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AIBU?

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Original poster

Giving to charity instead of sending cards - good idea or cop out?

164 replies

m0therofdragons · 22/12/2015 17:35

A close relative emailed today saying he's not doing Christmas cards and will give the money to charity instead. I'm actually a bit miffed. To me, Christmas cards that I post are to say to those people "I may not see you in my everyday life but I still care about you and think of you and you're worth the effort and cost." This relative used to be close but circumstances have changed and we've drifted so it feels like he's pulling further away. I'm also annoyed for my elderly grandmother as he won't be sending her one either and he's asked me to let her know as she doesn't have email. Most of her friends are dead and she's always supported him with generous gifts and her time and a card would matter to her.
I'm not saying charities aren't deserving but I can manage to give to charity and send a few cards to those I love.
I can understand it for people you see regularly as I've said merry Christmas to my friends so not sending a card wouldn't matter as I can show them my love for them in other ways.
It just feels like a showy off "aren't I good" type gesture when actually it's a bit crap.
Iabu? Are Christmas cards a thing of the past?

OP posts:
Thurlow · 23/12/2015 12:03

We're getting less and less cards every year.

We've made a donation to a charity of our choice, and not sent cards for the past few years.

The FB message/email is simply to explain for people who don't get cards from us.

I don't mind getting cards but honestly, I would rather someone gave £30 to charity than spent £30 buying and posting their cards.

It's a bit sad that anyone thinks the FB message or email is just a public "look at meeee, I'm so generous" statement. Cynical.

GreatFuckability · 23/12/2015 12:07

I do agree that the OP shouldn't be passing on messages for her relative though. That's pretty shit. Contact his nan himself!
I don't think of cards as a financial transaction, but I do think the money I wont be spending on cards can be put to good use, that's all. Its not about wanting to look good. At all.

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 23/12/2015 12:09

i'm loathe to slag off anything that gets people donating to charity. however I feel a single facebook status update is lazy and impersonal. I have a friend who doesn't send cards (I have no idea if he gives to charity or not), but does take the time to email/message people individually to wish them a Merry Christmas, which I appreciate just as much as a card.

Enkopkaffetak · 23/12/2015 17:50

I don't have a issue with people not doing Christmas cards. I don't like it when they tell me I am other getting one because they want to donate to charity. You wish to donate to charity great. Just do so. Do the bother telling me.

I love cards and they make me smile when I put them up. I think the two are utterly unrelated and should other be linked.

vladthedisorganised · 23/12/2015 23:51

For me personally, Christmas cards are important. I have a very dispersed family and Christmas cards are a way of letting people know I think of them at Christmas. I don't much care for 'courtesy' cards - "thank you for all your custom this Christmas!"/ work Christmas cards for people I barely know - but the ones I send are to people I care about.

During some very hard Christmases, particularly when I was caring for my father last year, the cards helped keep me going as they reminded me there was something going on outside of the mill of hospitals.

I do give to charity, and I don't tend to do a lot of more expensive Christmas things (Christmas jumpers anyone?) so I'm happy to donate the cost of that to specific Christmas appeals without making it public (though I just have..).

I do think a personal email is nice (you can copy and paste the content) but not so keen on the really generic FB thing. I know some people don't 'do' cards and I know a few families who have made a point of donating to a particular charity every year: but I do feel a little suspicious of the very late / aggressively worded FB posts of "I know some of you have sent me a card this year, well I'm NOT because I'm giving to CHARITY and I refuse to WASTE MONEY when people are DYING!! So take this as a Merry Christmas from me!" I suppose I should thank them for paying me the compliment of being honest Hmm

SirChenjin · 24/12/2015 10:30

Crikey - defriend them!! Grin

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 24/12/2015 10:53

We use different media nowadays to keep in touch. Before mobile phones / texting / email and Facebook, cards were a useful means of promoting contact and sharing news. It's been superseded now. I'd much rather send my friends and family a message that I am thinking of them than a card that gets put in the recycle bin after a couple of weeks.

I always donate to a charity that has a particular relevance to events over the previous 12 months; last year was a brain cancer research institute and this year a refuge centre for victims of domestic abuse. I also Shock let everyone know on Facebook so that people know I haven't forgotten or ignored them this year and include a link to the charity hoping that someone considering a donation at this time might chose to support these groups.

I don't do it because I can't be bothered with sending cards or because I care any less for family and friends. I don't do it for a like on Facebook. I do it because it seems a far better use of resources at a time of year when most of us get very self-indulgent.

Hulababy · 24/12/2015 10:56

It don't do many Christmas cards tbh - far far less this year than ever. Have received far less than this year too. So think the reduction in Christmas cards is becoming the norm.

I don't however say it's anything to do with charity. I think it's a waste of paper/card and ime not that many people are bothered about cards.

