Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

It is not my place to tell people to donate to charity. It is their choice

Exactly! So why did you not let your DN's make that choice?

Of course not xmasseason. Im exhaused
We are not talking about value. We are talking about the pleasure of giving. And of course its importance. Thats all.

Obviously you don't have to exchange presents with family but there is something a bit showy about the way you have done things. You didn't need to announce to everyone that you are giving money to charity. You could have just suggested to your family that you don't exchange Christmas presents anymore and then given money to charity through the year rather than saving for a so-called "Christmas fund."

If my sister explained to them that their xmas present money was going to those ill and dying surely they would understand

Why is your son's present money not going to the same cause then? Would he not understand?

I agree with the comment about sister thinking OP is being 'morally superior'. There was no need to tell anyone you were making a donation to charity. You could have just bought small gifts for family and donated the rest to charity in private. Said something like 'money's a bit tight this year so we're just doing token gifts'. Telling everyone what you did with the money suggests you want praise for this grand gesture.

I don't understand why Christmas needs to be materialistic or about how much you spend. In my family we don't spend much on gifts but they are chosen with thought and care. It takes time and effort to choose something personal and meaningful. I can imagine how hurt my family would be if I opted out of gifts at Christmas, they would feel like I couldn't be bothered.

You sister is over reacting massively.
But you did essentially get her a goat for Christmas in the nicest possible way.
You have given yourself the warm fuzzies, and they don't seem to have been shared...

Eastwest. I am the most down to earth person you could meet. I have seen couple friends die and they had hospice care which was wonderful. I would never ever come across as holier than thou. Its not my style. There is no reason to feel insecure around me either. Im just an ordinary person. Not snobby. I live in a flat as you can tell by my username. Im not wealthy. All i did wrong was do something different to the norm this year and it backfired. Sadly.

Midnight. So giving 200 quid to the hospice is classed as "couldnt be bothered". Charmimg

Ethelb. I think you are confusing the goat thing with another poster.

Marynary. Wasnt it better I told family i was giving to charity this xmas rather than turn up with fuck all and they wonder why.

LeNoud,

Each household is making its choice on how to spend available funds. OP is (I assume) buying her son a gift and spending other monies on charity instead of giving to extended family.

OP's sister is (I assume) buying her kids presents as usual and spending other monies however she pleases. She was told from the get-go that the OP does not intend to exchange gifts.

The children do not get a say in the matter so why would OP consult her nephew? How would that go? "DN, is it OK with you if I reorganize my budget this year? Do I have your permission to spend my funds on something other than superfluous stuff you don't need?"

The DN gets no say in how the OP spends money she hypothetically could have spent on a gift for him! I am sure the OP could, hypothetically, send the DN to Disney if she cut her budget in other areas, but chooses not to - must she ask permission of him to make that choice as well?

LeNoud. So basically i have to ask my nephews permission to give my hard earned cash to charity. And they have to decide if it is ok or not. Are you for real

LeaLeander. Thank you. Someone that gets it!

Flat - no, you could involve your nephew in the discussion so it's a learning opportunity for him.
I think you are being a bit hard on your family who you say you love, and they love you back.

I did read the thread thanks, and I understood that you told your relatives not to buy for you and your son. However, you have ( unless I have misunderstood, in which case I apologise) bought gifts for your son from you. Which is absolutely your prerogative, I'm sure virtually all parents do as far as they possibly can. But I can understand that your sister might be wondering why only your son deserves gifts now, when previously the whole family had a tradition of exchanging gifts. They can choose to buy what they like for their own children, and I understand that you've told them not to buy for him, but ultimately it's you who has decided where the dividing line will be, depending on who you judge has too much already.

I'm not saying her response is acceptable, but this is something that could have been discussed as a family, rather than you deciding that everyone apart from your son already had too much stuff.

Of course nobody's saying that giving money to charity is the wrong thing to do - charities who care for the dying are more deserving of our money than practically anything else we spend our money on. However, whether you agree with me or not (and clearly you don't) , there are other ways of supporting the charities of your choice without falling out with your family.

