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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
Moln · 22/12/2015 11:27

If you and your dd have tried shutting her down when she starts then I'd just never met them again.

Sorry to ask again but what's the situation with the dad's? What do they do about it?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/12/2015 11:28

Ugh, you're just awful op. The way you describe your niece is disgusting. She's eight for goodness sake. Grow up!

gandalf456 · 22/12/2015 11:28

I don't think there's anything thing you can do to change her behaviour. That is up to her parents who clearly have no problem with it. If you try, you are going to get sucked into a cycle of name calling. Maybe work on your DD so it doesn't bother her do much. With my dd, I kind of make a joke of it and make her laugh and I'll explain how silly and pathetic she is for finding what she wears so important

gandalf456 · 22/12/2015 11:29

The other girl, not my dd

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:30

You're not saying you snapped once because your DD was upset. If you were, you would be expressing regret for having lost control and behaved badly, regardless of the reason. You clearly don't regret what you did, otherwise you wouldn't have backed up your actions by insulting your niece repeatedly on this thread and saying you would do it again if necessary.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:32

unlovable?

WTAF? Shock

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:35

Well I can only apologise for speaking the truth Paul but I don't tell lies and I whilst I realise that there are times were one needs to be tactful, yesterday wasn't one of them, when my dd was sat there with tears in her eyes, my niece got what she deserved, end of. And as for the dads my dh has spoke to his sister before and he pulled her aide yesterday when they were at the bar but she'd had a few drinks and told dh that he was over reacting. My BiL isn't really that Interested in anyone but himself so we have never broached the subject with him, there really is no point.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 22/12/2015 11:35

PaulAnkaTheDog Nah, kids can be assholes. You do not have to be scared to say it. Seriously, we are all between adults here, we can all admit on finding some children loathsome, or horrible little bullies. Does not mean that you are going to dropkick them when you see them, just that some kids are not lovable.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 11:38

It could be a jealousy thing. Your dd's clothes sound quite smart and expensive, whereas leggings and crop tops for little girls can be bought very cheap. If the atmosphere exudes general dislike and disapproval every time you see each other, it isn't going to bring out the best in anyone.

Bambambini · 22/12/2015 11:38

Well yes, on this thread - you are one of them Rhonda - God, you do bang on.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:39

Thank you, someone who doesn't resort to calling me vile and actually speaks some sense, oh and who dares to speak the truth. You're right, some children aren't lovable little delicate snowflakes, some can be positively nasty and vile, sometimes it's not their fault as it's learnt behaviour from the parents but others they are just horrid and take pleasure in putting other children down.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:40

God, you do bang on.

Grin
PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/12/2015 11:42

Yeah some kids can be awful but the op's never ending list of insults for an eight year old is disgusting.

Why did you post here anyway? 'My niece got what she deserved, end of.' It has been almost a unanimous YABU and behaved like a bitch, yet you still won't back down? Seems like You're proud of insulting a child in such an awful manner, which is pathetic. I would have hoped you'd have seen by now how awful you were but nope! Still think shaming and insulting an eight year old is appropriate behaviour for an adult.

ouryve · 22/12/2015 11:46

You know, there are many, many places in between retaliatory bitching and "softly softly." SDGT outlined perfectly, last night, what you need to say and do to be assertive. Assertive is not the same as aggressive.

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2015 11:56

No wonder dn can get away with being a bully if your bil can't be bothered with anyone but himself and sil heard the bullying but chose to ignore it.

Dn doesn't stand a chance. She sounds an utterly vile child though.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 12:01

Her behaviour certainly sounds vile.

Of course it's impossible to know what kind of child she is as we only have the OP's somewhat biased view to go on.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 12:01

I seriously doubt this eight year old girl is evil personified... To justify yourself by claiming it is the truth that your niece is nasty and vile and basically unloveable does you no credit whatsoever, OP.

Waltermittythesequel · 22/12/2015 12:02

Your dd needs to stop being a special snowflake and start wearing decent clothes...

Now, I've said that about a ten year old ^ not very nice, is it?

