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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:57

Yes I agree the backside comment was inappropriate. I think op needs to take a break from them.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:59

What if she had given her a bolloking about being rude and needing to change her behaviour. You can say that for any disciplinary action against a child.

Damselindestress · 22/12/2015 00:02

If she had focused on her behaviour it wouldn't have been so personal and therefore intimidating as attacking her appearance. Disciplining a child is an appropriate use of an adult's superior influence over them and bullying is a misuse.

Brioche201 · 22/12/2015 00:03

If you had told her to stop being unkind to your DD that would have been fine, but 'slut-shaming' an 8 yo makes you 10x worse than her or her mother

IguanaTail · 22/12/2015 00:04

I agree Damsel but I still think the OP should have asked the girl's mum to step in initially.

JoelyB · 22/12/2015 00:22

Personally I would have corrected the child kindly, explaining that we don't make personal comments about people, because it's hurtful.

I would have ripped the crap out of her mother though :D

gandalf456 · 22/12/2015 00:27

The girl sounds awful but it is obvious this is coming from her mother. The fact that she has done jack all about it speaks volumes. It is fairly unusual that a child so young should be so interested in fashion . She has been indoctrinated and has clearly overhead something .

Yes, ops response is not exactly textbook but it will actually open that child's eyes to the fact that her mother's opinion on clothes is not gospel. I do find it very difficult to feel sorry for them even if it was not the most adult response and could actually have been a lot worse

sashh · 22/12/2015 05:19

Surely you should have picked DN up on being rude, not her dress sense?

Cinnamon2013 · 22/12/2015 05:32

You basically slut-shamed an 8 year old.

You must be v proud.

RhiWrites · 22/12/2015 06:46

That's just what I thought, Cinnamon.

OP, you went nuclear on this little girl. There are better ways of sticking up for your own kid.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 06:47

Slut shamed?.....hardly! I merely stated the facts, if she didn't like what I had to say then she should have kept her opinion of my dd to herself. My dd is also a child and doesn't deserve to be put down, especially by her own cousin. And for what it's worth my niece did not care what I had to say to her, that speaks volumes about the respect she has for others and my SiL didn't have much to say, which to me just validates what I was saying all along, which is that my niece dresses inappropriately.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 06:49

Yes there are better ways, and if you'd have been bothered to read the entire thread, then you'd have seen that I've already tried to playbnice and deal with this in an appropriate way, nothing worked so i took a different approach, my niece is hardly scarred for life.

OP posts:
DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 22/12/2015 06:49

Disciplining a child is an appropriate use of an adult's superior influence over them and bullying is a misuse

Yes, but the OP didn't discipline the child did she? All she did was insult her clothing, effectively saying she dressed like a tart. There was precisely zero disciplining, just nastiness.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 22/12/2015 06:51

TBH, the only surprise on this thread is that it's still here.

That and the fact that the niece and the OP are so similar it's hard to be.eive they aren't mother and daughter.

BertrandRussell · 22/12/2015 06:51

Why did ou post in the first place, OP?

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 06:55

But it's not my bloody job to discipline her, she is not my child! I didn't slut shame her, I didn't call her a hussy, that would be vile and innapropriate. What I did do was make it clear that I personally didn't like her sense of style/dress similarly like she didn't approve of my dd's, the difference is I didn't call names. So if it makes her think in future and aware that it doesn't feel nice to put others down then it's a result in my eyes!

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 22/12/2015 06:58

So from one post you make the assumption that me and my dn are wired the same, really?..... If you happened to know my dd and could ask her f this was true she would assure you that it's not. I think I'm a nice person, will do anything for anyone and I'm currently bringing up three gorgeous, happy, respectful children, so what if I lost my patience once and spoke the truth, this doesn't mean I'm forever setting bad examples for my children.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/12/2015 07:01

Nothing wrong with pointing out that she needs to look in a mirror before commenting ...

BeaufortBelle · 22/12/2015 07:10

I haven't read it all op but your sil's child upsets yours regularly. I wouldn't have gone and I'd have been making excuses not to meet up with them for a very long time. You and sil are clearly not raising your dc on the same bearings because you have different moorings.

Do your duty and see "family" when you have to. Have fun spending time with like minded friends more often.

DH's SIL has wound me up no end over the years (even DH snorted they're like Daisy and Onslow when the picture came this Christmas) by being lazy in the house and over bringing up the children. Thank goodness she lives on the other side of the world. Last time she came to the UK I didn't even see her because I knew her out of control children would wind me up almost as much as her ignoring their awful behaviour.

Just avoid op - they sound toxic, they wound you up and you behaved in a way that has rendered you open to be criticised. It's probably what they wanted to achieve.

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2015 07:39

I don't think you were unreasonable. You said you've spoken to sil several times about this and also dn - who laughed in your face Hmm
Dn was openly upsetting your dd and sil was once again doing nothing to stop it.
Maybe you could have worded things differently but faced with your dd sitting there close to tears, your dn being absolutely vile and sil pretending it wasn't happening then I would have probably snapped too!!!
If dn can be so utterly unkind in front of adults then I dread to think how she treats other children when they're alone.

Waltermittythesequel · 22/12/2015 07:41

Do you think it's appropriate to comment on an 8 year old's clothing, OP?

Do you think telling an 8 year old that hee arse is hanging out is in any way ok?

What gives you the right to make her aware and conscious of her body in that way at 8 years old?

Personally, I think you're a little creepy for your mind to have even gone there.

You've let your dd down. And you've been extremely inappropriate.

Your niece didn't sound terribly nice and that would have been easily addressed without the slut shaming. Of a child.

Enjolrass · 22/12/2015 07:43

Is still can't believe that some people think an adult insulting a child, because that child was insulting another child is ok.

You didn't call her hussy, but you heavily implied it.

I think there is nothing wrong with an 8 year old showing her midriff and you implied it was.

It was slut shaming.

Chopz · 22/12/2015 07:45

You stopped to her level but it's much worse because you are all adult. Your new method was ineffective anyway.

You really need to lead the way and show DD what to do in such situations. So tell neice she's being unkind/upsetting DD and that you have decided to avoid spending time with niece until she improves. Then stop seeing niece where possible

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 22/12/2015 07:45

This thread is becoming stupid now. OP honestly if just give up. I think there are a lot of bullies posters on here who are determined to bang on at you till you say "I am a dreadful bully who slut shames children". MNHQ really should zap this as it's ridiculous.

OP has admitted she could have handled this a lot better. Her niece didn't care - laughed in her face. OP had tried 'nicer' approaches before and not succeeded so she just snapped. I could go on and explain further but really if people rtft thy wouldn't need me to.

Chopz · 22/12/2015 07:48

It doesn't matter that you've tried nicely before, the best thing would have been to not have met up with niece.

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