want presents though which makes things a bit awkward and they also did it for years (late teens and now early 20s).
We concluded it was well intentioned but slightly the wrong way round - they have effectively made everyone else's gift a donation to the charity of their choice and put no thought into presents. It would seem much nicer and more reasonable if they have everyone a gift as normal and asked people to make their gift a donation to the charity of their choice. That way people who want gifts get gifts (especially their now older children) and they who want to make a charitable donation get that as their gift.
We've rather awkwardly ended up buying them a token gift as we aren't really sure what others are doing and don't want them to not have anything just from us.
What happens if we then say OK, please don't buy anything for us, we are making a donation to a charity of our choice instead? Do they decrease the value of their donation by what they would have spent on us as its now going to our charity not their charity...?
Don't get me wrong, I think the sentiment is lovely but I think that a donation should be a gift made to the person who wants to do it, rather than a gift from them.

if my direct response to the OP was aimed at you ADishBestEatenCold I would've said so. It was not. The first paragraph was aimed at you, the second at the OP. I highlight names at the start of each part I wish direct at specific people rather than flooding the thread with individual posts to each person.

No the OP hasn't taught the children to expect gifts by giving them. What a daft thing to say. You can give a gift to a child every year and still teach children they are not to be expected. regardless, if the children grow up assuming they will receive presents from everyone then that is down to the parent. Again, why is it the OPs responsibility to explain and teach her sisters children basic manners?

by telling the OP to explain to the children why they are not getting a gift is reinforcing that the children should be getting one. they shouldn't. It isn't compulsory.

OP please don't get upset about a few dickheads on here.

Fuck them. Some people like to twist things, or read things that just aren't there so they can get their little drama for the evening.

Some people disagree with what you did but have done so respectfully. Some have just been twats and really, it says everything about them and nothing about you.

You have a great Xmas and as a mother of three children who lost their dad to cancer thank you, thank you for doing something so wonderful to places that do so much good.

I've been on the "opposing" side so to speak. I think most of us have applauded the sentiment behing the gesture but just think it may have been handled little better as we can also understand why Dsis isn't so keen.
That's not to say that we agree with the not speaking for 5 weeks and the strop. That is ridiculous.

Sorry for the posters that have really attacked you op. I hope that you don't feel it was the majority of us, even if we did disagree with you.

Well done for doing something that we've often talked about in our family. We've all agreed it's a good idea but would all really miss the gift giving so we've never actually done it. Perhaps that's how your sister feels. The difference is we've talked about it and agreed a way forward.

Please don't feel bad about this thread. You've done a good thing. Perhaps talk to your sister. Don't apologise for what you've done. Stand by that, but perhaps say that you could have handled it better. Then move on. Hopefully the rest of the family will tell her how stupid she is behaving, over christmas.

Have a lovely christmas. Sorry for the loss of so many close to you. Anyone with a heart could understand exactly why you've done what you have, even if they would have preferred to stick with tradition. Your sister is being selfish, even if it is understandable why she feels as she does.

Christmas is a grabby nightmare, op. You're quite right. It's bloody ridiculous.

You can do what you want with your money. Whatever you please. It is after all your money, right?

I'm shocked by some of the downright dumb responses on here. Greed is the norm is seems. Very Veruca Salt.

U2
Im so sorry your children lost their father. Very sad.
Wishing you and your DCs a Happy Christmas

Grapejuicerocks
Thank you. Perhaps I could have handled it differently. Im not one for pussy footing about and just told her what I was doing rather than discussing.
Perhaps thats a lesson. Less haste and all that! Merry Christmas

There are some horrible comments on this thread. I still think the OP has done nothing wrong.

"Kids, I just heard from your Aunt Flat, and she is doing the most wonderful thing this year - let me tell you about it!" That's how it would go down in my family, I'm relieved to say.

Sounds like something out of a cheesy kids' film

What happens if we then say OK, please don't buy anything for us, we are making a donation to a charity of our choice instead? Do they decrease the value of their donation by what they would have spent on us as its now going to our charity not their charity...?

If they've been giving money to charity instead of doing gifts for years then how can you ask them to not buy anything for you as they are already not buying for you as they choose to give their money to charity, it makes more sense for you to say we also won't be buying gifts this as were gonna donate to charity too, the people who've been giving to charity for years will just give the same amount they've always done, and you and dh would give whatever you usually spend on gifts to your charity of choice.

The money wouldn't be going to your charity instead of their charity, what they would have spent on you goes to their charity as it has for years, and what you would spend on gifts now goes to wherever you want. It's your money that's going elsewhere. One charity gets what it always has, while another also benefits if you choose to donate instead of gifts.

I am truly shocked by some of the comments on here.. However OP remember this is on "aibu" and you did ask! Lol :)

I can see both sides of this argument.

I think it is lovely that you thought to make a donation instead of presents and gave them notice so as not to embarrass (if that's the right term!) them on the day.

Perhaps it may have been better to buy the kids in the family gifts? Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The money is gone and you cannot do this - does your sister know you cannot (morally) withdraw your donation?

Perhaps you could right a little card to each of your family explaining the reason for your donation or what it could help pay for?

I gave an oxfam goat to my uncle last year (and a couple of bottles of wine) as I had no idea what to get and thought it'd be a nice gesture. I'd be happy to receive that, however I can see why some people think it's lame! I hope he didn't think so! I know he was shocked though! Lol (I know you haven't bought goats by the way!)

You said that on the phone to your sister she said she wouldn't be donating, did she say anything else? Or did she just hang up and you haven't spoken since?

It's sad that she feels sad about your choice - however it was your choice in the first place. Remember that! Christmas is a time of giving and being with your family (and all that religious stuff I shalln't go into)

Enjoy christmas with your loved ones - life is too short to worry about such small things. At the end of the day you did what you thought was a nice thing to do and that's that!

Have a lovely christmas! X

They have everything by the way. If they were poor they of course would get presents from me.

Sometimes giving presents is not about monetary value. As a single parent with no immediate family, there is no one to buy me gifts. I get one gift from an extended family member, the same item she's bought me the last twenty years. The only other gift I receive is the work Secret Santa, and this year the person who drew me decided that they would donate to a certain charity in my name this year, a charity I am very vocal about my dislike of and refuse to support. It just shows how little they know about me.

Sure, I could go out and buy myself something I wanted. I'm not short of money, I can buy myself anything I need. But just once, it would be nice to think there was someone who fucking gets me and cares enough to put some effort in. Who knows enough about me to put some thought in to me and I'd love for there to be something under the tree for me to open and be surprised about. It's not about the value of the gift, it's about what the gift says to the recipient about how the giver feels about them.