No Im not. Its generally accepted on here that giving a goat for xmas is a bit crap (though to be fair your family were warned) and this is similar in sentiment. You gave a charitable donation in someone else's name which can be misconstrued as a little smug.
That said, your sister is being ridiculous. In the same situation as your sister I may have inwardly eye rolled, but shut up tried to see the positive side and moved on.

Candy
Hard on my family! They want for nothing. I love my family dearly.
Me giving to charity instead does not make me love them less.
They think its a great idea. Except my sister

You say you usually buy your DNs a gift at Christmas but you have decided that this year they will not receive anything but the hospice will gain instead. That is your choice that their presents will be donated.

Ethelb ok i understand the goat thing now. Point taken

Marynary. Wasnt it better I told family i was giving to charity this xmas rather than turn up with fuck all and they wonder why.

I wasn't suggesting you turn up with fuck all and they wonder why. I was suggesting that you tell them in advance that you don't want to exchange presents anymore because that is the case. You can donate money to charity all year around rather than saving for a so called "Christmas fund". There is no need to make a song and dance of it by telling everyone that you are donating money to charity rather than giving them presents because you think the "kids have everything" etc etc.

Does one seriously not see a different between giving presents to immediate family/offspring and giving presents to extended family?

Of course one's own children are treated differently than nieces and nephews, in myriad ways not just limited to holiday gift-giving. And it's pretty common when gift-giving is reined in to keep it within the household of origin but stop the exchange with those outside of the household.

the OP does not owe her nephew the same treatments as her son, when it comes to Christmas gifts or anything else.

Inertia. I agree. I think maybe I should have discussed it in depth. But to be honest im at work full time and did it in a phone call. I never in a million thought it would turn out like this over a few poxy xmas presents.

This thread has had me gobsmacked.

OP should ask for forgiveness? OP should work extra hours? OP is favouriting her child over her neices and nephews? OP should have discussed it first? OP should compromise and just buy the dc?

It's your money OP, you can do want you want with it, you've done a nice thing, it's often said Xmas is not about receiving, so I don't see why so many posters are suggesting bonkers things like you work extra hours so that your sister can still have your money spent on her.

Do most children assume they'll be getting gifts from aunts etc? Or am I weird that I've taught dd (10) from a young age not to expect anything from others because that's not what Christmas is about and not everyone can afford stuff? So sometimes she gets gifts and is thankful, other times she doesn't and is still thankful because she's getting to spend time with family who love her. My nieces and nephews are the same, there's no expectation for gifts from extended family, just excitement and having time together.

I'm guessing the rest of the family are still doing gifts, sis dc will get plenty, why is a few gifts less making her so angry? A simple explanation to the dc that aunt is giving her money to people who need it more as we have enough already should be more than enough (but I dont t think the expectation of gifts from extended family should be there to start with.) what you've described is absolutey not a snub, nor selfish. Don't feel bad.

LeNoud. So basically i have to ask my nephews permission to give my hard earned cash to charity. And they have to decide if it is ok or not.

I can't answer that out of context. You've told us that your DS is 15, PPs have asked how old your DNs are.

Oh Flat. I don't think I can bear to watch this any more. 48 years old here too, with a sibling who is so opposite to my own values, but love him dearly. It's made me feel really sad that you have endured this today....I know it's posted in aibu but it makes me despair on what a circus Christmas is compared to the really important stuff.

You know, if your DNs ever got to know the real story, they'd probably applaud you.

The real victims here are also our own parents. Never is there a such an public moment of seeing the differing personalities of their children. And how sad it makes them that something so simple and honest in it's objective can have such consequences.

You are not responsible for her ugly traits. She is.

Whilst I think, as previously said, that you could have handled this better OP I think you have been given a hard time here. In the end a worthy charity is £200 up this Xmas and this is lovely. It's a shame your sister has chosen to sulk rather than discuss it with you. I hope you are back on speaking terms soon.