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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
londonrach · 21/12/2015 19:33

Yabu in the way you dealt with this!

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 21/12/2015 19:33

I didn't turn round and call her a hussy

You didn't use that word but that was clearly what you meant with your bitching about her dressing too old, having her "backside hanging out" and cropped tops.

You behaved like a nasty bully.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 19:35

I disagree Fairycaravan - the more this thread progresses it's not the OP who is coming across as a bully, it's some posters.

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2015 19:35

You don't have to lie to be a bully. Sometimes, saying what you think is unnecessary, unkind and bullying - like when your niece gives her opinion on your dd's taste in clothes and you do exactly the same about your niece's! You behaved like little peas in a pod.

lighteningirl · 21/12/2015 19:38

Yorksha and others this is a perfectly reasonable aibu not everyone has said yabu there is a mix of responses once again op yanbu sil failed to discipline her bullying brat you stood up for your dd possibly could have been worded better but possibly not hopefully horrible brat and her dm will listen and change their codependent behaviour and if not at least your dd knows she has a tigress wondermum who will defend her Flowers

pretend · 21/12/2015 19:39

Get off the bandwagon vipers.

You're getting a flaming OP. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Nothing to be gained by staying around here.

Enjolrass · 21/12/2015 19:39

OP of you had said 'how would you like it if someone insulted your outfit'

I would be with you.

What you said went to far.

It also showed exactly what your opinion of your sil and her dd is. And has been for while.

TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 19:39

Elf if it was constant yes, one day of snapping no

foxessocks · 21/12/2015 19:39

I agree with pps. Should have told her she was being unkind and that your dd looks lovely as usual or something like that but definitely don't stoop to her level. She's a child and you're an adult who should know better surely?

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 19:39

It's done now.
I'd concentrate your energies on your daughter now.
Sat there letting her cousin be rude to her AGAIN, nearly crying, but just taking it? So she didn't look stupid in front of family?

Best thing you can do now is talk to your daughter about speaking up. That she doesn't have to take the bullying. That it doesn't matter WHAT family think if she tells her cousin (or anyone else) not to be rude to her. Talk to her about what she could say. Make sure she knows that if her cousin had continued to be rude after SHE told her to stop, that you would have backed her all the way if she said "I won't tolerate your rudeness, I am moving to another table to finish my dinner in polite company and I don't want to spend time with you again".

This had been going on far too long, from what you've said.

StephC1987 · 21/12/2015 19:40

Hmmm it's a tricky one! It's always advises to be the adult/take the high road...possibly taking your DS aside & explaining to her why it's wrong to say what says & you won't be putting up with it etc.

But sometimes kids are horrible & mean & a shock like that maybe is just what she needs to make her realise/stop.

Sorry but 8 year olds are far more clever/manipulative than we give them credit for. I would have never done/said that when I was eight.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 19:43

it's not the OP who is coming across as a bully, it's some posters.

^^I agree with this. Some very harsh and ott posts on here which just seem seriously misplaced and unnecessary.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 19:45

Oh, give over! So much sanctimony on this thread.

So you think anyone who finds these descriptions offensive is sanctimonious, vague?

Little madam
Hard faced
Little horror of a child
Nasty little witch
Nasty brat of a cousin

Guess that makes me sanctimonious, then Hmm

lastqueenofscotland · 21/12/2015 19:47

Yes calling an 8 year old a nasty little witch is really toxic, especially as the op has had time to calm down from the incident.

Snowglobe1 · 21/12/2015 19:47

YABVU. I'd certainly have spoken up, and told SIL thar unless the behaviour stopped ASAP then contact would be reduced, but you behaved worse than the 8 year old.

chillycurtains · 21/12/2015 19:52

Yeah, you kinda of undermined your own very valid point but doing exactly what you were telling her not to do. Your niece's clothing choices really had nothing to do with it. Why mention them apart from the fact you lost your temper. I would be upset if I was her mum. Not because you told her off when she was being nasty and unkind but because you were exactly that.

Imo I would actually go so far as to go round (in person if possible) and talk to your niece and apologise for your personal comments about her appearance but explain that you got very cross as her own comments about your DD's clothing had been upsetting your DD for a while now and yesterday upset you both. I think you may find it stops after that. It is not backing down but it is explaining the real issue of her rudeness.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 21/12/2015 19:56

I think most of the 'vile, nasty bullies' seem to be posting here. Jesus, some of these replies are truly hilarious in their indignation.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2015 19:57

Sadmother
Your niece may be a horror, hard-faced and cheeky, but she is 8

Being 8 is not an excuse.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 19:59

Yep agree there MrsRyanG - ironic isn't it, given what they are criticising the OP for.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 19:59

It may not be an excuse, but what excuse does the OP have for doing to her niece exactly what she was calling her out for?

Topseyt · 21/12/2015 20:00

All you needed to say was:

"I am not impressed by your behaviour. Criticising people's choice of clothes in public is mean and horrible. I hope I don't hear it from you again."

Instead, you stooped to her standards and so lost any moral high ground.

Saying that in front of her parents and in public at the table would have taken the wind right out of your niece's sails. So what if he mother didn't like it.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 21/12/2015 20:01

You probably shouldn't have said what you said, but I couldn't honestly say if I thought my child was being bullied and my diplomatic approach wasn't working, I wouldn't hit the child where it hurts (in this case her dress sense). It's not right but when it comes to our children, some of us might be tempted to sink to that level I'm already there, come join me

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2015 20:03

SuburbanRhonda

I am not going to even try and excuse the OP, I am just pointing out that being 8 is not an excuse.

VulcanWoman · 21/12/2015 20:04

Yes it needed nipping in the bud the first time it happened really, with SIL support, without the return insults if possible. I would be spending as little time as possible with the little brat in the future if it carries on any more.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/12/2015 20:04

Charlotte - what will you do in the future to deal with this problem?

Are you going to avoid them altogether? Spend less time with them? Are you going to tell your SIL that you will not tolerate your niece's nastiness any more, and that you will not be spending time with them if she cannot control her child's behaviour?

If you do spend time with them, and your niece starts bullying your dd again, what will you do and say?

I hope that you will stand up for your dd again, but that you will remember this thread and will be firm but without stooping to her unkind level. Be direct, by all means - tell her that what she is doing is bullying, and is mean and unkind - but don't say nasty things to her about herself.

The adult approach to an issue like this is to address the behaviour, not the person - it is what I have tried to do with my children - for example, you tell a child,that they have done something naughty, not that they are naughty.

I think you might want to apologise to your niece - say that you are sorry for saying unkind things about her clothes, but that you are not sorry for being cross with her, because her behaviour was very unkind to your dd, and you will not accept that.

You say your dd knows that good people can lose their tempers when pushed - I think you also need to show her that good people know when they need to apologise, and are big enough to do so.

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