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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:20

Yes, OP Seems its all about what people can get I think it sometimes is like that for kids, who want more and more stuff. Your gesture was lovely and makes so much more sense.

Don't be surprised if you sister is upset or angry, it is her right to be so, but hopefully she will come round and see that her behaviour is totally inappropriate.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:20

Thank you BipBip

OP posts:

DoJo · 23/12/2015 20:20

While I agree with the sentiment, there is surely an expectation on both sides here - the OP has donated money that she would otherwise have spent on gifts, but on the assumption that others would be buying her gifts and so the net result is the same. So as much as people are criticising her sister for expecting gifts, the only way the overall end result is a generous gesture on the OP's part is her expectation that they would have purchased her and her son gifts had she not asked them not to.
eg. the OP has donated £200 which would otherwise have been spent on presents for others, but if those others hadn't been intending to spend a similar amount on her (an obligation that she has relieved them of), then the overall effect would just be that the OP was in exactly the same financial/stuff owning position that she would have been had she spent the money on presents.

That's why unilaterally opting out of an exchange isn't necessarily the best way to go about this kind of gesture - the 'exchange' part means that there is an impact on the other people who are usually a part of it. In this case, it appears that the sister has taken it unusually hard, but only the OP knows whether that is true to form or out of character - I assume the latter based on the fact that it clearly wasn't the intention of such an act, so questioning why and how to remedy it seems like the most sensible thing to do surely?

theycallmemellojello · 23/12/2015 20:21

The sister might be worried that her kids will be upset at no gifts from the D Aunt, or just feel like the D Aunt doesn't care enough to give her kids presents, even though she is buying for her own child. Especially if the sisters are very close, perhaps the sister feels that she loves the OP's DS like a member of her own family. TBH, I do have some sympathy for this view, I would not want to leave my nieces out of Christmas buying anymore than my DS.

theycallmemellojello · 23/12/2015 20:22

Especially as the OP has said she's very close to her sister - I reckon it's not about presents so much as the sister has realised that the OP doesn't feel as close to her children as she feels to the OP's.

flippinada · 23/12/2015 20:23

Please don't feel bad about a kind, well meant gesture Flat. Your donation will be warmly appreciated by the hospice, and I'm sure your sister will come round too. If she doesn't, that's not your fault.

I hope you, and your DS, have a lovely Christmas.

Elllicam · 23/12/2015 20:25

Agree don't feel bad, it was a lovely gesture I hope you and your sister get your good relationship back.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:26

DoJo. I told my sister, myself and my son would NOT expect any gifts. What shes does with the money she would have spent on us is not my concern. She can spend it on herself for all I care. So in effect she is quids in. Which is fine.

OP posts:

Marynary · 23/12/2015 20:26

Your sister's reaction is totally over the top but it wasn't actually generous of you to donate money to charity rather than buying your family presents. You just saved yourself the time and effort of present buying. I appreciate that you have gone without presents yourself but you could have achieved this just by telling them to donate the money they would have spent on you to charity.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:27

Thanks Ellicam

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 20:29

Maybe people sHOULD be made to think about their "traditions"and the waste and mindless consumption of them, relative to people around the world who truly are in need.

I would not exempt kids from the halt in gift giving either. It is never to young to learn that there are others in the world whom one can help by reducing one's own greed and consumption.

Furthermore I don't think the OP needs to get her sister's permission or buy-in for how OP spends her own funds. "We are revising our budget and not doing gift exchanges with extended family this year, so please don't get us anything" is all that needs to be said. She doesn't owe them input or compromise. As many of us have tried to explain to the math-challenged, the sister is not experiencing a net loss due to this new policy - she and her family will retain the $$ they would have spent on the OP's family and have it available to spend on themselves and make up any perceived shortfall in their loot.

The OP has never said that she would not celebrate Christmas with her family and certainly there are other ways to forge bonds than forking over demanded gifts. Meals, inexpensive outings, playing games or singing carols together, watching a holiday film together, decorating cookies together - all are things she could do to express her fondness for niece and nephews without being forced to give privileged kids toys, games and claptrap they don't need.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:30

Marynary. When i told sister what i was doing she said "well i certainly wont be donating to charity".
I said that absolutely fine.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 20:32

The sister might be worried that her kids will be upset at no gifts from the D Aunt, or just feel like the D Aunt doesn't care enough to give her kids presents,

Then the sister can exert herself to explain to her children that we do not need material things to demonstrate our love. What on earth?! When Sister's daughter is a teen is she going to train her to expect presents from boyfriends? Is she going to raise her to be the kind of woman who judges a man's "love" by the size of the diamond he buys her? Ugh. No time like the present to nip such a shallow mindset in the bud.

