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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Hope For A Little Appreciation From Beavers Parents

177 replies

chowhound · 22/12/2015 18:49

The one big thing in my life right now is leading my Colony of Beaver Scouts. I really throw myself into it as do the rest of the Leader team.

Now, even though it's Christmas, and many parents seem to compete as to who can buy the best Christmas present for their PAID teachers, we volunteers on the other hand expect nothing at all. And boy do we get it.

I don't want gifts, I don't even want cards (although both are very great fully received, especially if it's something the child has made themselves). However, a thank you and maybe some feedback on what they and their DC feel about what we have done over the year would be nice. Failing that a smile and a 'merry Christmas'?

You know what I got this year? Nothing. Not a single card, not a single thank you, not a single seasons greeting. Barely even an acknowledgement that I was there,

Maybe I should make it a new year resolution to pack it in. The other leader and our Section Assistant feel the same. Problem is that our group and District are on a skeleton crew and can't get any stand insurance and none of our parents will make the commitment to be a leader (and I admit it's a big commitment). So, there would be 15 6-7 year old son who would have no Beavers if we did that.

I just would like a little acknowledgement of the work I put in at this time of year.

AIBU?

OP posts:

KakiFruit · 23/12/2015 12:21

I would never do anything voluntary if I expected or needed to be recognised for it, because you are so often taken for granted.

So while I don't think YABU for wanting to be thanked, I do think YABU for expecting it - and you clearly do, whatever you say to the contrary. You've got to get into the mindset that the reward is the joy you bring to the kids, and not expect anything else.

I hope I'm coming off how I'm meaning to, which is NOT to suggest you are being entitled or unreasonable in any way. Just that all you can do is adjust your expectations because people aren't going to live up to them.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/12/2015 12:26

I think scouting and guiding and youth clubs and lots of other groups where young people can meet up out of school and take part in lots of different activities can all make a huge difference in those children's and YP's lives, both now and into the future. The fun itself can make a big difference!

I guess I think that leaders really need to know this and be internally motivated, but of course parents expressing thanks and appreciation can help. Everyone is only human

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/12/2015 12:35

Timely you may well be lovely, but you are not showing your loveliness very well on here. However, telling people that you are lovely while displaying such unloveliness is providing entertainment for us all.

Our cubs has a compulsory parent rota. The purpose is so that parents can find out firsthand what is involved. Some of them like it and and move on gradually to being leaders. The rest become much more grateful!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/12/2015 12:38

In fairness, Juggling, the OP does say she expects nothing, in her OP.

DinoSnores · 23/12/2015 13:07

"You've got to get into the mindset that the reward is the joy you bring to the kids, and not expect anything else."

I think that is clear by the fact that chowhound continues to do Beavers despite the lack of any thanks. I don't understand why people can't or won't say thank you though. Surely it is just a reflex!

titchy · 23/12/2015 13:35

timelytess and any others with a similar viewpoint - what the OP and the many many other volunteers get out of it is utterly irrelevant. Their reasons for volunteering are utterly irrelevant. The plain and simple fact is that they are doing something WHICH YOUR CHILD BENEFITS FROM. And you damn well should acknowledge that.

Volunteers don't WANT thanks or gifts, and certainly aren't volunteering in order to receive either, do you really think we should have to spell out to an otherwise fully functioning adult, that it is polite and appreciative to say thanks once in a while, and generally the decent ting to do. We encourage our Beaver/Rainbow/Cub etc children to say thank you and to be aware of the efforts that others have put in so that they can learn about looking after animals, being a firefighter etc etc. We shouldn't be expected to teach their parents to say thank you as well should we?

Why should we as a society sit back and take other people for granted. It's a really really sad state of affairs that we take take take, without even a nod of appreciation that others have given so that we can take take take.

MotherKat · 23/12/2015 14:14

Scouting changed my life as a child, I offered to volunteer but was not suitable due to health issues.
To all of the leaders, assistants, teachers, TAs and anyone else who on here who is helping to create a better society, thank you.
Hopefully the children you influence will not find saying thank you a chore.
I'm personally horrified by the comments made by some people on here who don't think someone should be grateful and express it appropriately when someone does something nice for them, they make me frightened for my babies.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/12/2015 15:25

I guess SDTG, but she also says (regarding expecting nothing back) "And boy do we get it" It's a bit of a mixed message you have to say?

Personally I am incredibly grateful for everything my DS Beaver leader did for DS even though it's nearly ten yrs ago now. But I may not have been particularly good at showing it at the time, particularly in the traditional gift and/or card at Christmas kind of a way. As I said I still see her occasionally now at various community events and sometimes have an opportunity to talk about Beaver days and what DS is up to now with her then.

I hope the OP can take encouragement from the thread and isn't further discouraged by it from offering her very valuable, and appreciated, work with her Beaver group

timelytess · 23/12/2015 15:30

timelytess and any others with a similar viewpoint - what the OP and the many many other volunteers get out of it is utterly irrelevant. Their reasons for volunteering are utterly irrelevant. The plain and simple fact is that they are doing something WHICH YOUR CHILD BENEFITS FROM. And you damn well should acknowledge that

You are clearly irate. I am not.
The enjoyment and extra experience that volunteers get from their activities is not irrelevant, it is why they do it. They would tell you they don't do it for thanks...
I don't have to 'damn well' anything. I haven't been rude to anyone. The only post which made me feel a little for the OP was the one that suggested she was tired and letting off steam, and that's fine.
I stand by my point. If you really want parents, and/or children, to provide you with thanks, cards or gifts you should make that clear when they sign on, so that they are not unaware and so that you are not disappointed.

