Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

Whilst no one is entitled I think really you should have asked for them to donate the money they would have spent on you instead, because this way they don't have a choice and it's probably not going to be a donation from them. A better way could have been also to ask them what charity, whilst it is hard to argue about donations to a hospice, many people have issues with how some charities spend money, their methods etc.

I think it does alter the Christmas tradition and that is a bone of contention, again whilst they aren't entitled to a gift, there was reasonable expectation of one from past experiences, and whilst you say they want for nothing that is subjective and only really your opinion. But still it's not just about presents a lot of people Equate presents with feeling appreciated, just look at some of the posts already posted and there will be countless more for the next week- 10 days.

I'm not saying that donation to charity is a bad thing but you single handedly decided to alter the Christmas ritual. There's a thread right now talking about someone not getting a present for her "niece" who is her sisters partners daughter a present because she's met her once, and all the posters are saying she should have got a present, I think children are often too young to understand "aunty ....'s present to you is a donation to charity" .

Personally I think it should have been the opposite of you asking them for your present to be a donation, or at least them having some input to the charity or something

But 5 weeks tantrum is pathetic

How anyone can justify the sisters behaviour is beyond me. The human race is so selfish and horrid sometimes. The world is fucked

Why are people so hung up on receiving gifts? Ok Santa gifts for children but extended family gifts are not obligatory. Your sister is being an arse OP.

How old are your sister's children? Older or younger than your son?

If young children especially o would have definitely bought them a Token gift at least.

I don't particularly like this kind of public charity giving personally - I prefer to give quietly and on my own behalf, rather than on behalf of others (or as a/instead of a present) though that is more the specific charity gifts.

However you have asked for nothing in return so that part is different. Really you've done nothing wrong. However as the decision was made fairly close to Christmas and it is changing your normal family traditions maybe your sister felt it was quite sudden/taken her off track - you only have to read MN to know how many people are very set in their ways regarding their own Christmas traditions. Maybe bring until earlier in the year would have meant less stresses but who knows?!

However, it is done and it is fine. Your sister's reaction is OTT (that's partly why I'm wondering if her children are a fair bit younger than your ds) and she is definitely being unreasonable to go non contact over it.

How anyone can justify the sisters behaviour is beyond me.

Me too. I hope it's just that AIBU phenomenon of people so determined to tell the OP she's being unreasoanble, regardless of what she's done, that they'll twist themselves in knots to side with the other person.

This thread has made me really sad.

OP you've done a lovely thing

I can't understand why people are acting like her sister and nephews are getting nothing?? The children will still be getting their normal presents from their parents, grandparents and any other aunts and uncles, won't they?? The OP hasn't cancelled Christmas all together!!

If my brother decided to donate instead of buying gifts, my children would still be getting presents, from us/Santa, my parents and DH's parents..

We stopped buying for the Bruce's and nephews on DH's side a few years ago. One, because there's 13 of them now and we just can't afford it, and two, the last time we did do presents the comments from two of the nephews were "is that it?" and "where's the rest?"

We only do birthday presents if there's a birthday party.

This is across the board by the way, not just us not buying for anyone, it's what we all do now!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DS, and that the new year is kinder to your loved ones

In my extended family, we don't exchange gifts with our grown brothers and sisters, but we do buy for each others children. It works for us.

I wonder what your wider family dynamic is. Were there siblings other than your sister involved? Or is it just you, your sister and your mum? I wonder if there are side conversations, etc. Are you one of many, doing something a little "quirky" for your family? Or, are you the core of a small group, and therefore your change is a major change for all?

To be fair I don't think anyone has said that the sister's strop is acceptable, even among those who suggested that there are alternative ways of giving to charity and that a family discussion in advance might have avoided the fallout.

Please read!! I never told them they want for nothing. That was my opinion

It's not clear from this thread you told them of your opinion that they want for nothing. That's why I added "if you said that".

Whats wrong with telling them im giving it to charity. Its family. Not the whole bloody street.

I just think it is unnecessary and quite showy to announce that you are donating the money you would have spent on present and give it to charity instead. If you didn't want to present exchange anymore you should have just said so (well in advance). It's as if you want them to think you are generous but there is nothing very generous about giving away someone elses present to charity. Obviously they won't buy you a present now but they may feel that they should get your son one. I give my BIL son a present for Christmas even though my children rarely receive anything from BIL as it's not his fault his dad doesn't buy presents.

Nobody has said the sister's behaviour is acceptable. Her reaction is very over the top.

MaryNary

if you didn't want to present exchange anymore you should have just said so (well in advance).

The op did - she says in one of her posts that she told her sister months in advance. How much more time would you allow for the sister to get used to the idea?

its as if you want them to think you are generous but there is nothing very generous about giving away someone elses present to charity.

It is NOT someone else's present she has given to charity. The sister does NOT lose out - she doesn't receive anything but she doesn't give anything either so is even. If she is that bothered about a present, she can take the money that she has saved through not buying the op a gift and buy herself something. She is at no disadvantage.

I remember my mum telling us her and my aunt were no longer doing presents for each other's children when I was 12 maybe. I think I was faintly disappointed because I thought her and my uncle were quite cool and also possibly awkward that all this gift buying for us may have been more of a chore than I'd thought. But the thought of them carrying on buying each other's kids gifts so as not to 'hurt' us children seems ridiculous! Are we supposed to shelter our kids from every feint disappointment? How is that healthy? Isn't it ok for them to know they're not always centre of everyone's world and sometimes there's other stuff going on , though they are always loved ? It doesn't sound like the OPs got pots of money and is withholding gifts because her nieces/ nephews aren't worthy, it sounds more like she wanted to feel like she could 'do' something about all the sad situations she's witnessed recently with the money she's been putting aside. Fair enough to her.

