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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC's partners staying the night - DP and I disagree on what's right

90 replies

buckingfrolicks · 21/12/2015 20:52

My DP tells me that his view is our DCs, both almost 18, can only have their partners over to sleep the night, if they have been in that relationship for at least 6 months; or that they already live together (ie coming back to ours for a visit).

My view is, this is their home, I trust their judgement (they are both great kids) and if they chose to have a partner over for the night that's fine. I'd be a bit WTF if it was a one-night-stand, but not someone I know they have feelings for.

It isn't the sex he's objecting to, he's okay about them having a sex life, it's the sleeping over.

AIBU to argue about this with him, or is his view more usual than I think?

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 21/12/2015 21:35

As you would know them.quite well

MrsJayy · 21/12/2015 21:39

I think if you have met the bf/gf and know them a little bit then its fine randoms you dont know very well or at all id be iffy about and not be happy with them in my house. So 3 months id be fine with you need to play it by ear though.

MrsJayy · 21/12/2015 21:43

My parents wouldnt let then Dp now Dh stay in my room the night before we moved into our flat we had a baby

MammaTJ · 21/12/2015 21:45

For me, with my step daughter, it was 6 months together but if they split not another for a year. Purely because I did not want my 8 year old DD to see a trail of men through my house.

When their dad left me, I was even stricter on myself, if that helps at all!

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 21/12/2015 21:59

Both of your views are fine, your DP's view is as likely as much about not wanting to invest in getting to know someone over his coffee and Weetabix of a morning as it is about anything else. I expect the abstract of 6 months sounds reasonable, in reality when he knows the partner it's likely to be a lot shorter. It's not unreasonable to advocate the view, neither is your view that it's their home unreasonable, but the communal areas complicate it a little as it's also your DP's home.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 21/12/2015 22:02

I agree with your DH too, three months is far too soon and is sending the message that casual sex is fine.

AdjustableWench · 21/12/2015 22:02

As far as I can tell, my generation's differentiation between casual sex and a 'proper relationship' isn't really on the radar of many of today's teenagers. They don't necessarily pick up strangers off the street, but there does seem to be a lot of sexual activity between people who are just friends (rather than boyfriends/girlfriends). I haven't had to deal with this issue myself yet (as far as I know) but I don't think I'd expect a relationship to be of six months' duration before agreeing to let my DC's partner stay over.

timelytess · 22/12/2015 02:01

Agree completely with timelytess, although I have a feeling that won't be a popular point of view

I'm always puzzled that my opinions seem out of line with those of the majority of MN posters

MidniteScribbler · 22/12/2015 02:20

If it's a genuine relationship then I would have no problem, assuming that they acted appropriately (go to your room if you want to muck around, don't start making out on the living room sofa), the partner was willing to pick up after themselves, speak to me with respect, not expect to eat me out of house and home or treat me like a slave. Keep the noise levels low (I don't want to hear it!). I'd also expect them to sit and have a meal and conversation at least in the initial stages of wanting to stay over, not just disappear in to their room and start banging the headboard. I'd also expect to be asked, not just rock up with someone. IF the partner is under 18, then I'd expect to have spoken to the other parent to make sure they are ok with it as well.

BTW, I'd expect the same behaviour of any partner of mine if they were to come to my house. I think respect goes both ways.

I think it comes down to raising your child to have respect for themselves, their partner, and also yourself as the homeowner and parent.

BitOfFun · 22/12/2015 02:23

I'm a bit perplexed at you referring to these people as "partners"; they are boyfriends/girlfriends, surely, if we are talking about under-18s? "Partners" to me implies that they are sharing a life together, ie they have moved out and are independent.

I wouldn't allow overnight stays, personally, unless there are some exceptional practical circumstances. That is a privilege that goes with adulthood and independence, to my mind. How the fuck else do you expect them to ever find the motivation to move out?

MsMims · 22/12/2015 02:34

I agree with your OH. 6 months is more than reasonable to show its not just a casual fling and avoids a stream of little known men/ women staying in your house.

Seren85 · 22/12/2015 02:39

It was always 6 months at my parents but can stay on the sofa bed. Let's be clear that this meant sex was had in my room with sneaking downstairs, sex downstairs and me sneaking upstairs or every afternoon post college before the parents were home. I wonder if some parents are more upset by the presumed intimacy of sharing a bed than the actual sex as surely if they are sexually active this won't be remotely dependant on being allowed to share a bed? Absolutely no judgement if so, my parents probably felt the same but just curious.