Grapejuicerocks · 23/12/2015 20:32

I think that you've decided your nephews and nieces have too much tat. Fair enough but then you've not cut down on your expenditure on your own son. So they have made the "sacrifice".
Ok so it is your intention that he doesn't receive anything from your Dsis but that does seem to look like you are favouring your own child and not bothering about them. I know that is not your intention but that could be how it comes across.

I also think that whilst it is a great thing you are trying to do and comes with the best of intentions, it would have been better asking them to donate the money they would have spent on you and your son to the hospice. You could have then asked them whether they would be ok for you to do the same with their present money. Same outcome but they would be involved in the decision making process rather than you unilaterally changing a family tradition which affects your nieces and nephews mainly but not so much your own son. You know he doesn't mind. You don't know their feelings. They may be perfectly ok with it but prefer a different charity, whatever, they would feel involved in the decision.

Sallystyle · 23/12/2015 20:33

Please do not send that sucky up email someone suggested.

She should be apologising to you. If she doesn't like your idea then ok, she talks to you like an adult.

You have done nothing wrong. You have done something good which has been turned into an issue by someone who is being greedy and pathetic.

If her kids can't cope with a few less presents when they already get lots then that is her issue.

Lots of spoilt and entitled people on this thread. If my children ever expressed disappointment because auntie isn't buying them a gift this year I would wonder what the fuck I did wrong. Some years they get less from people, other times more, sometimes nothing.

CalleighDoodle · 23/12/2015 20:35

I think it might have been better of you to ask your family to donate what they would have spent on you and your son to the hospice. I say this because it was you and your son's decision to forgo presents at christmas to donate to the hospice. Nobody else made the decision to go without presents and donate instead. Presumably every other year you have exchanged gifts, so it is tradition to do so.

xmasseason · 23/12/2015 20:35

I think there's enough "waste and mindless consumption" the rest of the year round, without picking on Christmas. Why is it "wasteful" to enjoy a special dinner with family? Or to give gifts to others that they will love? There are worse things in the world.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:35

Grape - as i have said before. She said she would not be donating to charity. I never asked her too. That was her comment when i told her what i was doing. Which is fine. Her choice

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 23/12/2015 20:36

Ok so it is your intention that he doesn't receive anything from your Dsis but that does seem to look like you are favouring your own child and not bothering about them. I know that is not your intention but that could be how it comes across.

I favour my own children. I buy lots for mine but not as much for family members. It's their job to make sure they have enough for Xmas, not mine.

All this fuss over a few fucking presents. No doubt the children will have loads of stuff to open as it is. And if they don't well that isn't OP's fault. It's presents, that's all. No one is going to go without in the OP's family.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:37

I reckon it's not about presents so much as the sister has realised that the OP doesn't feel as close to her children as she feels to the OP's.

Buying presents mindless year after year does not demonstrate one's love. There are a million things we can do to demonstrate our love and care which do not involve buying gifts.

DoJo · 23/12/2015 20:37

DoJo. I told my sister, myself and my son would NOT expect any gifts. What shes does with the money she would have spent on us is not my concern.

That's what I mean though - you're assuming that she would have spent money on you and your son, so those who are posting about how entitled she is to 'expect' gifts are ignoring the fact that you also had the expectation that she would have bought you something of you hadn't asked her not to.
I'm not criticising you, just saying that your sister's expectation that she would receive gifts is matched by your expectation that she would give them, and that is the only way that your decision to donate the money can work as part of a reciprocal thing.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 20:38

Buying gifts isn't bad, but if one gives a gift year on year with the intent of receiving a gift of a similar amount year on year, it doesn't signify much. Surely Christmas is about more than this!

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:38

Too right I favour my own child. I have bought him up single handed since birth. He is the light of my life.

OP posts:

Marynary · 23/12/2015 20:39

Marynary. When i told sister what i was doing she said "well i certainly wont be donating to charity"

She may have felt differently if you hadn't already decided that "her" present should be donated to charity.

Original poster

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 20:41

Italian you are right. Love is not measured in gifts.
Dojo yep get what you are saying

OP posts:

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