DC's partners staying the night - DP and I disagree on what's right

[buckingfrolicks]

My DP tells me that his view is our DCs, both almost 18, can only have their partners over to sleep the night, if they have been in that relationship for at least 6 months; or that they already live together (ie coming back to ours for a visit).

My view is, this is their home, I trust their judgement (they are both great kids) and if they chose to have a partner over for the night that's fine. I'd be a bit WTF if it was a one-night-stand, but not someone I know they have feelings for.

It isn't the sex he's objecting to, he's okay about them having a sex life, it's the sleeping over.

AIBU to argue about this with him, or is his view more usual than I think?

I find some of the replies on this thread a bit odd.

On other threads about teenagers/young adults everyone falls over themselves to say how cool they are about sex, they have open & frank discussions, etc, etc. Here we get a lot of fixed time limits, casual sex is bad m'kay and not under my roof/not until they're married......

Rather than a blanket time limit why not make the rule that you have to have properly met them as the bf/gf first. Surely part of being serious is introducing them to mum and dad at Sunday lunch or the like. 6m/3m either way is meaningless imo.

I find some of the replies on this thread a bit odd.

You could say that about loads of the threads on aibu. Its quite bazzare really.

Especially the contradiction on casual sex.

I think casual sex is fine for most anyone except for my children.

Just make sure the 'rule' is set in stone for all your DC. I rather lost respect for my DM and her strong principles (my DH and I weren't allowed to share a bed at hers until we were married, despite living together) when they went out of the window for my DB and his girlfriend (now DSIL).

I think casual sex is fine for most anyone except for my children. wink

Thankfully I've got my own place so the 20 year old I see causually doesn't have this problem

I think once they are young adults, it is absolutely none of your business whether they want to have casual sex or not. I wouldn't dream of judging or having any opinion on my adult DCs sex lives. The idea that my DD needs to be married before she can bring someone home, though (as some have suggested) seems Victorian to me. What if she never marries?!

Its more a matter of respect for the family/household and of the feelings of your parents (who dont want to have intimate knowledge of your sexual escapades... EVER)...isnt it?

I wouldn't have brought casual partners/one night stands home to my mum's house, and I wouldn't expect my DC to, either. Thats what university accommodation / student flat shares are for . If they introduced someone to me as their boyfriend/girlfriend, though, I wouldn't mind them staying occasionally. I wouldn't put a time limit of 'six month relationship' on it, though. I'd trust their judgement. If they say its their partner, I'd believe them.

Goodness, DH and I were engaged within a fortnight of meeting, 6 months is ages ( we were married not long after that)

I think once they are young adults, it is absolutely none of your business whether they want to have casual sex or not. I wouldn't dream of judging or having any opinion on my adult DCs sex lives. The idea that my DD needs to be married before she can bring someone home, though (as some have suggested) seems Victorian to me. What if she never marries?!

I agree their sex life is mostly none of my business once they are adults, but what goes on in our house is an entirely different matter. I plan to make their lady friends very welcome but they're not spending the night.

Very difficult apple when they live away, and plan on visiting with boyfriend. Like others have said some choose not to marry and I wouldn't want to pressurise my children into that to please me.

When they move out, they still visit, especially at Christmas.

Yes. Once they are grown up and working, and annual leave becomes a precious resource, then time with parents where they don't get to spend time with a partner tends to get reduced to the bare minimum, especially if the partner's parents make both of them feel welcome. Christmas etc will be spent disproportionately at their home or with their partner's family.

I'm not so unreasonable that I wouldn't allow them to bring their long-term girlfriends home when they are actually leading adult lives, living away from home. I'm talking about 18 year olds living at home.

I'm with Timelytess. And btw I think it is perfectly acceptable to insist that in your house your moral rules are adhered to, regardless of the age of those who stay over. Including adult children. And no, this does not need to impact on the relationship: if adult children are only able to maintain good relationship with their parents on condition that they can bring along someone to sleep with, it's better if they stay away.

Btw, going back to the original post: as fredfred also said, I think the DP's objection is more to the point that when you get up in the morning and wander downstairs for a coffee half-dressed with tousled hair and yawning, you don't want to meet any random stranger in your kitchen.

iona so you'd rather your adult child never visited than bring their partner and children? Or would you rather them leave those at home?

The thing is 18 year olds quickly morph into fully fledged adults - it doesn't just happen overnight but it can catch you unawares.

Even students do not need to go back to parents in the hols. Lots have year round housing and jobs....

It's ok having your own moral code but you do run the risk of adult children not visiting.

I agree with you OP.