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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
CherryPits · 21/12/2015 19:16

yes, its 50/50
You should have told the niece that criticizing others clothes or appearance is rude and you don't want her doing it again.
You didn't have to insult what she wears. You are reinforcing her behavior by showing a bad example.

IguanaTail · 21/12/2015 19:16

I don't think you're a childish monster and I can see why you lost your cool. But I think this has been left to fester and get bigger and bigger and could have been resolved earlier before you snapped and also better.

Minibelle · 21/12/2015 19:17

Your niece sounds horrible but so do you tbh. Way to go you've set a brilliant example for your dd.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/12/2015 19:17

The niece sounds like a brat. You sound like an adult who bullied an eight year old.

Yabu.

LuciaInFurs · 21/12/2015 19:18

YANBU.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 21/12/2015 19:19

OP didnt bully - a bully continues on a day to day basis consistantly undermining and causing upset to feel powerful.
OP snapped.

Only1scoop · 21/12/2015 19:20

Yabu to say that in earshot of an 8yo however her DM is clearly unreasonable for not pulling her up for her meanness.

You have ended up looking like the petty mean one IMO

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 19:21

Actually OP, though I agree you said the wrong thing and could definitely have handled it much better, I understand why you snapped. True, most people would have snapped and told her not to behave like a mean girl bully that rather than picking on her appearance... That wasn't a good idea... obviously.

Anyway, I think you did go OTT but you could have been worse. I am sure some people do say and do a lot worse to children. I don't think you deserve some of the harsher comments on here. Clearly this wasn't your finest hour, but it's not a hanging offence.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/12/2015 19:21

Yet more pearls of wisdom fromTali I see Hmm

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 19:21

Also don't think you are a bully op.

ToddlerTantrums · 21/12/2015 19:22

When you sit and think about it it probably wasn't the best thing to say but I think I'd have done the same if you've pulled her and SiL a few times with no results. Yes it's not great but sometimes people do lose patience

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 19:22

My dd is old enough and wise enough to know that as her mother i'm usually a very composed and patient person but like everyone I slip occasionally and say something that maybe I shouldn't. My dd's moral compass isn't suddenly going to turn south simply because I put her nasty brat of a cousin in her place one time, she knows me better than that and is quite grateful that I stood up for her when she was literally sat there with tears in her eyes trying to fight them back so that she didn't look stupid in front of all the family (her own words).

OP posts:
Minibelle · 21/12/2015 19:24

You've taught your dd to stoop to their level. I'd prefer to teach my dc how to stand up for themselves without resorting to personal insults.

Just admit you've been a dick op, or are you one of those people where everyone else is wrong?

Lunawolf · 21/12/2015 19:26

YANBU! Good for you for standing up for your DD.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 19:26

like everyone I slip occasionally and say something that maybe I shouldn't.

But this isn't occasionally, is it OP? You lost your rag with her and humiliated her in public and you continue to use nasty insults about her on this thread.

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2015 19:27

You were unreasonable, as a child picking on another child's clothing sense is not the same thing as an adult doing it. The ring of authority and sincerity that an adult has can cut deep, whereas another child can just be seen as behaving like a nasty little madam who is hurtful but need not be taken seriously. You don't actually know whether or not you upset your niece, because she wouldn't want to show you, but you obviously wanted to upset her and it is highly likely that you did.

You really shouldn't need to resort to bullying an eight year old to get your point across: what you said would have been OK as your ten year old's retaliation, given the provocation, but not as an adult's response to an immature eight year old girl who is trying too hard to come across as older and more sophisticated than your dd because, actually, she knows she is two years younger and doesn't want to be seen as a baby. She deserved to be told off by you, but on the grounds that commenting rudely on other people's taste in clothes is always rude, always unnecessary and always hurtful. You have now made it acceptable for rude comments to be passed.

RudeElf · 21/12/2015 19:28

Why do you keep putting your DD in a position to be bullied by this girl when you say yourself you've repeatedly asked the girl and her mother to put a stop to it and it hasnt happened? Why do you keep meeting up with them? If it happened to my son a second time after i'd asked it to stop i wouldnt put him through it for a third.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/12/2015 19:28

You didnt handle it in the best way possible, but I can understand you lost your temper. Although you should have directed it at your SIL and her ineffectual parenting.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 19:29

Nobody's saying you shouldn't have stood up for your dd- of course you should.

It's what you said that's the issue. And I suspect you know that- or why would you have posted?

Thingschangingagain · 21/12/2015 19:29

OP, you should've snapped at SIL, not DN. She is only eight. And the words you are using to describe DN, and your posts, don't in any wAy make it sound like you feel you, 'said something you shouldn't have.'

janethegirl2 · 21/12/2015 19:29

OP you are not a bully, as long as the facts are as you stated, you were being factual.

If your dneice or dsis didn't deal with the issue earlier, this may force them to sort it out.

TheFairyCaravan · 21/12/2015 19:31

As this thread progresses you are making yourself look worse OP!

Believeitornot · 21/12/2015 19:31

I think I would have made the niece think a bit I.e. Challenge her to think about how her words might sound to someone else. Not mentioned her attire.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/12/2015 19:32

Part of me says 'good on you' OP - it's horrible when our dc are upset by others being mean to them with no repercussions from their parents.

Officially, yabu though Wink but you don't deserve the utter pasting you're getting here.

VagueIdeas · 21/12/2015 19:32

But this isn't occasionally, is it OP? You lost your rag with her and humiliated her in public and you continue to use nasty insults about her on this thread.

Oh, give over! So much sanctimony on this thread. OP blew up in front of her niece ^once*. Her choice of words in this thread doesn't prove that she loses her rag with her niece regularly.

Well FWIW OP, I'm finding it very hard to get angry with what you said. Your niece has been absolutely vile, your SIL has been totally inadequate and you lost your rag. Ok, so you might have said a few regretful things, but somehow I doubt niece will have the gall to bully your DD any more.

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