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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving to charity instead of sending cards - good idea or cop out?

164 replies

m0therofdragons · 22/12/2015 17:35

A close relative emailed today saying he's not doing Christmas cards and will give the money to charity instead. I'm actually a bit miffed. To me, Christmas cards that I post are to say to those people "I may not see you in my everyday life but I still care about you and think of you and you're worth the effort and cost." This relative used to be close but circumstances have changed and we've drifted so it feels like he's pulling further away. I'm also annoyed for my elderly grandmother as he won't be sending her one either and he's asked me to let her know as she doesn't have email. Most of her friends are dead and she's always supported him with generous gifts and her time and a card would matter to her.
I'm not saying charities aren't deserving but I can manage to give to charity and send a few cards to those I love.
I can understand it for people you see regularly as I've said merry Christmas to my friends so not sending a card wouldn't matter as I can show them my love for them in other ways.
It just feels like a showy off "aren't I good" type gesture when actually it's a bit crap.
Iabu? Are Christmas cards a thing of the past?

OP posts:

LottieDoubtie · 22/12/2015 19:12

If thats how you feel Tali that's absolutely fair enough - have the courage to say 'I don't do cards, don't see the point'.

Don't say 'I'm giving to charity instead of doing cards'

That's falseness imo.

Obv whether or not you give to charity is your own affair- but I don't think it needs publicising.

ovenchips · 22/12/2015 19:14

I do suspect Christmas cards have had their day now. Which is neither good nor bad IMO but just the way it is.

I have to admit the Facebook messages etc to say you are donating to charity and won't be sending out Christmas cards really, really get on my pip. Send cards or not, give to a charity by all means but don't tell us about it. Even if unintentional, it looks like a stealth boast or smug or disingenuous. Or something.

People don't post on social media when they give money to charity at any other time of year so seems a weird conflation.

OP I feel your pain about him giving you the job of telling your grandmother he's not sending her a card. There is not a chance in hell I would be doing this for him. Email him back with her telephone number and he can tell her himself if he wants but it's not your responsibility to do it simply because she doesn't have email.

fresta · 22/12/2015 19:14

I agree, there are lots of people on my list I send cards to that I hardly ever contact, it's not because I don't care about them, they may be family that I only contact see a year or so at family parties/weddings etc, they might be old friends from university that I see only once every few years etc. Cards at Christmas signify that we haven't forgotten each other- there are so many people that are in our lives, and just because you don't contact someone often doesn't mean you don't care.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 19:15

Lottie I do them for family sometimes. I just think sending them to everyone is pointless and I donate the money I would have spent to charity

I don't see what's wrong with that. I'd be so happy if a friend said "Tali, I was going to get you a card but then I thought if I didn't do cards and instead gave £20 to charity that'd be a better use of the money"

ovenchips · 22/12/2015 19:20

lighteningirl thank you - 'virtue signalling' is exactly the phrase I was floudering around for.

PrincessMouse · 22/12/2015 19:33

I can see both sides. I understand why a card is important to you and definitely agree your grandmother should gave got one. Different generation and different etiquette. I know cards are important to the older generation in my family.

However I also understand why he may feel a card may be wasted money. It's paper and he obviously feels the money would be of more use to a charitable cause. I completely get that.

We asked our friends and family not to get DD (23 months)any gifts for her birthday (NYE) and instead if they wanted to give something, we asked them to donate what they would have spent to a charity of their choice. Our reasoning, with Christmas and birthday been so close, she has a ridiculous amount of gifts. She's only two and it would be a shame for her to get gifts she won't appreciate or play with because of getting "toy over load". Some are donating and some have said they are buying her a gift anyway. Horses for courses.

ghostyslovesheep · 22/12/2015 20:09

I do both - I send cards to family and old friends because they live far away

I donate to charity

I don't have an issue with either - although I think it's more charitable to deny YOURSELF something then other people (such as my friend who doesn't do birthday presents but asks friends to donate to a local foodbank if they wish to)

The thing I really dislike is the FB posts I keep seeing telling everyone how charitable you are as you are donating rather than doing cards - ffs - just do it quietly without expecting back pats

BackforGood · 22/12/2015 20:15

I think there's a place for both.

For work and Church and a few other things I belong to - we do this, (one greetings sheet and put a donation in the chosen charity) as it could get silly, in terms of numbers, and easily missing out someone, etc. if you tried to send one to each person,
but
for people I don't see, I love getting a card at Christmas - for many of them it's what keeps us in touch - that scribbled note, catching up the news.

