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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC's partners staying the night - DP and I disagree on what's right

90 replies

buckingfrolicks · 21/12/2015 20:52

My DP tells me that his view is our DCs, both almost 18, can only have their partners over to sleep the night, if they have been in that relationship for at least 6 months; or that they already live together (ie coming back to ours for a visit).

My view is, this is their home, I trust their judgement (they are both great kids) and if they chose to have a partner over for the night that's fine. I'd be a bit WTF if it was a one-night-stand, but not someone I know they have feelings for.

It isn't the sex he's objecting to, he's okay about them having a sex life, it's the sleeping over.

AIBU to argue about this with him, or is his view more usual than I think?

OP posts:
SpanglesGalloway · 21/12/2015 21:00

I don't really understand...you both agree you'd be happy for your children to have their partners stay and sleep over? I don't get the disagreement?

Tamponlady · 21/12/2015 21:01

Sorry I agree it's one thing about being real about teens young adults having sex but you should not be condoneing casual sex

I think the fact they even think they can ask for someone to stay over who they have been seeing for 5 minutes is a bit Hmm I with oh anything under 6 months is not serious in my book and I think it's not about trusting them it's about them udrstanding you don't just bring any only random home my husband has only even brought 3 girls home I am the 3rd

Seeyounearertime · 21/12/2015 21:05

I agree with OH.

You wouldn't want a different man / woman at your breakfast table every other morning.

Original poster
buckingfrolicks · 21/12/2015 21:06

Spangles, I'm saying that I wouldn't mind them having their partners to sleep over now - after say 3 months' relationship.

My DP says they need to wait til they've been together 'at least 6 months'

Tamponlady, I wasn't being clear - I don't condone casual sex but don't see why their boy/girlfriend of the moment who we all know they are having sex with, shouldn't be able to spend the night

OP posts:
SusanIvanova · 21/12/2015 21:07

As long as is not a random stranger what's the problem? I don't get the sex vs sleeping together issue, surely sex is the bit you would be concerned about (if anything).

timelytess · 21/12/2015 21:08

Personal view - marry, then return to your parents' house to sleep together if you have to. Before that, no.
Just a personal view, as I say.
No bringing home randoms to sleep with. You wouldn't, as a teenager, expect your parents to do that, so you shouldn't do it, either.

BertieBotts · 21/12/2015 21:11

I don't think your views are that far apart - 3 months, 6 months. Why don't you compromise and go for 4 months, or some other marker?

I know they are over 18 but I think it's pretty typical for adult DC to have to abide by some rules about overnight visitors.

Ughnotagain · 21/12/2015 21:12

6 months is ages!

I agree with you OP.

SpanglesGalloway · 21/12/2015 21:13

Ah I see...

I'm actually with your Oh here. I think it should be an established relationship and 6m is quiet decent.... Also out of respect for you and dh I would expect them to consult you and not just do it... Also how would you feel if they had been seeing someone for 3 months and you've only met them twice. Both times they were walking in saying hello and then being taken upstairs by your dc? You would probably want to get to know the person first a bit also if they will be staying under your roof.

MrsH1989 · 21/12/2015 21:13

If you don't care about them having sex then I dont see why the length of their relationship should dictate whether or not they sleep over.

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2015 21:14

DH and I have pretty different views on this so will be interesting many years down the line when our bump becomes a teen.
I'd be fine with their partners staying over as long as it was a relationship and not a random.

nortonhouse · 21/12/2015 21:15

Agree completely with timelytess, although I have a feeling that won't be a popular point of view.

BackforGood · 21/12/2015 21:15

I agree with your dp, if I'm honest.
My ds's girlfriend now stays over, but it didn't start until they'd been going out for several months.
Perfectly reasonable to have some rules in place about who can stay over in your home.

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2015 21:18

Whilst married now, I'd have been pretty Hmm if my fiancé who I lived with had to stay in a hotel when we made the long trek to my parents place.

Orda1 · 21/12/2015 21:19

I agree with your husband.

Orda1 · 21/12/2015 21:20

Oyster, that's not been suggested though.

Snowglobe1 · 21/12/2015 21:24

I'm with you.

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2015 21:27

Sorry I was talking about the responses from timelytess & nortonhouse.

Judydreamsofhorses · 21/12/2015 21:30

I agree with your husband too. My friend's son's 20 and away in another city at university, and when he and his girlfriend visit the girlfriend is in the spare room - they've been together for two years!

Orda1 · 21/12/2015 21:31

Ah, my fault. I'm engaged to partner of 6 years, would I have to sleep in a different room in their houses? Confused

GloriaHotcakes · 21/12/2015 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 21/12/2015 21:33

I think it depends on how well you know them. Dh and I were living together, engaged and in our early 20's and his parents wouldn't let us stay in the same room at their house (two single beds) so we stayed at my parent's house (my Mum was Catholic and had sex for the first time on her wedding night.)

They could have been with someone for 6 months who you have never met due to geography but also been with someone 3 months who you have seen almost daily and who has shared many a conversation with you.

I think 3 months is a long time when you are that age but maybe compromise with your Dh for somewhere between 3 and 6.

Also why the staying over? Is there a reason they cannot go home at the end of an evening?

Tamponlady · 21/12/2015 21:33

Op I understand but 3 months is casual sex to me I really don't think you should be bringing randoms home to your parents I don't think you should be brining every boyfriend you ever have home
Just the really special ones and they usually last more than 3 months

Also it's not there home they live with you and dp in there home I hate this trend of equalising parents unless of course they pay the mortgage and help pay the bills

RubbleBubble00 · 21/12/2015 21:34

I think perhaps have it as a loose rule of 6 months but say to dc to perhaps have a quick chat when they want a new person to stay over. If their current gf or bf has been in your house constantly for say 3 months then perhaps your dh would then be comfortable with them staying over

Topseyt · 21/12/2015 21:34

Don't think anyone suggested a hotel!! Hmm

I haven't actually had this yet, even though my DD1 is 20 and DD2 17. All DD1's relationships have been away at uni so far and not shown up here, and DD2 just doesn't seem at all bothered about boyfriends etc.

I would want it to be a relationship which seemed serious rather than casual, and therefore it would probably have been ongoing for several months (possibly 6, though that isn't set in stone).

I like to think that I would be a little more accommodating than my own parents were. I had been living with DH (then still my boyfriend) for several years, and we even owned our own apartment. His parents were fine with us sharing a bed when we visited their house, but it was a standing joke that whenever we visited my parents we had to sleep in separate rooms until after we were married.