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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC's partners staying the night - DP and I disagree on what's right

90 replies

buckingfrolicks · 21/12/2015 20:52

My DP tells me that his view is our DCs, both almost 18, can only have their partners over to sleep the night, if they have been in that relationship for at least 6 months; or that they already live together (ie coming back to ours for a visit).

My view is, this is their home, I trust their judgement (they are both great kids) and if they chose to have a partner over for the night that's fine. I'd be a bit WTF if it was a one-night-stand, but not someone I know they have feelings for.

It isn't the sex he's objecting to, he's okay about them having a sex life, it's the sleeping over.

AIBU to argue about this with him, or is his view more usual than I think?

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 30/12/2015 22:33

And they're in their fifties.

SlaggyIsland · 30/12/2015 22:36

Until married? I wouldn't bother visiting then, and they could wonder why their kids didn't come to see them.

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/12/2015 00:17

The whole family comes to my parents' house for Christmas. There are six of us grown kids, plus our own families, and extended family. My sister and her partner do most of the cooking, including a deep fried turkey and ribs that my sister's partner does, they come very early and bring any special equipment like the fryer. They've done this for probably 20 years at least so I don't think they mind! Also, her partner's dad, sister, his two grown children from a previous marriage, and their families with two grandchildren. It's not a big deal Smile

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/12/2015 00:28

Fried turkey and ribs this year, every year they do something a little different. They also do the main cooking at Thanksgiving at my mother's!

We all get along really well. It may be that living in the south, in the US, it is more of an old fashioned mindset? I don't know. It's never been a problem. It's my mother's house, we respect our elders, an acknowledgement of the meaning of marriage, I'm not saying this well. Think the Andy Griffith show type culture, not sure how to explain it.

NadiaWadia · 31/12/2015 00:53

No idea who Andy Griffith is or anything about his show, most posters on here won't probably, as it is a UK site.

It does seem very strange about your sister and her partner of 25 years not being allowed to share a room. Doesn't your mother run out of bedrooms, apart from any else?

Still, as long as everyone's happy, it's fine I suppose.

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/12/2015 01:41

It's a big house, since all six of us kids grew up there plus our grandpa lived with us. And the sunroom has a place to sleep. There are eight grandchildren in all so they're all over the place too. It's very fun.

I realize people who live in the UK probably aren't familiar with that show, but just as I do if I want to look up something we don't have here, it can usually be found on youtube so that's why I mentioned it.

As I said, it's not a problem. We're all different with different ways of looking at things, for instance I think it's strange how casually people view sexual relationships. It doesn't really matter, we can still get along great and have different viewpoints. That's the beauty of living in the countries we both live in.

NadiaWadia · 31/12/2015 02:35

I just thought 'Andy Griffiths' was a bit of an obscure cultural reference, TBH. I have heard of a few US TV shows that aren't aired over here, but not that one. Don't think I'll bother looking for it on YouTube, though. I just thought because of that reference you might have mistakenly thought this was a US site?, however now I can see that is not the case.

Yes I agree the situation apparently doesn't seem a problem for your family, that's why I said 'so long as everyone's happy'. I suppose the main one it affects is your sister, but if she genuinely thinks it's fine, then it is of course.
Sounds like you all enjoyed your Christmas anyway.

NadiaWadia · 31/12/2015 02:53

Personally, in your sister's position after 25 YEARS for goodness sake, I would feel quite hurt and annoyed with your mother at not having my relationship validated. It has lasted longer than a lot of marriages do. But then, I'm not your sister, she quite probably looks at it a different way.

DyslexicScientist · 31/12/2015 04:36

3 months is casual sex?!

Tbh I'm quite relaxed about this. I dont think there is anything wrong with causal sex.

Once they are an adult its up to them to make their own choices. If they want to sleep with someone they have known for a few hours, they will. I'd rather they not feel the need to hide it and do it in a safe environment with protection. Probably not a common view here.

Baressentials · 31/12/2015 07:12

I don't think there is anything wrong with safe casual sex either. But I would still rather not have random women in my house of a morning when I have 3 younger dc around. Actually scratch that - even without the younger dc I still don't want to wake up and see someone I have never met before, and probably will never meet again, in my kitchen.
Though I can't imagine my eldest wanting (or thinking it is appropriate) to bring a one night stand back home for a night of raucous sex where his mum and 3 younger siblings are just across the landing!

