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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving to charity instead of sending cards - good idea or cop out?

164 replies

m0therofdragons · 22/12/2015 17:35

A close relative emailed today saying he's not doing Christmas cards and will give the money to charity instead. I'm actually a bit miffed. To me, Christmas cards that I post are to say to those people "I may not see you in my everyday life but I still care about you and think of you and you're worth the effort and cost." This relative used to be close but circumstances have changed and we've drifted so it feels like he's pulling further away. I'm also annoyed for my elderly grandmother as he won't be sending her one either and he's asked me to let her know as she doesn't have email. Most of her friends are dead and she's always supported him with generous gifts and her time and a card would matter to her.
I'm not saying charities aren't deserving but I can manage to give to charity and send a few cards to those I love.
I can understand it for people you see regularly as I've said merry Christmas to my friends so not sending a card wouldn't matter as I can show them my love for them in other ways.
It just feels like a showy off "aren't I good" type gesture when actually it's a bit crap.
Iabu? Are Christmas cards a thing of the past?

OP posts:

IMustNotForgetMyPasswordAgain · 22/12/2015 22:33

I hate Christmas cards, there's too many of them to put anywhere and it makes me feel bad when I throw them in the recycling after Christmas, it's just so wasteful. I still send them to a couple of elderly relatives, because not hurting their feelings is more important than my feelings about cards. Everyone else gets some form of electronic happy Christmas (often with more news/ communication than a card).

SauvignonPlonker · 22/12/2015 22:37

I wish I'd donated to charity instead! I've really struggled for time this year & was writing them at midnight on a working night. It just felt like a chore. The cards we've received are just piled in a drawer & will go in the recycling. It just seems so pointless.

Next year I will write cards only to those of a generation who expect them & can maybe attach something meaningful to them. And I'll make a donation to a charity which is a bit more meaningful for me.

kinkytoes · 22/12/2015 22:39

I actually think the real reason is that people cannot be bothered to tear themselves away from their screens for one evening and just sit with a pen, an address book and their own brains for company. In the same way that no-one writer letters any more, they'd rather just update Facebook than make a one to one connection with other people.

90sforever · 22/12/2015 22:39

I think it's stupid and lazy. It's only a tiny donation to charity, no need to feel all superior and virtuous (can you tell I've had few this year?)

ThroughThinkandThing · 22/12/2015 22:40

It's the sanctimoniousness of the announcement that pisses me off. Just give the money to charity and don't make such a song and dance about it.

I do think it is nice to write a proper card/letter to those who aren't on email, but that is another matter. Other than that, electronic happy Christmases (or not as the case may be) are quite sufficient - each to their own.

SirChenjin · 22/12/2015 22:43

I don't feel virtuous or sanctimonious - what an odd way of looking at a donation in lieu of Christmas cards. Our team send emails to each other along the lines of 'not sending Christmas cards this year but have made a donation to X instead. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas and New Year and see you in 2016'.

Bastards.

Want2bSupermum · 22/12/2015 22:44

We send cards out. I've had a couple of people write that they are donating to charity instead of sending cards. It feels wrong to me and I say that as someone who attends parties where guests are encouraged to donate to charity we have picked out instead of giving a gift to my DC. With the birthday celebration we are still marking the occasion with others and the reason for the donation is that our DC have every known toy in the world. With Christmas cards it is a good opportunity to connect with people that you don't normally get a chance to connect with during the year.

If anyone is struggling with cards, do what we do here in the US and get picture cards printed and print your address to labels. Takes me about 2 hours to get cards sent out these days.

2rebecca · 22/12/2015 22:54

To me giving money to charity and sending Christmas cards are completely different things.
I give to a charity because I want to help that particular charity.
I write Christmas cards because I want my friends and family to know I am thinking of them at Christmas and I often write a bit in them if I've not seen them for a while.
I don't send many Christmas cards though, I suspect people who think a donation is a logical substitute should just cut back the cards.

coffeeisnectar · 22/12/2015 22:58

I've not sent cards.

I've sent a gift for a child of someone on this site. And sent a lot of gifts to a charity that helps families who have babies in picu at Christmas.

And I've not advertised it on Facebook and have no intention of telling anyone what I bought or the cost. It's my choice.

2rebecca · 22/12/2015 23:00

If someone wants to email me merry christmas or say it in person then there's no need for a card. Fine give a donation to charity if you want but I don't see there's anything special about a card over an email or verbal merry christmas that means the absence of it warrants a donation. I wish my work colleagues merry christmas in person.

cardibach · 22/12/2015 23:17

People put it in an email or on Facebook so people will know they aren't sending cards and can respond accordingly - which several of you have hoped they do. I did this for a couple of years, now I don't as I assume people know I won't be sending cards. I actually dislike them - pointless and a waste of time and money. I don't see what they achieve that actually talking to the person (actual talking or interaction via text, email or facebook) won't also achieve.
And cop out? That suggests that it's some kind of imperative or obligation to do cards. I choose not to. It's not copping out because there's no reason I should do it in the first place. What an odd attitude.

Shaffron · 22/12/2015 23:35

I agree with kinkytoes, people just can't be arsed writing to each other anymore and would rather be on social media. Then they lie with a sanctimonious post about donating to charity instead. Why broadcast it? Just do it.