MidniteScribbler · 22/12/2015 02:44

I'm a bit perplexed at you referring to these people as "partners"; they are boyfriends/girlfriends, surely, if we are talking about under-18s?

I tend to use 'partner' as a bit more of a politically correct choice these days. It avoids worrying about whether someone is just dating, casual sex, long term, married, straight, gay, bi, everything else.

"Are you bringing your partner?" "Yes."

"Are you bringing your girlfriend?" "Actually I'm gay." "OK, are you bringing your boyfriend?" "We're married." "Fine, are you bringing your husband?" "He prefers the term life partner." "Whatever! Are they coming or not?"

sykadelic · 22/12/2015 03:04

My view is, this is their home... right, but it's also your DP's home and as his view is the least objectionable (waiting longer covers your date AND his date) then he "wins". You'd hope it's on a case-by-case basis thought and that 6 months isn't some magic number that once it ticks over it's okay. Ultimately, if they don't like the rules of the house then they can make their own rules in their own house.

As many others said, just walking into your house and up to your child's room is extremely disrespectful. I would expect to know their boyfriend/girlfriend [they're not a DP in as little as 3 months] and have them actually involved in life rather than a booty call.

I would hope your children are also respectful enough to not lie and breach your trust by sneaking someone in. Not sleeping in the same room and not having sex on one particular night isn't the end of the world, and someone feeling it is shows just how not serious (or stable) their relationship is.

Original poster

buckingfrolicks · 30/12/2015 17:29

really really helpful to hear other people's views.

As it turned out, my DD was appalled at the idea that her partner might stay the night; she feels that is not something she'd want to do for, yes, 'at least 6 months'. But I feel fine about my position, whcih was that I trust her judgement and if she wanted said partner (NOT a string of random people, but person Y, who I've heard about without cease for the last several months) to stay the night then that would be her judgement and I'd respect her judgement.

So all's well chez Frolicks - thanks again

OP posts:

nortonhouse · 30/12/2015 18:11

I guess you and I are just old-fashioned types, timelytess

Thunderblunder · 30/12/2015 18:18

Timelytess. DH and I were together 20 years and had 5 children before we got married. Would we have been able to sleep together in your house before we got married?
6 months into our relationship and DC1 was conceived.

JasperDamerel · 30/12/2015 18:21

DP's parents would hardly ever see their grandchildren if they insisted on separate rooms for unmarried partners. I suppose the mothers and children could go in the spare rooms and their sons could share a tent in the garden, but it would be a bit awkward.

Baressentials · 30/12/2015 18:39

What if your dc had brought their bf/gf round regularly for 3 months - so you had got to know them? Rather than your dc dating someone for 6 months but you had only met them once?
My eldest is 16 so I haven't had to face this yet. ~My gut instinct is that I will take any relationships he has on their own merits - but no one night stands in my home.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 30/12/2015 20:03

I can't imagine my children wanting to bring a casual fling over (but then they're still primary age!) but I'm pretty sure they would be too mortified to consider it.

I'd be fine with any length of relationship staying over - there's nothing wrong with casual sex, there's a lot wrong with being inconsiderate about it which is what would bother me more.

Iateallthemincepies · 30/12/2015 20:08

I'd wait until they're in the situation where the possibility arises.
DS 18 waited about 4 months until his GF stayed over, we'd met her plenty of times, she's shared lots of family meals and it seemed a natural progression.
Credit to DS, he asked our permission first and we had the contraception discussion.

louisejxxx · 30/12/2015 20:13

I wouldn't put a time frame on it per se, I would just want to feel comfortable in my own home while the extra person is saying..I would want to know them a bit iykwim? I wouldn't be impressed particularly if it was my first time of meeting them and they were staying, regardless of how long they'd been together.

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/12/2015 21:48

No sleepovers. If they're visiting from another town and staying, like for Christmas or something, then separate rooms unless and until they're married.

My mother always did this so maybe that's one of the reasons I would do the same when my dc get older.

JasperDamerel · 30/12/2015 22:23

What if they don't get married? Will you have a partner of 25 years in her his/her forties sleeping on the sofa?

LittleBeautyBelle · 30/12/2015 22:32

Yes. That happened at my mother's house with my sister and her partner of yes 25 years. He's always wanted to marry my sister but she is the most independent woman I know, can't really describe her actually, but there it is.

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