But saying worse about an 8 year old is fine?

She didn't get back what she was giving out. She got an adult saying horrible things to her. An adult who should know better. An aunt who should love her.

It's not her fault you're a - well, I don't want to get deleted.

WhatamessIgotinto · 22/12/2015 12:06

she is a CHILD!

So is your niece. Yet you've admitted trying to embarrass her and you've called her some really unpleasant names on here.

I think you were right to take her to task but I really cannot stand adults calling children names. You need to have a conversation with you in laws. Or just don't see them if you are unable to deal with this in an adult way.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/12/2015 12:08

Sounds as if you don't like the DN or your SIL and don't approve of them etc so when an excuse came to rip into them both, you did it.

SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 12:30

my niece got what she deserved, end of

That's pathetic op. You've learnt nothing from this thread at all. And the fact that you're so illogical about your response makes me doubt the actual facts tbh.

I wonder what the other mums AIBU would be? Maybe:

I have an 8 year old dd and my SIL has a 10 year old dd. They see each other regularly and generally get on OK, but have started to get to the age where they're squabbling and sniping at each other sometimes. They often argue about clothes, like who has the best top on or the nicest dress and I tend to try and leave them to it rather than butting in all the time

The problem is though, that although both girls give as good as they get, SIL's DD is a crier and frequently will run to her mum telling her that DD has said XYZ to her and SIL completely involves herself in these squabbles rather than letting kids be kids and sort it out. Over the past few months, SIL has told me at least five times that DD made DNeice cry, but it's just normal kids stuff, nothing terrible - but DNeice is very, very sensitive. I've spoken to DD a couple of times, but none of the things that have made DNeice cry are that serious and I've heard DNeice say the same kinds of things to DD (although obviously not within her mums hearing!). It's just that DD doesn't cry over them so they're not seen as serious

The other night we were at a restaurant and the girls started squabbling again. I heard DD say 'Your top is stupid anyway to DNeice and was just on the point of interjecting when SIL jumped in with a stream of abuse at DD, telling her that at least her DD wore stylish clothes rather than walking around in tops and leggings with her belly and bum hanging out! She was really aggressive and DNeice was sat there smugly with an Oh-look-you're-in-trouble look on her face*

DD outwardly laughed and tried to take it on the chin but she's only EIGHT and is very upset. And she doesn't wear clothes with her belly and bum hanging out anyway, they're just not the expensive clothes that SIL buys so obviously not as 'stylish'. AIBU to be furious that a supposed grown woman attacked my dd in this way?

What do you think op?

HamaTime · 22/12/2015 12:33

She picks I'd say 90% of her clothes herself as she loves to go shopping and I want to allow her independence so how could she not be happy with what she wears?

Erm, because she cries when a younger child criticises her dress sense. People who are happy with what they wear rarely do that. FWIW I also wore what I knew my mother would approve of and pretended to like it because I didn't want the criticism that was levelled at other girls who were 'silly' or 'attention seeking'. I wanted approval, and I got it but it didn't come for free.

Well I'll think on before commenting on her clothes as she is clearly hard faced and isn't bothered anyway. I'll have to resort back to the softly softly approach so not to offend anyone but I suspect that won't work either as I've tried it before.

Or you could, you know, do something that works like "DN, DD is older than you so naturally dresses a differently from little girls like you.' Or 'DN, wind your neck in. You're getting too big to make silly remarks about peoples appearances.' Or you could stop meeting them and subjecting your dd to the 'constant' bullying that she is getting instead of dragging her with you and then not intervening when the girls were sat next to each other. Why the hell would you set her up for it when it's happened so many times before? Acting like a dick and cementing every negative thought your dn has about your dd is hardly your only option.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/12/2015 12:33

SummerNights that sounds far more plausible to me.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/12/2015 12:34

Summer i phrased the reverse scenario some pages back but OP eother missed this or just and it seems is happy to shame and upset a child even one who is a brat.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 12:36

Because every child that's being bullied MUST also be bullying the bully. Hmm

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