I do charity giving as a personal thing and nothing to do with card/present giving. So it's totally separate and independent from whether I send out cards or not.

LarrytheCucumber · 24/12/2015 14:27

We have a communal Christmas card at church so people can sign one card and we raise money for charity by asking people to make a donation. I prefer it to risking missing people out, or the horrible experience of someone coming up to give a card to the person you are talking to and not giving one to you. However it is within a relatively small church community, and different from family and friends outside the church.

SisterMoonshine · 24/12/2015 14:51

I've learned the value of xmas cards more in recent years. For more than just a few people receiving cards is special: it's decorations, it shows someone is thinking of you. Many people don't have much else.

I do like to buy charity ones for lifeboats or whatever though.

VulcanWoman · 24/12/2015 17:31

We use different media nowadays to keep in touch. Before mobile phones / texting / email and Facebook, cards were a useful means of promoting contact and sharing news. It's been superseded now

Just leaves me empty though.

VulcanWoman · 24/12/2015 17:35

I've learned the value of xmas cards more in recent years. For more than just a few people receiving cards is special: it's decorations, it shows someone is thinking of you. Many people don't have much else

I agree, lots of people just don't seem to realise this unfortunately.

kinkytoes · 24/12/2015 18:46

I agree too SisterMoonshine.

Mumberjack · 24/12/2015 19:32

The year our daughter died I didn't want to do cards so gave to a stillbirth charity. Since then I haven't sent cards but have changed the charity this year, it is painful enough at this time of year without writing card upon card with a family member's name missing from them.

cardibach · 25/12/2015 11:37

I don't like this constant judgemental use of the word 'lazy' by the pro-card brigade against those who don't do them. Why is it 'lazy' not to this one task? You have no idea what else we might be doing for our communities or in terms of charitable donations through the year, or if personal circumstances. Lazy is such a horrible judgement.

VulcanWoman · 25/12/2015 11:40

I use the words thoughtless and couldn't give a shite rather than lazy.

Giraffescandance1 · 25/12/2015 11:59

I like cards, though don't always get round to sending as many as I'd like. I buy them directly from charity shops (this year the Cancer Research shop) so hopefully most of the money goes to the charity.

I don't mind not receiving them, but I don't understand why people make a big deal about not buying them, why not eat basic food for a week and give the savings to charity? Why is it Christmas cards getting the chop?

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/12/2015 13:57

As others have posted, I don't care whether you give to charity instead of sending cards, but announcing the that you do this seems to be self aggrandising, but then I view it in the same way as those that do charity walks etc. and insist on sending all staff emails announcing it.

theimpossibledream · 25/12/2015 14:09

I don't send cards and I don't apologise or justify myself for not doing so. It's not compulsory, I don't engage with it and don't feel remotely guilty.

I would laugh at you judging me for not sending one OP!

theimpossibledream · 25/12/2015 14:10

Yes, and what Cardibach said. I volunteer in my community for 3 hours per week almost every week of the year.

That has nothing to do with Christmas cards and I'm an atheist anyway

theimpossibledream · 25/12/2015 14:11

Mumberjack I'm so sorry for your loss.

RockinHippy · 25/12/2015 16:11

Crikey, what a lot of presumptuous angsty, judgey & uptight comments as to other people's card giving choices on this threadConfused

We didn't send cards, we gave to charity instead & I even had the temerity to post out intentions on Faceache, heck, DD even made a video about the "Reverse Advent Calendar" which I shared - oh dear, naughty, insecure & baying for attention & a shiny halo moiHmm

Thanks to our efforts & raising awareness of the idea & what we personally did, other friends joined in & as a result the charities gained even more, some even donated in our name instead of sending us cards & gifts, which we all loved.

I'm so going to hell aren't I Hmm

FtR though, I did send a small handful of extra nice cards to elderly relatives too, though I know for a fact that they wouldn't have minded given the cause

oneowlgirl · 25/12/2015 19:57

No need to be snippy - people are just expressing their feelings. I do think there's something about giving to charity privately rather than putting it on FB though.

Whathaveilost · 25/12/2015 20:07

I I'm not convinced as many people give to charity as they claim.

My boss told us he wasn't giving cards but was giving to charity the other year and I asked which one out of genuine interest. He got all flustered and I could see him racking his brains to think of one quick. Since then I've asked people ( in a conversational way) who they are giving to and from there have been plenty of think on the feet type answers! I'm not intimidating just say oh I give to ........hospice, which charity are you supporting this year?

I also know friends that genuinely give to charity at Christmas so I'm certainly not saying everyone is a fake but I do believe it can be used as a cop out.

Whathaveilost · 25/12/2015 20:09

Just to add to my post, I couldn't care less if people send a card or not. I have sent 3 this year it's just when people claim they are sending to charity and the blush and won't look you in the eye when thrpey say it.

There's no need to say anything about cards!