Being rude to me personally will not advance your cause in any way.

Floggingmolly · 23/12/2015 15:47

You fecking grinch, timely! That's almost Sheldon like in it's literal black and whiteness. Do you find social interactions difficult?

timelytess · 23/12/2015 15:52

You fecking grinch, timely!

Who me?

Acostapurposes · 23/12/2015 16:00

timely has a point... sort of.

I didn't know beavers was free!

I say merry xmas but just saw it like a swimming club or something, no need for card or prezzie

This thread has informed me otherwise and I will be more thoughtful.

LottieDoubtie · 23/12/2015 16:22

Beavers isn't free! But the people running it are not being paid to do it. So it's nice to say thanks occasionally isn't it?

I really don't think you should have to tell people it's appropriate to say thank you when you are doing something for them- particularly something as important as providing experiences for their DC!

budgiegirl · 23/12/2015 16:25

I didn't know beavers was free!

It's not free, but it's generally a couple of quid a week - certainly not nearly enough to paying the volunteers.

If you really want parents, and/or children, to provide you with thanks, cards or gifts you should make that clear when they sign on

So people should only say thank you for something if they are instructed to do so? Really ? That's terribly sad.

Original poster

chowhound · 23/12/2015 16:32

Right, people are starting to try and put words into my mouth now.

Firstly, I absolutely love what I do. I would not do it otherwise. I am not burned out or similar, I am hugely proud of the programme we offer and relish the creativity and challenge. I will not apologise for being really active. Our 100% CSBA rate is testament to that, and we tend to go the extra mile in the requirements. We do NOT need to scale things back.

Secondly, although you may think you understand my expectations and motivations, you do not. You do not know me or how I feel. The smiling faces from the kids satisfies any expectations. It would just be nice to get a smile from parents. Not required, just nice.

Thirdly, although I originally used the analogy of people giving gifts, I have since admitted that this was a bad analogy caused by my feeling down about an unrelated issue. I don't want gifts or cards. Just a smile or similar is all.

OP posts:

Acostapurposes · 23/12/2015 16:33

Sorry, I meant that it was run by volunteers.

Of course im not completely ill mannered. I said goodbye and think you as I did with swimming instructors.

New years resolution though, I will be more considerate.

timelytess · 23/12/2015 16:38

So people should only say thank you for something if they are instructed to do so
Only if not providing thanks, in whatever form, will lead to bad feeling or disappointment on the part of volunteers. If its expected, tell people in advance so that they know.

Marynary · 23/12/2015 16:47

I think that the majority of parents who don't appear grateful are just being thoughtless. There are probably only a few people with attitudes like timelytess - not only are they ungrateful but they never volunteer for anything themselves and rarely do anyone any favours.

titchy · 23/12/2015 16:49

What about good old fashioned common courtesy tess? What about saying thanks because it's the right thing to do and you appreciate someone else? Why does there have to be a condition attached to your thanks - i.e. Only given if the recipient will feel better for it?

Such an arrogant attitude.

budgiegirl · 23/12/2015 16:53

So timely, say you take your child's friend out for a day , on your return the child's mum (or child) doesn't say thank you. Would you not feel a bit frustrated? Or would you think ' oh well, my fault for not advising them that I will expect a thank you upon my return' ?

Do you know what, there's not many people who would forget to say thanks if a friend had taken their child out, or had them round for a play date . But not many people think to say thanks to volunteers who look after their kids at cubs/beavers every week.

titchy · 23/12/2015 16:57

And it would be the friends fault that she was pissed off with timeliness!

Higge · 23/12/2015 17:09

I am so very grateful for all the leaders in the scouting movement, who have spent their valuable free time organising amazing activities for their packs. I have sent chocs and wine to leaders while they were at beavers and cubs but I must admit in scouts I hardly know who all the leaders are - and we no longer have as much contact with them, but you have reminded me to at least email the group my thanks.
Happy Christmas Chowhound!

Higge · 23/12/2015 17:24

If you really want parents, and/or children, to provide you with thanks, cards or gifts you should make that clear when they sign on, so that they are not unaware and so that you are not disappointed.

If that's what's needed for someone to receive thanks than we really are in a bad way.

SSargassoSea · 23/12/2015 17:34

I helped sometimes at my DS's beaver group - OMG it was infuriating, I spent the whole time with gritted teeth whilst overpriveleged, obnoxious little shits spoilt everything that the leaders tried to arrange and do.
I assumed the leaders were immune to this as they battled on regardless. Any volunteer deserves thanks and presents by the bucketload imv.

timelytess · 23/12/2015 17:44

So timely, say you take your child's friend out for a day , on your return the child's mum (or child) doesn't say thank you. Would you not feel a bit frustrated?
No, I'd feel privileged that she'd allowed me to borrow her child. Especially as our children are now in their thirties.

If that's what's needed for someone to receive thanks than we really are in a bad way
The problem in the opening post isn't the lack of thanks, its the OP's resentment of the lack of thanks. You can't change the way the world is but you can change your attitude to it. If you need gratitude as a reward for your voluntary contribution, be upfront about it. That way, everyone wins. But expecting parents to guess what you want, that's just ridiculous.

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