Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 21:40

Marynary
I never made a song and dance.
Me: I wont be buying xmas gifts this year
Family: why is that then
Me: i was going to but decided the money i have set aside im going to give to The hospice.
So how is that a song and dance?

OP posts:
CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 23/12/2015 21:41

Peace on earth and goodwill to all men.

I'm on the fence with this thread, as I can see points for and against your idea.

Even if your sister didn't agree with what you're doing, even if she thought you were bang out of order, she should have sucked it up as its Christmas - to keep the peace in your family and show some goodwill. Instead, refusing to speak to you for FIVE whole weeks is lunacy!

SuburbanRhonda · 23/12/2015 21:42

Does one seriously not see a different between giving presents to immediate family/offspring and giving presents to extended family?

Not when it's suggested the other nephews should be told the money for their gifts is being given to the sick and dying, but their cousin is still getting his.

ethelb · 23/12/2015 21:42

The thing is it is absolutely fine to opt out of reciprocal giving (as long as you give enough warning) .
But expecting the non-recipients to dance a jig of celebration over you sticking it to the excessive consumerism you have decided that they have had enough of is asking a bit much.
Not saying you are doing that OP but some of the responses in here are a little ott tbh.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 21:44

Suburban, the nephews are still getting their presents from their parents, too. Do you really not get the math here?

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 21:44

Ukmm I'm also stunned by how many people's dc seem to expect loads of presents from extended family. And if they don't get them / don't get as many as last year / don't get as many as others do it is understood to reflect some downward slip in the family hierarchy of esteem. What stressful times Christmas & birthdays must be, when your family culture is such that you can asses exactly how much you are loved by how many pressies you get and from whom.

BipBippadotta · 23/12/2015 21:45

*assess, not asses

saoirse31 · 23/12/2015 21:47

You're basically doing some very public donating, using money you would have spent on others not yourself, and you want applause for it.

Why didn't you just donate without a) making it public and b) use money you were going to spend on yourself?

You're also making your family not buy you presents which they have, previously anyway, liked to do, just to emphasise your charitable nature.

I'd be unimpressed tbh

SuburbanRhonda · 23/12/2015 21:47

Suburban, the nephews are still getting their presents from their parents, too. Do you really not get the math here?

"get the math"?

Hmm
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 21:49

Ealingwestmum
We are not all going to agree on everything on MN and i did ask for opinions so had to be open minded and accept graciously that some would not agree with me.
I am appalled by some of the comments on here to be honest. There are some pretty selfish people around that would rather have a stupid gift than see money going to those that are dying. What a sad world we live in.
Ive had a day off sick today. Been on here all day and can honestly say there are some lovely people out there. But there are some that to be honest are quite vile.

OP posts:
flippinada · 23/12/2015 21:49

Why would DN's expect to get a present from their aunt or uncle just because aunt or uncle is buying for their own DC?

Does everyone shown exactly the same in their DNs as they do on their own children, and have huge family fallouts if they don't?

flippinada · 23/12/2015 21:50

*spend, not shown.

knobblyknee · 23/12/2015 21:52

YANBU. I think its a wonderful gesture, and a good example for your son. Our in laws donate every year and we get an email saying who got what. We're not doing Xmas this year as my son started his own business, so that where all our cash has gone. No one has had a strop.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 23/12/2015 21:56

I don't think it's fair to call people vile.
I don't think anyone has said it's wrong to donate to a hospice.
Some people have just expressed a view that you could have given money without involving your family.
That is all. You asked for views and differing from yours doesn't make them vile.

shebird · 23/12/2015 21:58

If you were my sister OP I would respect your choice and wish others would do more of this. I don't need anything, my DCs don't need anything as Santa will be bringing what they asked for. We all have so much stuff and all we are doing is making millions for the retailers of Christmas tat.

Your sister would be better to tell her DCs what a kind and generous thing their aunt has done to help other people.

Inertia · 23/12/2015 21:59

Yes, of course I can see the difference LeaLeander. The issue here though is that one person in the family made, for the most generous and well-intentioned reasons, a decision which changed the established traditions and dynamics of the family Christmas. It's a choice which was the OP's to make, but it could be construed as imposing a particular ethical judgement on anyone who didn't make the same choice.

Obviously the OP didn't know her sister was going to over-react to quite this extent. And of course she doesn't have to justify to her wider family how she spends her money. But a bit of discussion might have led to agreement, and perhaps given the younger generation the chance to really think about how they could contribute to those more in need than themselves.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 21:59

Ok here goes....if im that much of a cunt. I have quietly donated the following this year. But yes I will make it public on here so here goes because im such a shit person right?
£150 hospice in kent where friend died this year. Leaves DS age 4
£100 to a lady i have know for years that was severly burnt in the summer and spent 4 months in Broomfield burns unut. She single mum 3 kids.
£150 to brain tumour charity whos friends son needed Avistan. He sadly passed. But was in hospice i have just donated 200 quid too
£100 to st francis hospice in Romford my other friend who died of cancer of the tongue. Leaves 14 yr old DD
No one knows about the above. Except all of you now.
But im portrayed to be out of order and selfish.
I fucking give up.

OP posts:
Marynary · 23/12/2015 21:59

Me: I wont be buying xmas gifts this year
Family: why is that then
Me: i was going to but decided the money i have set aside im going to give to The hospice.
So how is that a song and dance?

You could have just asked them if it would be alright if you don't exchange Christmas presents anymore. If they asked why you have just say that you didn't have enough money (which would be true if you had donated money to charity during the year).

There was no need to save for a so called Christmas fund and then announce that you are giving it to charity rather than buying family present. There was no need to tell your family that you have decided they want for nothing and their children have everything (if you did) etc.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 22:00

Easier said than done but take care of yourself Flat. You've hit a real nerve with your sister that's way deeper than fucking stupid presents (and we can all get defensive when this happens I know) but the vipers on here keep going on about the same materialist crap and prodding into things outside of what you have shared. None of their business. Unless you chhose to share.

You've handled yourself remarkably. Really hope tomorrow's not so dark and you feel better for Christmas.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 22:00

OP didn't make it public, she had a chat with her sister about it. Nor did she say she was expecting praise.

Klaptout · 23/12/2015 22:03

YANBU we give to our hospice each Christmas, my husband used their services before he died, it's since been a tradition for me and the kids to go there.
I'm sorry that your sister doesn't approve, I guess that's up to her, but sorry it's caused a rift.

Queenbean · 23/12/2015 22:03

Flat, you're now totally wound up in to justifying yourself and your behaviour

Any normal, sane person can see that you are giving to charity in a private way (telling mumsnet that you've made a donation is NOT boasting / being smug / making it public). I'm sure that all of your friends and families of those affected really appreciate it. And a thank you from me too.

Very sorry that you've been given such a hard time here, please focus on the positive responses not the negative ones. You're doing a great thing, promise.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 22:05

But. OP has been called selfish, smug and sanctimonious, among other spiteful comments.

I think "vile" is pretty mild considering.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 22:05

Marynary.
Please read!! I never told them they want for nothing. That was my opinion
Whats wrong with telling them im giving it to charity. Its family. Not the whole bloody street.
Flippinda.
Yes you are correct. Nothing made public. Family is not public.

OP posts:
Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 22:06

OP perhaps you should post your address so we can all personally send you a medal Smile