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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/12/2015 12:39

I think some of you should be grateful you havent encountered bullying. It destroys children chip by chip ... my DD was no wallflower yet the impact is huge.
DD should be treated with love and respect from her cousin. SIL should stand up and parent. DN is the boss in that house!!
OP ... remember she will grow into the demanding teen from hell. ...

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 12:40

Because every mother who has said something bitchy and unkind to an eight year old MUST be in the right. Hmm

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 12:44

Sally agreed. Bullying is awful and I don't understand why some people don't see that some kids are vile

PrimeDirective · 22/12/2015 12:46

I've already said that I have never spoken to a child like that before so please, do not make out that I think this type of "discipline" is ok to use on a regular basis, I slipped once!
but you are planning on doing the same again
from now on will put her straight whether she likes it or not!

she has learnt this kind of behaviour from her mother not me.
And your DD will learn the same from you.

Do everyone a favour and don't spend time with this part of the family.
You will NEVER teach anyone to be nice, by being horrible to them.
I think you need to teach your DD more constructive responses like, "Please don't say things like that, it's hurtful and rude'

I feel sorry for your DN. It sounds like none of the adults around her provide her much love, guidance and support.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 12:47

Sallyhasleftthebuilding - I think there are very few people in the world who have never been subjected to any kind of bullying.

Bambambini · 22/12/2015 12:47

"Erm, because she cries when a younger child criticises her dress sense. People who are happy with what they wear rarely do that."

Of course it must be that rather than having someone who can be nasty targetting you and having dig after dig to get at you. Those folk just don't exist.

Bambambini · 22/12/2015 12:51

""Please don't say things like that, it's hurtful and rude'"

Yes, this would definitely have worked with some of the rough bullies i knew growing up. They would have apologised and backed off shamefacedly and learned the error of their ways.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 12:51

I don't understand why some people don't see that some kids are vile

Hopefully your teacher training will put you straight about the fact that labelling behaviour, and not the child, is the way adults are expected to deal with these situations.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 12:52

As the parent, why on earth are you not teaching your DD resilience?

Oh yes because its always the victim of the bullies own fault isnt it when they are bullied, for not being "strong" enough to cope with it eh? Hmm

No wonder bullying doesn't get taken seriously enough that some children have to resort to suicide because they cant take it anymore when this kind of attitude still gets banded around. Your child is being bullied? Well its their own fault for being too much of a victim and too sensitive - and their parents fault for not teaching them to stand up for themselves, makes me furious. And people making excuses for the bully, never mind the ridiculous accusations of "slut shaming" here the victim blaming attitudes are terrible.Angry

Obviously not everyone thinks like this but I can speak from personal experience that a lot do, well at least until it affects their own child.

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 12:57

I think there are very few people in the world who have never been subjected to any kind of bullying.

Have you had to move house and nearly have a bully destroy your marriage? Have you had to watch your child change from a confident sociable pleasant little boy into an anxiety fueled boy scared to go out of the house? Have you had to mop up the physical and emotional scars on your child? I could go on but you get the picture. That is the reality of your child being bullied. All caused by another child. So no I have no sympathy for bullies at all, and wouldnt wish it on anyone, even the people here trying to minimise bullying behaviour and victim blaming.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2015 12:58

"Well I'll think on before commenting on her clothes as she is clearly hard faced and isn't bothered anyway. I'll have to resort back to the softly softly approach so not to offend anyone but I suspect that won't work either as I've tried it before."

But Charlotte - those aren't the only two options, are they? People, myself included, have made other suggestions.

You can be direct, use a sharp tone of voice - say something like "It is really nasty to bully people, dniece - do you want people to think you are a bully?"

And talk to your SIL in the same direct manner - point out that her dd is being a bully to yours, and tell her that, unless she starts being an effective parent, and nipping this behaviour in the bud, you and your dd will not be spending any more time with them than you absolutely have to.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 12:59

suburban and that kind of crap is why people are allowed to get away with it

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 13:00

Laguna I am so sorry for your boy snd hope he is no longer being bullied.

