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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
Grapejuicerocks · 23/12/2015 20:42

But it wasn't her choice to donate "her presents". You made that decision for her. She is being silly to not speak to you for so long but I can understand why she is upset and feels the rug has been pulled out from under her. You have made the desions unilaterally. Her kids are the ones who have had no choice in this and are the ones who will be doing without, without any input into the situation.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:42

There is a difference between entitled and expectation. One is based on what you think should happen and one is based on what has always or almost always happened in this case.

If they have always given gifts then of course both would have an expectation that this would or could happen, but he OP decided to do something different with her money, told her sis and allowed her sis to make her own choice. Her sis has said she will not be giving money to charity so all suggestions that the OP should buy gifts for her family and request that they give money to charity on her behalf would not work! The only thing the OP can decide to do, is what to do with her own money. Which she has done.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:43

You can't claim gifts in advance, you can't demand what you would be getting this year and be pissed off if the other person decides to something different. The sister has her cash intact, she can spend it how she likes.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 20:44

Of course people favour their own children! I love my DNs dearly but I certainly don't prioritise them over my DS.

Grapejuicerocks · 23/12/2015 20:44

Too right I favour my own child. I have bought him up single handed since birth. He is the light of my life

By default you are snubbing your nephews and nieces though, albeit with good intentions.

LeNouedDeViperes · 23/12/2015 20:44

I did discuss it with her. She said she hoped i would not suggest she gave to charity as well. I said of course not. Do what you like. She told me she thought it was terrible idea - so why did you still do it unilaterally? Confused

As PPs have suggested why did you lot ask your family to donate to the hospice in lieu of gifts if you wanted to donate to the hospice so much?

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 20:44

Grapejuicerocks,

Aside from the absurdity of saying that the nephew is losing out over the OP's own son (the nephew's mother will have $$ to spend on him that would otherwise be spent on the OP's family, so he is not losing out) you and all the others suggesting that the OP ask for sis to spend present money on charity instead of gifts are overlooking a major point of etiquette and interpersonal relations: You do not tell others how to spend their money, period. And it is in very poor taste to assume you are receiving gifts - gifts are voluntary - nor is it proper to put in an advance demand for the type of gift one wants.

Honestly, it boggles the mind. Do you all really go around telling family members what they must spend on you, and for which items? The entitlement is astounding. As a pp said, the notion that the OP "owes" her relatives a set level of annual gifts is ridiculous.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:44

Grape. Her kids dont go without. Believe me.

OP posts:
Grapejuicerocks · 23/12/2015 20:46

Probably not but it is a perceived slight from you, if not an actual slight.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:47

LeNoued. It is not my place to tell people to donate to charity. It is their choice.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:47

so why did you still do it unilaterally? because it is her money! Can you imagine any other scenario where people would be questioning what people do with their own belongings!

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:49

It could have been a nice way to share about giving to charity, which would cost the OP's sister nothing at all. But i fear this is it, she feels put out not because she or her kids will lose out financially but because you have n her eyes appeared in some way either morally superior or to flout some sort of family tradition.

hiddenhome2 · 23/12/2015 20:50

Lol at the kids might be upset because their aunt didn't give them anything. Poor blighters, people will be telling the op she's ruined xmas next Grin

Talk about overdramatic. The sister needs to check her priorities.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:50

Grape. My nephews are not being snubbed. If my sister explained to them that their xmas present money was going to those ill and dying surely they would understand. They are old enough. Whether she has done this or not I dont know.

OP posts:
xmasseason · 23/12/2015 20:52

Thinking back to childhood, I appreciate how generous my relatives were in sending me presents I'd like. I think generosity is a good quality for adults to demonstrate to children.

IamtheZombie · 23/12/2015 20:54

Zombie appears to have shuffled into an alternative universe.

FlatOnTheHill, what you have done is far closer to the spirit of Christmas than exchanging items could ever be.

Grapejuicerocks · 23/12/2015 20:56

i think the best scenario would have involved communication.

Op - I'd like to donate the present money this year.
Diss - I quite like giving presents. It's tradition and i feel christmas wouldn't be christmas without presents. It's tradition and what we've always done.
Compromise- well how about token presnts to the value of £* and donate the rest?

With a bit of better communication then everyone could have been happier, if not totally happy.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:59

generosity is not giving gifts and expecting a gift back! This is effectively what we have in this country for the main part at Christmas. It is fine, I love getting gifts and I love giving them, but reciprocal gift giving of similar value is not generosity.

If we want our kids to learn about 'generosity' we will need to go a lot further than simply asking them to pick out something nice so we can then request it from auntie and but something similar for our own niece or nephew. It's not wrong, and it's not bad, but it is not about 'generosity' in my book.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:59

Xmasseason. My nephews dont go without anything. Generosity to children is of course very nice but they also need to learn giving is a nicer quality than receiving.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 21:00

Oopse sorry over use of word generosity! I meant it is not something of a virtue to give and expect to get back.

NinjaClaws · 23/12/2015 21:01

You did a really lovely thing OP so don't let the idiots on this thread make you regret your decision.

I have donated money to charity in lieu of a gift to my siblings in the past and will do so again. When we got married, we asked people not to give us gifts but if they wanted to spend money, to donate it to a charity of their choice. Just saying 'no gifts' really flummoxed some folk.

Luckily for me, neither my siblings or their families are selfish twunts. Hopefully, your sister will grow up soon and realise how childish she's being.
Happy Christmas Op. 🎄

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 21:01

Grapejuicerocks. I like that. And yes that is probably what should have been said.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 21:02

Thanks Ninja . Merry Christmas.

OP posts:
xmasseason · 23/12/2015 21:04

reciprocal gift giving of similar value is not generosity

No-one expects children to give a reciprocal gift, do they?

eastwest · 23/12/2015 21:05

YANBU, but it sounds as if there's more going on here than just losing out on some gifts she expected. Does she maybe feel as if you are being a bit holier-than-thou, and showing off by doing this? I'm not saying you are, but she may feel as if you are. That might explain her extreme behaviour - does she feel insecure around you? Does she feel as if you're setting a standard of virtue she will have to live up to, or something? Is she over-reacting because she feels mean now? I dunno. Just a possibility.