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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:52

No, I'm not training to be a teacher. My nieces response?....she smirked in my face and then laughed! She didn't start to cry (not that was the reaction I was looking for before anyone jumps on me, again!) she didn't turn to her mum cowering saying mean old auntie Charlotte just told me off, she truly was not arsed! She is a child, that's a given but she's not a very nice child. She speaks to my SiL like dirt too and rules the house, she has learnt this kind of behaviour from her mother not me.

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 09:53

do not make out that I think this type of "discipline" is ok to use on a regular basis, I slipped once

Then stop defending your behaviour. YOU are the one who keeps saying things like 'i'll carry on putting her in her place in future' and you keep listing the reasons why what you did was OK. It wasn't OK and like the pp said, ALL of your posts have a 'well she started it' tone, which is pathetic.

Just admit that you responded in an awful, inappropriate way and resolve to not do the same again. You asked if you were BU and the overwhelming majority response is that you WERE.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:56

I am teaching her resilience, and like I said she usually just brushes off teasing and gets on with things but she's a sensitive child, I can't help that and she's told her cousin to leave her alone many times and even told my SiL what her cousin is doing but nothing gets done, no wonder my dd is fed up of trying.

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 10:00

she smirked in my face and then laughed!

Which is the response you deserved. It's a like-for-like childs response. And what did you do? Turned away boiling with anger I suspect - what did you achieve? Starting an argument with an 8 year old will achieve precisely nothing.

OK so some constructive advice. I would have told the girl that what she was saying was unpleasant and mean, and that if she had nothing nice to say then she should keep quiet.

Not in a wishy washy tone and a 'Oh please sweetie' way, but in a no-nonsense voice and with my best [death stare].

If she carried on I would have paid close attention, interrupted her every time she started to speak to dd and moved dd away from her if possible by changing seats. And then told her that I did not accept the sort of comments she was making from dd and would not be accepting them from her and that she was not to talk to dd for the rest of the meal.

mouldycheesefan · 22/12/2015 10:03

She hasn't learned that what she did was wrong because you behaved in the same way she did.
Just don't socialise together you clearly don't get in and it all sounds like a load of fishwives. Not classy behaviour.

IguanaTail · 22/12/2015 10:05

You weren't teaching her resilience. It was revenge.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2015 10:28

"I will not, and from now on will put her straight whether she likes it or not!"

"I've already said that I have never spoken to a child like that before so please, do not make out that I think this type of "discipline" is ok to use on a regular basis, I slipped once!"

So - to paraphrase my earlier question, Charlotte - how are you going to 'put her straight' from now on, if you don't think this type of "discipline" is 'ok to use on a regular basis'??

I would say something like:

"DN - you are sounding and acting like a nasty bully. Stop it AT ONCE!" - with the death stare SummerNights mentioned. Cut her off every time she even starts to mention your dd's clothes - "NO, dn - that's enough!!"

And tell your SIL straight that, unless she takes her dd in hand, her dd will grow up to be an extremely nasty individual - and that you have no intention of exposing your dd to hers any more, unless she starts parenting her properly - and mean it.

If your dn cannot or will not stop this nasty behaviour, stop spending time with them.

VulcanWoman · 22/12/2015 10:30

OP, do you think you'll be able to stay away from your niece from now on, or will the family meet ups continue. From what you have described her behaviour will only get worse not better unfortunately, she had no remorse when you told her off by the sounds of it. Best wishes.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 10:32

Why does your dd feel incapable of defending her own clothes? Is she as happy with them as you are? By the time a child is ten, their coping mechanisms ought to have become a bit more sophisticated than telling someone to stop being mean and then complaining to an adult when they unsurprisingly don't stop. So what is holding her back?

WoodHeaven · 22/12/2015 10:35

Agree with STDG. The only way forward is to stop her every single time she is making a comment about your dd clothes or on any unkind comments for that matter.

What you did try clearly hasn't worked so far so time for a different approach :)
Btw of course you can also stop seeing them. But what you need to to show your dd that 1- you will protect her and 2- how to react in front of a bully. And yes if that doesn't work then stop seeing them.

WoodHeaven · 22/12/2015 10:36

rpund are you suggesting that the OP's dd aomehow has some issues because she doesn't know how to defend herself????
That child is being bullied. She needs help and support from adults as any child who is being bullied

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 10:41

Yes, the OP's dd definitely needs constructive help and support. She hasn't received it, yet, though.