Mistigri · 31/12/2015 07:40

Why do you need a rule in the first place? They are "great kids" - actually pretty much adults - who can presumably be trusted to be considerate and reasonable.

Your OH's rules just shriek controlling parent who doesn't trust his adult offspring.

allegretto · 31/12/2015 07:52

I wouldn't have a fixed time in mind but it would have to be someone I had been introduced to and liked. I wouldn't want someone I didn't know or like under my roof / bumping into me in my pjs!

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/12/2015 07:58

I think 3 months is fine, and I'd have to buy earplugs! [yuck]

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/12/2015 08:08

I was living XH, 8 months pg with DS1 and we had to sleep in separate rooms when we visited XFIL! Shock

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/12/2015 08:15

*living with

x2boys · 31/12/2015 08:21

what is acceptable though six weeks? ,two weeks? ,what amount of time would it be ok for dc to have boyfriends /girlfriends staying over?

AppleSetsSail · 31/12/2015 08:27

No fucking way are my kids bringing ladies home to their beds at 18. They can wait until they move out.

Vickymumof4 · 31/12/2015 08:28

This really has struck a chord with me today as yesterday I had a very abusive phone call from DS2 g/f's parents. We are having a party and DS2 asked if g/f could stay over (he is 17 she is 16) purely for the logistics of getting young girl home alone after late night. ( lives quite far and I would be uncomfortable her travelling alone in taxi) I had said yes but absolutely NOT in same room and she could go in room with DD. ( no chance of sneaking etc) and that I would obviously need to speak to her parents to make sure they knew where she was staying and to make sure it was ok. Phone call from mother who is going ballistic... What kind of family are we .. disgusting that we would allow this at their age blah blah ... vile language lots of name calling and no way to explain that it was perfectly innocent although did manage to half explain sleeping arrangements but she didn't listen (couldn't get a word in) resulting in Ds2 is forbidden from contacting this girl again ( her parents not us) and if he does they will call police:o he's really upset, doesn't know what he did that was so bad ( nothing imo) !

Iggi999 · 31/12/2015 08:32

I'm not sure I'd call 17 year old, still living at home dcs as "adult offspring". And agree their boyfriends or girlfriends are not partners!
The 25 year together thing would be an insult on their relationship in my book. I suppose the couple just have a laugh about how old fashioned their parents are and get on with it. My own pil have us separate airbeds (in separate rooms) until we bought a place together (so, several years in) I would not have put up with it for much longer tbh.

Hullygully · 31/12/2015 08:35

Like most things in life it's better not to have hard and fast rules. If you know and loke the gf/bf and they seem reasonably happy/settled together, why on earth not?

Also, what's this meeting over the breakfast table? None of my teens and their gf/bf ever surface until 11 at the earliest.

Hullygully · 31/12/2015 08:35

loke?

like

WhispersOfWickedness · 31/12/2015 08:59

I love this assumption that sleeping over means they will be having sex. My mother wouldn't let me stay at boyfriend's house or have him to sleep at home, but I could spend time with him alone during the day from 14/15. There seemed to be this assumption that people only have sex at night Confused When I was eventually allowed to sleep over, we used that time for sleeping; we had plenty of sex during the day when our parents were out though! Grin

Ohbehave1 · 31/12/2015 09:04

So they can have sex anywhere but the comfort and safety of their room. That makes sense ......

madmother1 · 31/12/2015 09:08

I work with a lady who doesn't allow her 30 year old DD's boyfriend stay over in the same room. I have tried to get her to be a bit more modern. No wonder their relationship is strained!

Headofthehive55 · 31/12/2015 09:15

Once they are 18, i think it's ok if it's a long lasting thing. My DD is allowed her BF to stay she is 20, but her BF is not allowed yet.

Hence she drives back off to student house with him. Which is bizarrely allowed.

I second the idea that they may just sleep, especially as our rooms share a wall. I don't think they are any more likely to let rip having sex than we are. If they did quite frankly, I would show them just how much noise you could make doing it! The only embarrassed faces would be theirs at the breakfast table!

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