Queenbean The issue is not the amount if notice. The OP didn't discuss not doing a present exchange at any time. She just announced that she would not be buying presents because she had decided to donate the money she would have spent on presents to charity. That is not the same thing.

I agree that the sister does not lose out financially (unless she feels that she should buy OP's son a present anyway) so the sister can't be criticised for being greedy, consumerist bla bla bla. As described by MidniteScribbler, giving presents at Christmas time is not necessarily about monetary value.

Lots of people seem to have stopped doing presents. I know my DDs have one envelope between them under our tree (it's a book token), their presents from each other I've not got round to wrapping yet. And of course Santa is coming tonight as well. But I hope it's not too grabby to say that I used to enjoy the excitement of guessing the under the tree presents from family in the. run up to xmas.
I think next year I may suggest to family that we get presents, but have a £3 cap on it or something. Even a comic wrapped up would be some fun.

Maybe you could cap presents just for DCs too, then the hospice could still get a substantial amount.

Mary how ridiculous to say that you have to discuss with people whether or not to buy presents. In my family, we respect one another and our choices - if my sister said "don't bother buying me a gift, I won't get you one either" I wouldn't give two hoots. the op stated that she did discuss it with her sister and the response was "fine, as long as you're not expecting me to donate to charity as well". It was only later she got in a strop about it.

If she isn't losing out, and has agreed to it, then I really can't see the problem. If she really feels like she is being deprived the joy of giving gifts she could just go ahead and do it.....

It's not about the value of the gift, it's about what the gift says to the recipient about how the giver feels about them

Exactly this.

You could have chosen small thoughtful gifts for family as well as making the donation. Apparently you couldn't be bothered. So you donated the whole present fund to charity and expected family to congratulate you?
Why didn't you just stick to a small carefully-chosen gift each? Then donated the rest without saying anything. There was no need to mention a charity donation to family at all, I suspect sister feels its an attempt at moral one-upmanship more than anything.

I don't think your sisters strop is acceptable behaviour but I do think YABU
It's not the monetary value of presents but the thought behind them. I love seeing what my SIL buys my DC. She never spends much but buys unusual gifts
I think you should have asked they donate the money from what they would've spent on you

Midnight a donation to a hospice which has helped friends who have left children behind is far more thoughtful than a small "well thought out" gift. What - a calendar, a candle? Some other small piece of tat? Honestly, the sister would then say "I've gifted you something expensive and didn't receive the same value back". Much better to set out your intentions and ask for no gifts in return. Which the op has done. How you can criticise her for that I am very surprised.

Mary how ridiculous to say that you have to discuss with people whether or not to buy presents.

Why is i ridiculous to discuss with family whether or not to exchange presents? That is surely what most normal harmonious families do...
I haven't for one minute suggested the sisters reaction is appropriate btw. I just don't think telling people that you are not buying them presents because you are going to donate the money to charity is some brilliant generous gesture. I think it is quite showy and ostentacious and in this case it has back fired.
I don't exchange presents with many people and I donate quite a lot money to charity. I'm sure that a lot of other people do the same thing. There is no need to link the two.

You're missing the key bit of asking for nothing back. So the op has given up her own gifts really, there is no impact at all on the sister financially.

The op has already explained her circumstances and none of what she is doing is for showy, ostentatious reasons.

Gifts are, by definition, voluntary. They are not an obligation which needs to be discussed or negotiated away. The would-be recipients get zero say in the matter.

Wasting money on cheap tokens just to give someone - who already has plenty - 30 seconds thrill in tearing off the paper, just to placate their greedy feelings, is nonsensical.

It does look a bit like your son got 15 years of presents from everyone, then you decide to stop doing presents (just as he hits that harder to buy for / less into xmas age) despite your sister's kids being a fair bit younger, so they only got 8, or 11, or however many years of presents back from you. So rightly or wrongly, they spent 15 years buying your son a present thinking you'd be doing the same for their 3 kids, only to have you suddenly change the plan and not get them presents anymore. Perhaps it's that that is grating on your sister, not the idea of you donating to a hospice. Not saying it makes 5 weeks of silence an OK response, but I can see that they might consider it rather unequal and unfair on their children.

Tacky calculations.

But as long as we're doing them - if sis has 3 kids of say 11, 9 and 7 and OP bought them each one gift per Christmas that is 27 "kid years" OP has bought for already vs the 15 years her sis has bought for OP's son. It looks like sis's family has reaped more from the OP than vice versa for a long time. Not to mention birthdays.

Sister is self-centered, petty and greedy, no getting around it.

Why is i ridiculous to discuss with family whether or not to exchange presents?

Because a discussion implies that if the extended family said 'no, I want to give gifts' then The OP has to go along with something she doesn't feel comfortable with.

If I had to discuss every decision I intended to make nothing would ever change.

I'm a single parent of one. My siblings have 2 kids, a partner and 2 incomes. Do you think I should've discussed with them my intention not to buy gifts because the whole thing is expensive and like the OP I think they have enough and do not need any more?

If they had said no I would be obliged to still buy gifts. So I made the decision, like the OP, not to give gives and that I do not want them in return.

It's not the OPs responsibility to live up to her sisters expectations just like it isn't mine to pander to my own sisters desire to make sure her kids have mountain of crap they don't really need.

She made a decision she has stuck to it. She gave warning. Everyone but her sister was OK with it implying her sisters children did too and if they weren't OK with it they were gracious enough to keep their opinion of it to themselves. Unlike her sister who refused contact for well over a month.