Moln · 22/12/2015 10:48

What are the fathers, would I'm gathering are brothers, doing about this?

If there are no fathers about anymore then there is no reason to meet up. Especially if they are unpleasant company and the eight year old a bully.

How you responded wasn't the best way OP. Not because you are a bully as accused on this thread, a one off insult to a child's face is not being a bully, the niece is the bully here. You were wrong because in handling a bully you need to remain unquestionable correct in your handling of them. You should not say anything that can be open to criticism or insult.

In my opinion you're not wrong in standing up to her, wrong choice of words definitely (you may have noticed they were open to criticism), but not allowing your niece to go on being rude without intervening anymore. Your nieces's behaviour needs to be shut down every time it starts, her mother doesn't (nor her father?), but by you and your daughter (and your daughter's father?).

I wouldn't continue trying to justify your insult about the niece's clothes as saying the truth either. If it is just saying the truth the your niece can justify her comments about your daughter the same way. Opinions about clothing and how people look are opinions, not the truth or fact.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 10:49

In schools, children are taught how to manage life's ups and downs at the same time as being supported by the adults in school.

What we don't do is step in and take over every time a child is upset. Otherwise they wouldn't learn how to find their own coping strategies. I would be very concerned about a child of nearly secondary age who is still going to her mum when things go wrong and a mum who thinks the way to resolve the problem is to model exactly the kind of behaviour that has so upset her DD.

Bambambini · 22/12/2015 10:53

Sone really unpleasant comments directed at the op - some really hypocritical and sanctimonious posters.

Not the best way to deal with it Op but you snapped after trying again and again to deal with it the more appropriate way - as many of us who are human do. I can't feel that concerened for your niece who is happy to dish out nasty behaviour, though you need to address it with the mother.

I'd rather not spend time with them. If you have to, feel free to pull your niece's bad behaviour up in future in a more adult manner - make a point and make the mother addressed it.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:04

Why are you bloody laying into my dd? She has done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong here! She picks I'd say 90% of her clothes herself as she loves to go shopping and I want to allow her independence so how could she not be happy with what she wears?..... She has already told her cousin on many occasions that she is happy with what she wears and that she needs to leave her alone but she can only take so much without getting upset, she is a CHILD!

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:06

hypocritical and sanctimonious posters

Which ones are those, bambini? The ones who think criticising a child for being mean about someone's clothes by being mean about that child's clothes is not the behaviour of a grown adult?

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:07

Well I am a grown adult and I did behave that way, once! So intact it is the behaviour of a grown adult, this grown adult:)

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2015 11:12

So - how are you going to handle it next time it happens??

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:18

Well I'll think on before commenting on her clothes as she is clearly hard faced and isn't bothered anyway. I'll have to resort back to the softly softly approach so not to offend anyone but I suspect that won't work either as I've tried it before.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 11:19

it is the behaviour of a grown adult, this grown adult

So to again ask a question you won't answer, why did you post on AIBU if you're so convinced you handled the situation in the best way?

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 11:20

I'm not saying that I handle the situation in necessarily the best way, what I said was I snapped once after having my dd upset yet again.

OP posts:
Focusfocus · 22/12/2015 11:26

op what are you hoping to get out of this thread? If people are saying YABU you do not agree with it or like it.

So there is little no point in asking if you are being unreasonable if your mind is already made up that you were being perfectly reasonable, right?

OfaFrenchmind2 · 22/12/2015 11:26

Seriously OP, YANBU at all.
I know this kind of little witches. They are spoilt, unkind, and frankly, unlovable. Except their parents treats them like gold flows out of their mouths. They might get nicer once they get older, but it is no guarantee.
It is sad when you dislike somebody from your family, especially a child, but it happens, and it is no fault of your own.
In this case, reduce contact with her as much as you can, and tell your daughter that she should not have to put up with bullies like that (well, my mum would have taught me how to deck her one, but I don't think this is what you are looking for her...)
And tell her parents why she is getting no contact, or gifts, if they ask.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 11:26

No need to go softly, softly. You just shouldn't go personally offensive.

Are you sure your dd hasn't been subjected to similar comments about her clothes elsewhere? Why would a little squirt of an eight year old's comments be enough to make her cry? Is it about more than her clothes? Or is it because the girl is her cousin that she doesn't feel comfortable about putting her in her place?

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