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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
nooka · 22/12/2015 07:50

So not only were the nasty comments very unpleasant they were also completely pointless.

Op you didn't 'tell the truth' you simply gave your opinion, in exactly the same way as the child you are busy insulting did to your dd.

I get that you were upset, and I can see why you snapped, but all you have achieved is to look really unpleasant to everyone around you. No one will come away from that meal thinking that you behaved well.

I doubt very much that the niece will change her ways because of this incident. Her mother will almost certainly 100% support her dd in feeling that you were very nasty and that what she wears is totally appropriate and what her cousin wears is not. The SIL almost certainly bought the clothes her dd is wearing, in exactly the same way as you most likely buy your dd's clothes.

Avoid meeting up again and never let the children sit next to each other, surely the easiest way to sort out this problem.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 07:51

Oh, stop lying that all you did was tell the truth. You gave your opinion on your niece's clothing, which is precisely what she did to your dd. I am 100% certain that you left absolutely no room for anyone listening to think that you were just giving an innocent list of items your niece was wearing, you were telling her you hated her clothes. You did not, therefore stick to neutral facts, you chose to behave in a nasty, bitchy way of which you should not be feeling remotely proud. You were horrible. It is understandable as a moment of lost temper, but now you have the audacity to try and defend it. How dare you? I've lost all sympathy.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 07:54

And don't even pretend that you didn't want to humiliate her by telling her that her bottom hangs out of her clothes.

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 08:16

Yanbu to pull your DN up on what she was saying. She needed a firm telling off.

Yanbu to use the words you did. Not appropriate, and you lowered yourself to your DNS level.

JohnLuther · 22/12/2015 08:25

You could have handled it slightly better OP but hindsight is a wonderful thing, the DN sounds like she needed to taste her own medicine and I can completely understand why you snapped.

I can't believe that the bullying DN is getting more sympathy than the OP's DD.

Only1scoop · 22/12/2015 08:45

I don't really know why you posted as you sadly think you are in the right.
A nice audible 'niece can you stop saying mean things to daughter about her clothes it's really unkind not true and is upsetting her' Then her mother would have heard.

It's a really odd thread

Only1scoop · 22/12/2015 08:46

I don't believe it's bullying just an inappropriate thing to say to a child.

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 08:48

*That's should have been yabu

WilburIsSomePig · 22/12/2015 09:06

Well I'm not really sure why the OP posted as she doesn't want to hear anyone say anything other than agree with her. Bit pointless in AIBU.Confused

Anyway, of course she should have spoken up for her DD and told her niece her behaviour was unacceptable, unpleasant etc etc. I believe she went about it in a really awful way to an 8 year old child and that she made herself look like a fool. Obviously the niece is displaying learned behaviour and that's the issue that I would be taking up with BIL and SIL if they were to continue getting their DCs together. The OP hardly modelled good behaviour herself and lost the moral high ground in insulting a child about their clothes, which is exactly what she was annoyed about herself.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 09:19

OP, you say your bringing up your DC to be respectful, so would you be happy for them to read what you've posted on here about their cousin? Namely:

Little madam
Hard faced
Little horror of a child
Nasty little witch
Nasty brat of a cousin

Only1scoop · 22/12/2015 09:26

Your 'outburst' to your niece was hardly respectful.

Also shows you've given her choice of wardrobe much thought re your opinions etc.

HamaTime · 22/12/2015 09:35

I don't have huge amounts of sympathy with the DN, and certainly have more for the OPs DD. I just don't think the OP has magically made her DN think 'Perhaps my aunt is right, people do have different tastes in clothes and I should keep my opinions to myself in future'.
I think it's more likely that she thinks that your dds 'age appropriate clothes' are babyish, they are picked out by her mummy (given the OP thinks it's odd that an 8yo should have any opinion on fashion then I suspect that might be the case) and the OPs dd is babyish and cries if a child 2 years younger doesn't like her coat and to top it all off mummy has to step in with a tirade of 'you dress too old, you should dress more like a child like my dd'.
I'm an adult, I know the 8 and 10 year olds are both children but the 8yo is an 8yo, and an unpleasant one at that and the poor 10yo has basically been served up for dinner by her own mother.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:37

How on earth am I "creepy" for stating the obvious and the truth?.....that being that my neice's backside is always hanging out of her jeans or leggings, it's an actual fact and I can barely miss it can I?.....

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:40

Yes, on some level maybe I did want to embarrass her, just like she did my own dd. Her behaviour is absolutely dreadful and just because her mother sits there guzzling wine ignoring her dd's wickedness I will not, and from now on will put her straight whether she likes it or not!

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 09:42

Jesus, OP, you just don't get the hypocrisy, do you?

Tell you what, don't hang out with them any more. You're clearly unable to control yourself when you're around them as it's now clear you dislike the mother as well as your niece.

SummerNights1986 · 22/12/2015 09:43

Yes, on some level maybe I did want to embarrass her, just like she did my own dd

An EIGHT year old op. Just keep repeating this fact until it sinks in.

Do you think its reasonable and appropriate for an adult to try and embarrass an EIGHT year old in response to bad behaviour?

If your answer to that is yes then there's no hope for you and I pity your dc.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:44

I do want to hear people's options actually, otherwise I would not have posted, I appreciate that some of you view my behaviour as uncalled for, that's fine, but to call me a bully that is not fine, as I'm not. No one is perfect and yes, maybe I could have worded things better but my niece is severely damaging my dd's self esteem by constantly putting her down, so I chose to give the little madam a taste of her own medicine.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 09:45

Why do people have sympathy for this child when she was choosing to bully someone?

I'm not saying what OP said was nice but I can't feel sorry for a child that is clearly not very pleasant

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:46

Do you really not think that my dd already thinks those things about her cousin? I wouldn't blame her if she did to be honest as she has treated her like dirt for months now.

OP posts:
IrianofWay · 22/12/2015 09:46

Whilst I understand your position you were BVU to insult her. Made you as bad as her and you are an adult.

What was your niece's response?

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 09:48

I can't feel sorry for a child that is clearly not very pleasant

Aren't you the poster who's training to be a teacher?

Hmm
Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 09:48

Don't pity my Dc there is really no need to. I've already said that I have never spoken to a child like that before so please, do not make out that I think this type of "discipline" is ok to use on a regular basis, I slipped once!

OP posts:
RudeElf · 22/12/2015 09:49

You are coming across as quite childish in your posts OP. You seem to lack an awareness that comes with maturity. You seem very much stuck on "well she started it so there" which i dont even hear from my 10YO anymore as he realises its a childish stroppy wail.

TaliZorah · 22/12/2015 09:52

Suburban yes, and my sympathy is always with the victim rather than the bully.

Obviously sometimes the bully is in need of help but that doesn't mean I feel bad if someone gives them back what they do

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 09:52

she has treated her like dirt for months now.

As the parent, why on earth are you not teaching your DD resilience? She'll be in secondary school soon, if not next year. Do you plan to go down to the school every time a child says something unkind to her and make a holy show of yourself at the school gate?