Can't stand the attitudes on this thread. Bullies are twats.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 13:01

You can be direct, use a sharp tone of voice - say something like "It is really nasty to bully people, dniece - do you want people to think you are a bully?"

If that worked no one would get bullied would they

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 13:01

You can be direct, use a sharp tone of voice - say something like "It is really nasty to bully people, dniece - do you want people to think you are a bully?"

We are all human and can "crack" but this is how I would approach it. I agree with SDTG about speaking to SIL.

OP are you scared of speaking to your SIL about her DDs behaviour?

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 13:03

laguna you have spectacularly missed the point there. Teaching a child life skills such as resilience means they are better able to cope when life throws them a curve ball, whether that is bullying or a bereavement. How anyone can think that learning to cope makes these things somehow your own fault is baffling.

SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 13:03

As the parent, why on earth are you not teaching your DD resilience?

Oh yes because its always the victim of the bullies own fault isnt it when they are bullied, for not being "strong" enough to cope with it eh?

Of course not. But you do have to try and teach/prepare your kids for dealing with situations where someone is being mean. All the op has said is that she has spoken to SIL and that her DD has sat and listened and ended up in tears.

The DD also needs help and advice on how to best deal with people like this girl, which it doesn't sound like the op is providing. The op is too involved with jumping in and slinging abuse back at an 8 year old.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 13:05

The OP jumped in after it had gone on for a while. It's not the first time

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 13:05

Thanks Tali, thankfully no because it was my next door neighbours child and moving away stopped that. We did try the speaking to bully and parents route, which is why I would always suggest starting with that. But that didnt work, but I guess its reasonable to start. Bully got a social worker and had a difficult childhood. That I understand - but it didnt give him an excuse to contribute to misery in my sons childhood but it was almost like everything he did - every punch, kick, name calling was excused because he was "just a child". He was 10. Child bullies often grow up into adult bullies.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 22/12/2015 13:07

It wasn't your finest hour op, that's for sure, but I can't say I'd blame you too much tbh. I am quite a 'cross my DC at your peril' mom... I would have reacted strongly the first time, but towards the dc's parents, loudly and proudly in the hope that it would at least shame them into action. If there had been a second occurrence then that would have been the last we saw of them. Why do you keep offering up your DD to this bully? Fuck 'family' if family are treating you/yours so dreadfully.

Crazypetlady · 22/12/2015 13:07

There is a lot of sanctimonious people on this thread. I agree o.p could have handl;ed it differently but her niece sounds veryn unpleasant and I feel very sorry for the o.p's dd.

Some 8 year olds are just nasty there isn't always a reason for things and after a high level of cruelty from the o.p's niece I can see why she snapped.

There is nothing wrong with crop tops or leggings on older people but I do think it is wrong for an eight year old. It is the parents responsibility though not the child.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/12/2015 13:07

Have you had to watch your child change from a confident sociable pleasant little boy into an anxiety fueled boy scared to go out of the house? Have you had to mop up the physical and emotional scars on your child?

This with knobs on.

Unreasonablebetty · 22/12/2015 13:07

Not sure she needed telling about her own clothes, but you were perfectly reasonable to tell her that your DD dresses lovely and for her age, and if she doesn't like it then she needs to keep her opinion to herself.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 13:08

Laguna glad it's sorted. It's not okay because they're "just a child". What about the child being bullied?! Bullying was the trigger for my first depressive episode and a condition I now have to live with. If someone had dealt with it rather than "oh it's just kids! Let's nicely ask them not to" I wouldn't have had years of anxiety.

Obviously try to deal with it nicely but sometimes it doesn't work and I have sympathy with the victim not the twat who is bullying someone. If you're old enough to be a bully you're old enough to take it

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 13:09

But you do have to try and teach/prepare your kids for dealing with situations where someone is being mean

Which I did. Doesn't stop a bully bullying though does it? How much "resilience" does a child need to cope with a constant stream of emotional and physical abuse from another child before it's not their fault for not having enough "resilience".