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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
BuildMoreHouses · 22/12/2015 18:01

It's great being an adult as I get to choose not to be around those intent on making the battles in the first place.

Taunting is never decent behaviour.

Brioche201 · 22/12/2015 18:03

Who is blaming the OP's DD? Saying she should be encouraged to stand up for herself a bit rather than dissolving into tears, is not blaming?Can you really not tell the difference?

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 18:09

You're saying the problem is her reaction not the bullies behaviour

Brioche201 · 22/12/2015 18:11

You're saying the problem is her reaction not the bullies behaviour

Am I? where did I say that?

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 18:16

Why do people persist in calling the OP's DD a "victim"?

I've anything is going to make her less able to build resilience it's that label.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 18:16

She has been a victim of bullying.

PrimeDirective · 22/12/2015 18:17

Some 8 year olds are just nasty there isn't always a reason
It is very sad that people actually believe that. You've heard the OP describe her parents. Do you not think they are a factor in this girl's behaviour?

Have you had to watch your child change from a confident sociable pleasant little boy into an anxiety fueled boy scared to go out of the house? Have you had to mop up the physical and emotional scars on your child?
Yes I have- and it's never lead me to want to bully an 8yr old child in return!
Becuase I know it would never help!

And If I was in a situation where my child was being bullied that badly by another child in the family, I would remove them from the situation! Why on earth would any parent keep taking their child back for more?

MamaLazarou · 22/12/2015 18:19

YABU, what an unpleasant thing to say to an 8-yr-old child.

laughingatweather · 22/12/2015 18:19

I've skimmed the thread and don't think anyone said the OPs DD response was the problem (I may have seen that if I'd read each post in its entirety) but a conversation around bullying, resilience and how hurtful it can be to have your clothes/appearance commented on and how it really isn't important would be great.

If OP hadn't commented on the DN clothing/appearence and made it clear that it IS a way of negatively judging someone.

That's where the problem is. You can't say 'it's hurtful and really not important' while doing it yourself as an adult. And from OPs account it wasn't a blurting out of nonsense, it's clear that she's thought this for a while. Judging the child on her clothing/appearence.

Leafitout · 22/12/2015 18:24

Yanbu. If your dn feels adult enough to make those comments to your dd then she should be adult enough to receive an adult telling off.

enderwoman · 22/12/2015 18:25

I'm really surprised by these responses.

If dd ripped her cousin a new one she'd be the bully (especially ads he's older.)

Just because other people are bitchy it doesn't mean that others have to tolerate it.

Have you see the movie Mean Girls OP? The Queen Bee in that movie is called Regina George and a major reason why she acts bitchy is because she is overindulged and her mother wants to be her friend not mother. I bet if you watched it with your dd you'd recognise the situation.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 22/12/2015 18:26

OP, I'd have lost my rag in your situation if I'd tried the mature way and it hadn't worked. But I'd have directed it at the mother as she was sat right there. I'd have asked her if she fancied doing any parenting any time soon and made it clear that if she carried on allowing her child to bully yours, you'd take steps to stop them being around each other.

Shame her into parenting by all means, but don't set out to shatter the self confidence of an 8 year old.

BadLad · 22/12/2015 18:29

Yanbu. If your dn feels adult enough to make those comments to your dd then she should be adult enough to receive an adult telling off

Yep. The OP should give her an adult telling off if it happens again, and not what she did this time.

enderwoman · 22/12/2015 18:32

There was an interesting thread a few months ago about how a lot of Alpha children have alpha parents who don't sort out their children's behaviour because they are proud of their kids being alpha.

What does your daughter's father think? Has he told his brother and SiL not to pick on his daughter?

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 22/12/2015 18:33

So this child has been goading your child for a while
The Mother wouldn't address the problem
The Mother thought your child was over reacting when your husband spoke to her
You snapped
I'd have snapped too

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2015 18:40

Pretty much sums it up * Gwyneth.

I'd have bloody snapped too. This was most definitely not a one off event.

Some people on MN are clearly holier than others.

The dn even laughed after op was apparently so outrageous to her. I think people here need to reconsider who the victim is.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/12/2015 18:57

I'm still with you OP. That 8 year old sounds like a right handful and the whole family sound to be best avoided. Let her be her parents problem as they've created it. She has more front than Blackpool! Laughing in your face. Good grief!!

Now I see PP's are blaming you for not encouraging your DD to stand up for herself?!? These rude, nasty comments from your niece have been going on for ages. She is a bully. How can this possibly then turn to your parenting of your daughter being questioned (sticking up for oneself)?!

I assume your DD had quite enough of it, has had you. Good on you. Don't regret it. For all those seemingly worried about the feelings of the bully - it sounds to me like it was water off a ducks back. Tough if it wasn't.

Don't bother making plans to see them again. You have nothing in common with them and they're clearly from a different crop.

And I hope you're daughter continues to enjoy shopping for her lovely clothes.

I'd get this thread pulled. It's not nice for you reading oppressive comments in the run up to what I hope you will be a lovely Christmas for you. Yes, I know you posted the thread but it was probably to get some support but some comments will make you upset.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 19:34

Now I see PP's are blaming you for not encouraging your DD to stand up for herself?!

Way to completely misread advice about giving a child life skills to help her cope with conflict in life, james.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/12/2015 20:38

Way to divert blame off the bully's behaviour........

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 20:47

So you think not helping children develop skills to help them cope with life's difficulties is the best way forward? Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2015 20:51

It's not a binary issue though, is it,James - it's not a simple as 'Niece bad therefore OP good'. The niece's behaviour is unquestionably nasty and bullying - but that doesn't automatically mean that the OP's behaviour was good, in that situation.

IMO, both behaved badly. The niece needed putting straight and the Op's dd needed her mum to stand up for her - and I don't blame the OP for losing her temper - but that doesn't mean that what she said was acceptable.

She wants this girl to stop saying nasty things about her dd's clothing - but it is OK for her to say nasty things about the niece's clothing. That is rank hypocrisy - and it is wanting better behaviour from an 8-year-old than the OP, an adult, can manage.

rosebiggs · 22/12/2015 20:53

I'm wondering why the wider family have allowed dn's behaviour to continue if she is being as unkind as the op suggests. Presumably other family members have witnessed this also?

PrimeDirective · 22/12/2015 21:45

If your dn feels adult enough to make those comments to your dd then she should be adult enough to receive an adult telling off
She didn't get an adult telling off, she got an adult slagging off.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 22:46

Being reduced to tears by a cousin 2 years younger than her teasing her about her clothes is a bit wet.I guess she is Y6 and strarting secondary school soon.She needs to toughen up a bit!!

And there we go, its bingo! All the victim of a bully has to do is toughen up a bit, why didnt I think of that as a 10 year old bully systematically destroyed our lives!! That attitude absolutely disgusts me and is the ultimate in victim blaming. On a site that prides itself on "we believe you" etc when it comes to adults, all of a sudden children that are bullied should "toughen up". Appalling attitude.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 22:48

Yes I have- and it's never lead me to want to bully an 8yr old child in return!

And I didnt say it was an excuse prime - just a reason that the OP snapped.