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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2015 22:57

All I would have learned from that, if I were a natural born bully, is to pick on the OP's dd behind the OP's back in future, because she's a mummy's girl who can't stick up for herself. Massive own goal. It hasn't taught any useful lessons to anybody.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:03

My goodnes, leave op alone, unless your perfect parents, then don't bang her down. She reacted, no she shoukd not have said the comment about her bum ganging out, but Mabey just Mabey tge girl and her mother gave learned from this.

Damselindestress · 21/12/2015 23:08

That was out of order. What you did to your niece was what she was doing to your daughter but you are an adult and supposed to know better and set an example. She is a little girl who may pick on others out of insecurity, which you have just made much worse. There were ways to stick up for your daughter without insulting your niece. Rather than putting her down personally you should have focused on saying that her behaviour was rude. Your daughter won't learn how to handle conflict constructively from your example. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she starts picking on others, since you've taught her that's how to deal with people you don't like. On the plus side you have solved the problem of your niece's interactions with your daughter, since I would be surprised if your SIL wants her to spend time with you anymore.

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2015 23:08

To be fair, Aeroflotgirl, she asked for people's opinions, not angels' opinions, so people are entitled to respond... Most people have understood why she reacted how she did, it's just that not everyone agrees it was the best way to react to the provocation.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 21/12/2015 23:08

DD bullies were nasty at 8 - maybe if they had been pulled up on it sooner theyd be nicer teens ... sometimes you have to hear what your saying to get the impact.
I doubt DD will be doing it again.
Has SIL contacted you since?

kali110 · 21/12/2015 23:09

SuburbanRhonda Well clearly i am not the only one as they have been deleted.
I think some posters are being hypocrites calling op a bitch,a spiteful witch and saying the dn must have gotten her attitude from the op then calling the op a bully!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:14

dam your focusing on what op has done wrong, instead of the girl constantly being nasty to op dd and mum doing nothing, op trying to say don't say that, it's not nice, but it falling on deaf ears. Don't you think it's the other way round, op and her dd do not want to see mothers that allow their children to constantly insult others!

Unfairestofthemall · 21/12/2015 23:15

I think you need to go over and apologise for your clothing comment but not for telling her off. She should not have gotten away with it for so long and im amazed your SIL had the balls to sit there and allow it to be said. I completely understand you losing your temper and eventually snapping there's only so much people can take. Tbh I would have swapped seats around so they weren't near eachother after that so as to ensure the comments wouldn't carry on. Tell your DD if it happens again to walk away/ ignore her she'll get bored eventually without a reaction.
Hope your DD is okay OP

Chippednailvarnish · 21/12/2015 23:17

Actually I was just pointing out that it was an interesting first post...

kali110 · 21/12/2015 23:18

I don't think op should see them again, not because of what she said, but because sil isn't concerned about op's dd being upset.

MissFitt68 · 21/12/2015 23:19

What did your sil actually say op?

Damselindestress · 21/12/2015 23:32

Aeroflotgirl OP's SIL was in the wrong too but OP has lost the moral high ground by bullying a child and she sounds proud of it too. There are other ways she could have handled the situation without picking on a little girl's appearance.

Damselindestress · 21/12/2015 23:34

No one is exactly covered in glory by this situation.

lucymootoo · 21/12/2015 23:38

YANBU sometimes something inside just snaps. She isn't telling the truth she's just being unkind. You on the other hand were telling her the truth. I can't stand little madams who act 8 going on 18 with a Kardashian attitude!

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 23:38

I'm guessing the OP is long gone, but if she isn't, I would recommend the book "Stick up for yourself", aimed at children her DD's age, which helps children build resilience and learn how to manage tricky situations themselves, without relying on adults always to sort things out for them.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:38

She wasent bullying, she said something inappropriate, bulling is very heavy a word and implies the action to be sustained over a period if time. This was a one off comment in reaction to a child's persistent nastiness towards op dd, if anyone is a bully, it's op niece. I would distance myself if I were op.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 23:41

I can't stand little madams who act 8 going on 18 with a Kardashian attitude!

So when did you first meet the OP's niece, lucy?

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 23:42

I agree it wasn't bullying. It was much worse, bearing in mind the OP is an adult and should know better how to control herself in public.

HamaTime · 21/12/2015 23:44

OP's dd's status as a mummy's girl is now thoroughly cemented, as mummy butted in and fought her battles for her

This. It would have been more effective to do a massively over-patronising head tilt and talk about DN becoming 'a big girl now' and old enough to talk nicely or something about knowing that little girls sometimes dress differently from big girls but DD is nearly in secondary school so naturally is into more grown up things and wouldn't want to wear leggings like she did when she was a toddler. Equally horrible but much more effective.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2015 23:46

N it wasent suburban, she told the child the truth about her appearance, no it was not the right thing in hindsight, but it's done now. Op has not insulted or threatened or used physical force against he'd. No wonder op is not coming back.

Chopz · 21/12/2015 23:47

Your DSis has weak boundaries. You stooped to the nieces level though. You would have been better off telling her that she was being unkind and that you won't be spending time with her as a result of her poor behaviour. Then left.

OP why put your DD time and time again at the mercy of your DSis and niece. Just tell them that dd finds nieces rudeness upsetting and she doesn't want to see niece. Explain that maybe with time niece might improve behaviour wise but in the mean time your priority has to be DD's happiness.

sleeponeday · 21/12/2015 23:48

I would recommend the book "Stick up for yourself", aimed at children her DD's age, which helps children build resilience and learn how to manage tricky situations themselves, without relying on adults always to sort things out for them.

Thanks for the rec. I was actually looking for a good book on that topic. (Sorry all, OT.)

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 23:52

N it wasent suburban, she told the child the truth about her appearance, no it was not the right thing in hindsight, but it's done now. Op has not insulted or threatened or used physical force against he'd. No wonder op is not coming back.

I"m not sure anyone has claimed the OP used physical force or threatened her niece. You are way off the mark if you think her comments about "her backside hanging out" weren't insulting.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 23:53

I use it in school all the time, sleep. It's brilliant

Damselindestress · 21/12/2015 23:56

Aeroflotgirl, Actually a definition of bullying is "to use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something."

OP was trying to influence her niece to be nicer to her DD. As an adult talking to a child she had superior influence in this situation, which she used to insult her niece's appearance in a way that the child may have found intimidating. It doesn't have to be sustained to meet the definition.

The niece was also bullying her DD but OP is an adult and should have behaved better.

I do agree that distance might be the best thing for all involved.

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