I think if I had an e-mail off someone who just said they were donating to charity and not sending them, I'd presume it was honestly because they couldn't be bothered, and I think that's sad.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 22/12/2015 20:26

I haven't sent cards since my son died. I can't write a card from my family without his name on it, and I can't wtite his and my daughter, who died a few years after him, names on them.

I give money to charity instead, it's not a cop out at all, it's fucking heart wrenching.

ovenchips · 22/12/2015 20:31

So sorry for your losses Elsa. I can't imagine.

LottieDoubtie · 22/12/2015 20:36

elsa I'm sorry for your losses, obviously totally different and nobody is getting at you or anyone else in your situation.

Cotto · 22/12/2015 20:48

How is it a cop out?
I think I missed the law that states you have to do Christmas cards or all your friends will be lonely and neglected

Lots of ways to stay in touch, phone, text, email ,FB or OMG actually go and see them.
Christmas cards to someone you never see is the cop out- you don't really care about them if you have no contact all year round!

I do baked goods for my friends and work colleagues instead.
I think the card writers sheep are just fed up cos they spent loads of money and loads of time on something that most people bin!

Samcro · 22/12/2015 20:52

Out of interest, how do you work out how much you are giving to charity and do you let peole know way in advance so they can tke you off their lst

PrincessMouse · 22/12/2015 21:09

Out of interest, how do you work out how much you are giving to charity and do you let peole know way in advance so they can tke you off their lst

Do you only send cards to people if they send you one? Regardless of getting a card in return, I thought the point was you send cards to people you really want to wish well to? I am sure it wasn't intended to but IMO this makes it sound like a tit for tat card giving exercise. I get a card, you get a card.. IYSWIM

GoooRooo · 22/12/2015 21:15

I do both - send cards and donate to charity and the local foodbank. However I don't go on FB telling people that I've given to the charity.

Those announcements "This year I've decided to donate to x charity instead of sending xmas cards" on FB scream of "I'm better than all you Christmas card senders." Pisses me right off.

isseywithcats · 22/12/2015 21:37

this is the firstb year i have decided not to send cards and yes i will be donating to charity the one i donate to is yorkshire cat rescue as i work for them as a volunteer in their shop and at the centre and i foster moms and kittens for them so i know what a fantastic orginisation they are and how many unwanted and stray cats there would be without them (nearly 900 cats and kittens taken in and rehomed this year alone)

tellmemore1982 · 22/12/2015 21:55

Christmas is about Giving to others. If you know that sending a card to someone in your life would make them happy (or that not sending one would make them sad) then you're choosing to make Christmas more about yourself than other people, regardless how else you use the money.

To me that's not the spirit of Christmas, it's thoughtless.

By all means cut your list down to a few people and donate to charity, but do the right thing by everyone, the small effort it takes is worthwhile and could make someone's day

tellmemore1982 · 22/12/2015 21:57

^yet you choose to only donate to charity... (Add to first paragraph!)

Cotto · 22/12/2015 22:07

Without fail everyone I used to send a card to has sighed with relief and crossed me off their list!

What a load of FOG- Fear, obligation and guilt tellme
Christmas for women wouldn't be the same without it eh !
I notice that men aren't guilted into writing out endless cards

Wibblewobble100 · 22/12/2015 22:14

I love sending and receiving cards of all kinds. I get irrationally grumpy when folk give to charity instead. Total cop out in my book!

tellmemore1982 · 22/12/2015 22:17

Elsa I'm so sorry for your loss, I generalise only in response to the general sentiment of the op. Anything like this is about circumstance, I'm so sorry for yours and hope you find strength from loved ones this Christmas

finetonive · 22/12/2015 22:24

It's a cop out.
And why do they all feel the need to announce it on FB?

It's as if they're feeling guilty really and think that announcing 'I'm not sending Xmas cards this year' it will somehow cancel the guilt

Truly altruistic people (who give to charity on a regular basis) don't usually tell other people that they have given to charity.
They feel no need for flouncing and announcing.

finetonive · 22/12/2015 22:27

The thing I really dislike is the FB posts I keep seeing telling everyone how charitable you are as you are donating rather than doing cards - ffs - just do it quietly without expecting back pats

Exactly.
There is no need for cringy announcements.
Just do it.

Perniciousness · 22/12/2015 22:27

I don't do it but I think it's a nice idea. I've stopped sending cards to most people.

I find it sad that some people are so keen to be 'offended'. Giving some something to charity and sending a nice email isn't meant to cause offense.

oneowlgirl · 22/12/2015 22:32

I love cards - totally agree Op!

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