CheeseToastie123 · 22/12/2015 23:49

The first couple of years I didn't send cards, I told people who sent me a card that I wasn't reciprocating, and why, so as not to appear rude. Saying it over and over gets tedious, so an email to the people I am in touch with all year round anyway because I don't just get in touch at Christmas, explaining once, was simpler. In it, o write a silly little joke, wished people all the best, explained the chosen charities and the reasoning and left it. About ten years,later, if I'm 'late' with the email, I get questions about when the cheesy jokes and charity choices are arriving. It seems my hideous self righteousness is not only accepted, but appreciated. So up yours.

Oh, and this year's charities are MS Society for my sister in law who died 9 days ago, and the favourite charity of my friend's Mum who died 3 weeks ago. My choices are always influenced by the year gone by. The cat gives to the charity that rescued him...

honeyroar · 22/12/2015 23:50

I like sending and receiving cards. I have moved about all over the country over the last few decades. There are people that I don't see often at all, but I still think of fondly, and I like hearing their news. Life gets in the way and I don't like speaking on the phone, but I write a good letter. So I still send loads. I can understand if other people don't like them and don't want to send them, that's fine. But don't hide the fact behind a smug charity donation. I do a fair bit for charity throughout the year but don't feel the need to post it on Facebook every time.. I have much more respect for someone who posted, "I won't be sending Xmas cards this year guys because I simply can't be arsed!"

I had to laugh, one of my friends on FB shared a post suggesting people sent an extra card this year to an old soldier's retirement home when they wrote their cards, then about ten days later posted that they weren't sending cards this year!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/12/2015 04:44

So when people donate, whether publicised or not, do people actually give the amount it would cost tjem to buy cards/stamps or just a nominal amount.?

I sit on fence here... I have cut down, but still send about 15 - 20 to older relatives who I then write a personal letter to...seems to be a better use of time/effort, than the previous 60-70 I used to send.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 23/12/2015 05:01

I do give the money to charity but still send out the cards that come in boxes

1 year after spending £40 on nice personal card when my friend was struggling to pay for a life changing op which was £65,000 I decided to donated to the just giving page instead.

Now the op is done I still donate to the footsteps charity.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 23/12/2015 05:02

I don't tell people though.

VulcanWoman · 23/12/2015 07:02

Kinky well said, too true and very sad.

Moonriver1 · 23/12/2015 07:08

I send cards and donate to charities, give to food banks etc this time of year.

But appreciate everyone has different financial situations.

I think it's a nice thing to do, donate instead of sending cards, but I am always sceptical and wonder if those people are really donating the same amount!

Lucymatilde · 23/12/2015 07:19

I think cards are part of the Christmas tradition in this country and I really enjoy receiving them - even from close friends and family. And actually I think they should be posted do as to arrive independently - not be handed over. Sure, if you want to give to charity do so. Most of us do, I expect, but it's not an alternative to sending Christmas cards. I hate email/online cards and I hate it when anyone says they're giving to charity instead of sending cards. Do both. Or if you don't like cards or can't be arsed to send them come clean about it and say so. Then we know the cut of your jib.

exLtEveDallas · 23/12/2015 07:27

I have never posted Christmas cards, it's not my 'thing' really. I buy cards for family that I give when I see them, but even then as I've got older and less able to see them before Xmas I've not bothered (who needs a 'Merry Christmas' card on the 29th?)

At work they did a new thing this year whereby they put the money they would have spent on cards (around £5) in an envelope with a charity name on. The envelopes were all put together and one drawn to be the recipient of all the cash. I thought that was quite a good idea, and took part (even though I wouldn't have actually bought cards for them in the first place!) - a local charity 'won' and I have to admit it did feel more meaningful than giving a card to a person you see every day.

Duckdeamon · 23/12/2015 07:57

I have lots of relatives who I never see and have never been close to, have no contact apart from hearing about them through my parents, weddings and funerals! And Christmas cards. I would prefer everyone not to bother as I feel oddly guilty for not reciprocating cards. Some years I do.

I don't agree with PPs who suggest sending a card makes a "personal connection" or even shows people they're cared about. To me they're just a cultural/social expectation, although hopefully this is changing!

Christmas cards are wasteful since they get chucked out, and classic wifework.

PuppyMouse · 23/12/2015 08:09

I'm a copper outer. I do a FB note and then only send cards to selected family who I know will be expecting them.

I always screw up,forget someone or their address and I just would rather make a donation that's probably twice the money the cards would cost. I always choose one that's relevant or personal but that I haven't been supporting throughout the year.

PuppyMouse · 23/12/2015 08:09

I'm a copper outer. I do a FB note and then only send cards to selected family who I know will be expecting them.

WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes · 23/12/2015 08:33

I still like sending and receiving cards, I have a lot of friends and family that aren't on FB or I don't have email contact with, I think it's nice to get a handwritten note about what each other has been up to during the year. I haven't noticed any real decrease in the amount of cards received over the years. I don't mind getting a personal email instead, but a generic FB post or round robin email just isn't the same, to me that shows a lack of interest/effort. As for the charity donation announcement, well that's no different to me sending charity cards with the name on the back.

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